explain the best thing part.

Chinmoku's boyfriend - best thing
Risou - Even better
??? - the NEXT best thing... poor Risou...

Comprende?

Hope? Huh.

So... I used to have hope. Maybe I still do somewhere. Probably or I guess I'd go kill myself. Or maybe I've just got something else to live for... eh. About that hope...

So... from as young as I can remember, I've always known that I would get older and then marry the girl of my dreams. She'd be so awesome! We'd go hike in the woods, we'd read books, shoot guns, ride bikes, swim, play video games, program things... She'd be smarter than me in just about every way, except for the ways I'm smarter than her. And she laughed at that sentence.

She would be amazing with words and people - someone that I certainly am not. But she would understand me. She would see through my lies and give me that look that says, "I know you're trying to lie to me, buster. Don't make me beat you!"

We would also spar. And dance. We would just sit together and people watch. And we would discover more about each other as time went on.

And sometimes we'd find out things that were painful. And we might get hurt... But we would always be able to come back to each other.

Why? This is the important part...

Because she loved me and I loved her.

Now you might say - "Why?"

And I would say, "Well, duh! Isn't it obvious?"

You would reply, "No! Quit being a dork and pretending we're having a conversation when you're really just talking to yourself! You're creeping everyone out!"

I would retort, "Shut your mouth, jerk! I'll do what I want!"

And then you'd hit me over the head with a clue-by-four, after which event I would tell you why we loved each other.

Simple. We enjoyed doing similar things. And then we made a simple, but lasting choice. That choice was that we loved each other and we wanted to be better people, together.

And for those of you that are about to voice an objection... No. It is that simple. You can make a choice to love someone. And then you follow the course of action. It doesn't work without both of those parts.

You can't pretend to love someone without the evidence of your love. You can't show the evidence of your love and pretend that you don't love someone. That last part is tricky though, because there are a lot of selfish things that look a lot like love, when they're really not.

*sigh* and there are even selfish looking things that are really love.

but...

I've given up hope for that bright future... at least... I don't think I believe that it will ever happen. I've seen too much evidence of the lack of girls who fit my criteria...

So my options are between 1) settle for something less (how about not! That wouldn't be fair to the girl, because I would probably treat her like I had settled. Or I would treat her better but continually be looking. Neither of those are fair.) 2) wait forever with a tiny bit of hope that one day... just maybe... perhaps I'll find a friend.

Good freaking luck.

More Clarification...

*theatrical sigh* too bad I'm not perfect or I would've got my point across the first time. As it is I get to come back and explain a little something.

How I feel and the things I wrote?

They have nothing to do with who you are and how I feel about you.

You have unlimited potential and I think you're rather amazing. But I also think (read: know) you aren't living up to the smallest bit of your potential.

*sigh* Why do I even bother? I mean... seriously, I'm asking because I have no idea why I continue to hope... ahh... and that's the subject for my next post...

Clarification...

If any of you should ever NEED me - i.e. that jerk that you're with now is abusive and you need somewhere to hide out, You're feeling depressed and more emo than me and want to kill yourself, or anything like that? Yeah, feel free to give me a call/IM/e-mail. I'll be glad to be there for you then... but...

I'm kinda sick of doing oh, so much, and getting nothing in return except for a few hours of company.

Sick of being used, abused, ignored, and all that great stuff.

To you, the one who's pissed off at me and wants to shove me into a locker? Enjoy your life with the guy you love. Or without him, as the case may end out. But I'm done with the games, I really don't have time for them.

Interestingly enough, though, when I saw you at MY school, you were looking as beautiful as ever. It still hurts... well, no need to burden you with how I feel. Don't worry... But please do enjoy your boyfriend or whatever he is. I'd hate to hear that you were unhappy.

To the rest of you? Well, I don't have time for YOUR games, either.

If you want to be a part of my life... the balls in your court now. I'm sick of the games, the pain, the ignoring my needs and desires.

And honestly? Nobody can fulfill those needs and desires. Because I NEED someone at school with me in my classes - but I don't have that. And I won't have that.

Until I get that... I'm pretty much done trying to help YOU. I've got nothing but broken heart after broken heart, trying to be there for you, be there for others... Just trying to be a nice, selfless guy.

Honestly, I think I lost a lotta years doing that.

So... anyway. I hope that helps clarify things.

Take care, and I hope you find happiness wherever you go. The happiness that I've missed...