Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I remembered!

This is what bugs me...

I will tell a girl, "Hey, I'm a jerk and will probably be not very nice to you at some point." Or something along those lines. And they usually say, "Oh, tee hee! No you're not, ur so nice! <333." Or something to that effect.

Well, that's not the part that really bugs me. I mean, Ok, if you don't think so, whatever...

But then when I /am/, when I actually do something, and then they're surprised or hurt! I mean, I told them! In very plain language.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't (usually) try to be a jerk head. But it's invariably going to happen, either because I'm not sensitive, or something I think is really funny (and probably really is) isn't funny to them... I don't know.

But it bugs me. I'm honest and up front about it, but that's really not too important to them, I suppose...

I think really the worst part though is there's no real, say, immediate forgiveness or anything? I don't know, maybe I'm just that way...

See, when I was with her, I would tell her how I felt. If I felt jealous, I would tell her. If I felt a little annoyed or something, I'd tell her too. I didn't expect anything from her, really. I wasn't trying to tell her that I disapproved of what she was doing. For the most part, intellectually I didn't mind, but something inside of me went "GRAWWWR!!! MINE!!!!". And so I was informing her of that (and I think I even told her that... if not, I thought it really hard :P) but I don't know... I don't think that helped her any. Of course I never really knew how she felt, because she really wouldn't tell me.

I was an outside observer. That was the worst part. I never was a part of her life, she never welcomed me in. Oh sure, she spent oodles of time on me, such as talking on the phone (mainly), but that was where it ended. She didn't let me loan her money. She didn't (really) talk about things that were going on with her, how she felt...

But I let her in my life. I made her a part of it. That was my mistake, I guess. I let her in so deep and so fast, because I trusted her. I believed her when she told me that it was me she wanted, and she would overcome whatever she had to. But that wasn't quite the truth. She got tired of dealing with me and my problems, specifically, how I kept on trying to be a part of her life, I think. Hm... I think that may also be it. She didn't want a friend, and that's what I needed. So I made her my friend. I gambled and I lost it all. She didn't want me to be her friend, she wanted me to be another one of her goaty goats.

To explain, she just wanted me to be there for her. Sitting out there, snarfing my grass, waiting patiently. And then when she felt like she wanted my company, then I would be there for her. But just like you don't want goats inside your house - they tend to make a mess of things - I couldn't be inside her life, probably for the same reason.

Now, I could be completely off the mark, 100% wrong (usually am, but that doesn't stop me from trying, usually), but until I know so... that's really my best guess. That's the only thing I can say, from my point of view, that makes any sense from me.

What I would like to see(maybe), is an account, written by her. Not in rebuttal or response to this. Heck, if she's read this, it's entirely too late. Probably.

I don't know if I could read it with an open mind and heart, although I'd try.

And so because of her, because of that. I don't really try to let anyone into my life anymore. I mean, there are a certain few who I'd like to have in my life. You probably know who you are. Funny enough, that statement will probably have the wrong effect on at least one person. And that comment will make most wonder.

But back to the point... I do, but I also don't want people in my life. My heart tells my head, "You don't even THINK about it! You saw what happened last time! Back the freak OFF!!!"

And so really, I do. I mean, what desire I have to be all cool with someone... is dampened or completely nulled by the rest of me...

So all I become is an observer. Just like she wanted. Isn't that funny?


Anonymous allie said...

"snarfing my grass"

wow, that is a CREEPY phrase.

If it's any consolation, I'm sure the 5th grade girls at Charter think you're a TERRIBLE person.

Ha ha.

4:40 PM  

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