Hope? Huh.

So... I used to have hope. Maybe I still do somewhere. Probably or I guess I'd go kill myself. Or maybe I've just got something else to live for... eh. About that hope...

So... from as young as I can remember, I've always known that I would get older and then marry the girl of my dreams. She'd be so awesome! We'd go hike in the woods, we'd read books, shoot guns, ride bikes, swim, play video games, program things... She'd be smarter than me in just about every way, except for the ways I'm smarter than her. And she laughed at that sentence.

She would be amazing with words and people - someone that I certainly am not. But she would understand me. She would see through my lies and give me that look that says, "I know you're trying to lie to me, buster. Don't make me beat you!"

We would also spar. And dance. We would just sit together and people watch. And we would discover more about each other as time went on.

And sometimes we'd find out things that were painful. And we might get hurt... But we would always be able to come back to each other.

Why? This is the important part...

Because she loved me and I loved her.

Now you might say - "Why?"

And I would say, "Well, duh! Isn't it obvious?"

You would reply, "No! Quit being a dork and pretending we're having a conversation when you're really just talking to yourself! You're creeping everyone out!"

I would retort, "Shut your mouth, jerk! I'll do what I want!"

And then you'd hit me over the head with a clue-by-four, after which event I would tell you why we loved each other.

Simple. We enjoyed doing similar things. And then we made a simple, but lasting choice. That choice was that we loved each other and we wanted to be better people, together.

And for those of you that are about to voice an objection... No. It is that simple. You can make a choice to love someone. And then you follow the course of action. It doesn't work without both of those parts.

You can't pretend to love someone without the evidence of your love. You can't show the evidence of your love and pretend that you don't love someone. That last part is tricky though, because there are a lot of selfish things that look a lot like love, when they're really not.

*sigh* and there are even selfish looking things that are really love.

but...

I've given up hope for that bright future... at least... I don't think I believe that it will ever happen. I've seen too much evidence of the lack of girls who fit my criteria...

So my options are between 1) settle for something less (how about not! That wouldn't be fair to the girl, because I would probably treat her like I had settled. Or I would treat her better but continually be looking. Neither of those are fair.) 2) wait forever with a tiny bit of hope that one day... just maybe... perhaps I'll find a friend.

Good freaking luck.