Sunday, February 11, 2007

My desire

I was thinking about it just now, so I felt like blogging it. Because that's what this blog is all about - the things that are inside my mind. Good, bad, scary, weird... just the random things I think about - hence "hidden depths where many fear to tread". It's not just a neat saying.

I was thinking about... girls. Or more specifically, my lack thereof. Okay, let's back it up even a bit further so I... well it won't make sense, but at least you might understand better? Who knows.

As I was walking into my room, on the huge stack of books in my closet, I happened to notice the title of one of them. The Memory Book by Harry Lorrayne and Jerry Lucas. One of the very neatest books EVER. It teaches you how to train your memory. That's very very useful, IMHO. Well it triggered in my mind the desire to really put to use the techniques. But you see, I'm sort of a co-dependent. I don't like to do things on my own. Oh, sure, I can, but I don't like to. I want someone (even if it's a friend with no... more-than-friend type interests)that I can go through The Memory Book with and learn and apply the principles. I think that would be the neatest thing.

Even better I'd like someone who is in at least one of my classes, but I'll settle for just someone who's a friend. I want someone I can (and do) talk about school and classes with. I want someone who shares a lot of my same interests, but also likes her own things. Better yet, I want someone who loves to learn. Learn things that I like to do, loves to learn other things. And loves to have me learn the things she loves. I want someone who loves being with me.

I want someone who is active, both body and mind. I want someone who can not only tell me I'm wrong, but tell me in a way that I love to hear it. I want someone who tells me if I'm not treating her the way that I should. I want someone who loves God and will tell me when she sees that my actions are incompatible with that relationship.

I want someone who loves to smile and loves to laugh. Especially one who loves to laugh at some ridiculous things. Usually me laughing for random reasons. I want someone who can share my mirth when something strikes me as funny. Mostly because it's usually for an unrelated reason, and most people wouldn't understand it, and if they did, they wouldn't think it was funny at all.

I want someone who can laugh at herself and can laugh at me, and does on a daily basis. I want someone who can remind me to laugh at myself, to not take me so seriously. Because seriously, I'm not that important. And I need reminders of that.

I want someone who understands that when I tell her how I feel, it's exactly that - how I feel. It doesn't and won't dictate my actions (usually). For instance, I'm a pretty jealous dude. I see girls with other guys and it just makes me go 'grr' inside. And I've told one girl that... and she got all.. I don't know. But I want someone who can reassure me, and at the same time tell me that I'm a goober. Sure I probably know that either I don't own her, or that she won't leave me high and dry... but I'd like some reassurance. It helps.

I want someone who loves music as much as I do. Someone who loves to play music, listen to music, make music, sing music... someone who inspires music and everything else. Someone I can make music with. Someone who, we don't have to have music to dance to, we make our own music.

I want someone that I can talk to about anything or nothing. I want someone who talks to me about anything and nothing. I want someone that we don't have to talk, just being there is comfortable.

I want someone who loves languages and wants to learn new languages. I want someone to make up a language with.

I want someone I can trust. Someone I can trust with my life, with my possessions, but most important, someone I can trust with my love. Right now I don't know of anyone I can trust with that. I've been robbed of my love so many times... I don't know that anyone exists that I can trust with all of this.

So for now, I just live my life, doin' all the things I can...

And hope.

Hope that one day... I'll find her.

Or more likely she'll find me...

Because I just don't know where to look.



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