Hm.

You know, it used to be that whenever I saw someone emotionally... just blah, I'd want to help them out.

I guess I still do.

But something inside me has gone away.

I don't have that desire anymore. It used to be... I knew exactly what was going to happen with my life. I was going to serve a mission, I was going to come home and get married sometime.

And then I met a girl, and we wrote and wrote and wrote each other... and the things she said led me to believe she was as serious as I. And then I came home, and we met in person. And I guess I did not live up to her expectations or whatever.

Because now... she doesn't talk to me, much, any more.

And I think that's why part of me has gone away...

It's been too much... for things that don't last. I suppose the memories do... but there really haven't been that much. Just the letters and the tapes. I've still got those, but I haven't read or listened to any of them.

I look at all of my friends... and except for one (simply because of extenuating circumstance that's completely understandable. You know who you are...) all of the people I know... in order to keep any contact with them, it's got to come from me. I have to make all this effort to call, or e-mail, or write or anything. And pretty soon the contact just... dies. And then I have to go at it all over again.

I mean, maybe the problem is me? I don't know. If it is, I'd sure like to know.

But most people I know... they just don't show they care, if they do care.

one girl I've talked to on the phone a few times, and each time something will come up and "hey can I call you back in 5 minutes?" well sure, that's fine. Except it doesn't happen. I never get a call back. Not 5 minutes, not 5 hours, not 5 days.

Another girl keeps saying "I've gotta call you some time" but never does.

Another friend, she was supposed to write me every week for about three months... but she didn't.

This list could go on... but I won't.

Really, with everyone I know, or talk to, or care about... Nobody really shows that they care. Well... they show how they care. And it's not much. But the sad thing is that the people who do ever show they care at all... they don't have anything to say. It's like

her: hey
Me: hey! How are you?
her: good, you?
Me: peachy keen :)
her: as always, lol.

Me: so... how was your day?
Her: good
Her: yours?
---

You get the drift. Sometimes it ends before it's started.

But the bottom line is that I try so hard to keep friendships up, and try to make new ones... but none of them last. They all just drift away. I guess I'm just not a friendly person anymore, I'm not one that people can care about when they get to know me better? I don't know.

I just don't know any more and I'm tired of all of it.

"The only girl a boy can trust/ is his guitar." - Lucero My Best Girl

-Wayne