Eureka!

So... I believe I've figured it out.

What exactly, have I figured out? Well! What the difference/problem/etc/etc has been, is, will be, blah blah blah.

Also I had a peculiar dream where I made out with someone and her kisses tasted like chicken I think. Randomness, and very weird. *mutters things darkly about kissing*

Back on track - what I figured out - I have been searching for both a friend and someone to love/care about. But I wanted to build up the friendly bit first, because hey, who the heck screws over their friends? Well, apparently that's not the type of relationship anyone has been interested in. At least anyone I've been after.

So it's kinda neat to realize that. Mainly because I know the problem, so I know what it is I have to look for. Oh man, I also had a dream that J had a new pic on her xanga/blog... weird. That definitely was a dream, it's almost been a month (again) since she's written anything.

But yeah... during the YSA activity I talked to some girls... but you know, it really doesn't seem like anyone is interested in making friends. And that's really my problem, because I don't have any/that many. I mean really. Some people grow up, and they have friends that they hang out with, and they love their friend and are loved by their friends... Oh sure, they may not say anything to that effect, but the emotions and fulfillment are definitely there.

I've never really been like that. I've never really had any friends that I've hung out with. And I think I know why, but I'm not sure. When I was a young child (read 5 or 6ish?) a girl kissed me. And I fell in love with her. Honestly, I wanted to marry her. As I think back now - sure there was some lack of knowledge, but yeah, I pretty much wanted to marry her. Well she moved away, and long story short, now she's married to some other guy and never wants to talk to me. Ever again. Yeah, that hurts a lot, even still - I mean I really loved this girl. But my problem? I wanted to be her friend first, not the romance in her life.

But like I was saying, I don't really have any/many friends. Why do I say that? There are about three people I would consider my friends, but I rarely talk to them. It's been over a week (or two++) since I've talked to any of them. One... we don't always have much to talk about, which is sad, because she's a really cool person, and really intelligent... but we don't do a whole lot. The other one, we can usually converse (she's more religious than the first - that gives us a few more topics/lines of conversation). Then the last one is a guy, and we haven't really talked for over a month, so it's like whatever, ya know?

Then there are other people who could be considered friends, depending on your definition. But when I define friends, it's someone who helps you be your best. It's someone who inspires you to be better in some (or all) ways. It's someone who's there to listen to you, and there when you're in trouble, but they're also telling you how much they disprove of your actions. Not in an insensitive way (usually), but they do let you know "I love you, but I'm not going to watch you act so stupid. I know you're not stupid, so try acting your intelligence, por favor." More or less.

So there are a few other kids you could call friends, owing to some different circumstances, they're not able to be there. Which is kind of a pity, really.

But I don't have anyone that I could just go over and hang out with, or they'd just randomly pop over and visit. No one. There was one like that, but that dummerkopf had to go get himself killed last October. Jerkface.

So I've got no real friends, no one to hang out with, no one to just call on the phone and chat with... *sigh*

that's what I need but these dumb girls are looking for someone to be romantic with first. They don't understand that romance blossoms from the bed of friendship, not the other way around. I mean sure it might be possible, but I don't like doing things backwards like that...

meh... anyways, now it's time to eat breakfast, and go work on my freakin car.

later.