Wednesday, March 28, 2007



I realized I have little desire.

I also realized that I don't know what I want with my life.

I used to know. And have desire. It was all there for me, once. Anymore... I'm just flotsam in the river of life.

I used to really care about people. I wanted the best for them, I wanted to be a part of their life... I wanted to listen to their problems, and be someone people could always go to if they had a problem. I wanted to hang out with people, and just chat & what-not.

But I don't want that anymore. I mean, I'll do it, and if someone is obviously just bleh... I'll listen to 'em and if they want I'll try and help 'em out.

But I've lost that desire. I feel like a shell of my former self. I don't enjoy the things I used to love. I just... do things because they're things to do.

And here's the crazy part. I wish I had someone who wants to just be with me... (and can)... but I don't want to spend the time/effort/whatever to meet new people and develop those relationships. It's kinda weird. Because I don't even desire it. It's just a physical urge. Like eating when I'm hungry, sleeping when I'm tired. Some companionship when I'm lonely.

Man. I think I am seriously screwed up.

So I just do the things I have to do. I go to work. I go to school. I do my schoolwork. Sometimes I do other things that I don't have to do, but I just do them to do them. Like my walk. I was feeling a little trapped... and I haven't walked in a while, so that was nice. But it didn't really satisfy what I'm missing. Bleeeeeh.



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