What Do You Call...

A beautiful human being who has a LOT of potential, but she usually thinks she's not worth much. When she's told how important and beautiful she is, she reacts to these compliments with not gracious acceptance, but sometimes vehement denial, sometimes substituted with "whatever." She is perfectly willing, when she's sad or in any way hurt, to take advantage of the love and compassion shown to her by some male, but unless, and sometimes even when he's really down in the dumps, she will favor the type of male known as "jerkicus maximus", or "abusivus totalaraius". As a matter of fact, she will reject every type of advice, call to action, or plea to get some GOOD specimen, and will instead stay with this type of male. On occasion, she will reject one for the other, or bounce between several different subspecies of these, but she will probably never get a male who treats her right. On occasion she will reject all males in favour of the single life, or even in favor of females, where she will find the exact same treatment she had.

So what do you call this type of person?

Why, the type of girl that I've always loved, of course!

My Introversion and Relationships...

I do believe I've come to a realization about myself... or an understanding. Something of that nature.

Regardless...

The other day as I was reading that article on introverts, not only did I realize I'm somewhat of an introvert, but I also realized something else. I've never been terribly interested in being the center of attention. Ever. As a matter of fact, I'm usually fairly uncomfortable when any attention is thrown my way. Unless of course I'm on the stage. Then I want my due attention and all that good stuff.

But in person I'm often reserved, some might say aloof or standoffish. Which are both also probably true.

When I'm with people that I've gotten to know, I feel fairly comfortable speaking to them and having a good time. But I still prefer to listen and observe. I'm rarely uncomfortable with silence, unless it's with people that I don't know. But I do quite enjoy just being comfortable with someone, listening to them. In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman calls the personalities a "babbling brook" and a "dead sea". I'm the dead sea - calm and really no need to make waves. I prefer to just listen to the babbling brooks babble. It's rather comforting to me. Heck, I even fall asleep listening to people I care about because it's so comforting.

The other part of my realization was more about relationships.

A lot of people seem to have this thought about marriage and what-not, that basically says, "Oh when I'm in a good relationship, it'll make me so happy! I just can't wait!" - as though the very act of being in a relationship determines whether or not they're happy. But if they're not happy, then the relationship must be a bad one. It really has nothing to do with them or their ignorance or intelligence. Or their desires or their actions.

It just seems to me that the whole goal is the relationship or marriage, and if anything only very little to do with their partner. I've never been that way. Marriage has simply been an extension, or a name, really, to describe what the relationship was. I've never cared for the labels to put on relationships for that reason - it seemed that people were so worried about the name, rather than the event... or process, really. Relationships aren't events, but processes. Forever processes, really.

But in my mind, I always could see that I was married to some wonderful girl who loved the outdoors, working with her hands, working with her mind, learning new things, having adventures with me... all of those great things.

I'm reminded, for instance, of my brother and his wife. They are both taking a japanese course (that's what he gave her for her last birthday). They bought a beginners electronic experiment kit, and then she watched him fix the garage door opener.

Throw in some outdoor adventures - going hiking and all that good stuff, and you pretty much have a small picture of the kind of vision I have.

I think the problem in all my relationships have been that I've wanted so much for them to be the awesome person I wanted them to be that I acted as if they were. And they were just the boring people that I really don't enjoy doing things with.

For instance. I love to swim, it's great fun. Too deep for too long and I can't touch and get tired and that's no fun. But standing in the shin-deep water is really not fun at all. If you have someone to play with it's not bad, but it gets old after a while.

I couldn't live with someone like that. I don't want to marry someone that I can predict everything she'll do... that's BORING. I like some stability... but too much gets old fast.

Well I have class, that's not all I could talk about but that's all for now.

Silly Things

The other day I heard of something rather interesting...

A friend of mine who's still in highschool had a boyfriend. Said boyfriend dumps her because he's graduating next year and going to college. Tells girl, "I'll take you back if you graduate early and come to college with me."

Girl now decides she's going to graduate early so she can go to college with him.

Now, before you go to thinking that's terribly sweet of her... Let's stop and think for a minute and decode this transaction. We'll go to the meaning behind the words and actions...

Guy: "Yes, I'm going to withhold love from you. I really don't understand that withholding love is a sign that a) I don't really love you or b) I'm really going to become abusive either in word or deed. Or both."

Girl: "I'm so afraid that no one will love me, after all, I'm terribly worthless and ugly. I'm afraid of being alone, but you say if I jump through hoops for you, I'll be loved by you and I believe that"

Now, you may call me cynical, which may be true, but I prefer (when I'm not married to someone) to expect the worst because I'll only be pleasantly surprised. Sadly this encounter does not surprise me.

Do you think I'm mistaken or just plain wrong? Please leave your comments and suggestions...

hrrrm....

So... I had something to... ahh, that's what I was going to write about!

So I'm currently (still) working on cleaning up my room. I came across an interesting bit of voodoo... okay, just a comment by a friend on a blog post I had made.

It said, "You only mention how so many people aren't your friends and who doesn't care and how no one will ever like you."

To be fair (to her) that's kinda-sorta true. I suppose the problem here lies in communication - more specifically, I often don't try to clarify my meanings.

I will say things like "My friend" and "... people aren't [my] friends and [they don't] care..."

And to me, in the context I use them and the vocabulary and meaning that I use... they're perfectly accurate statements of fact.

I kinda posted a more or less questionnaire about the meaning of love, at least to me, the other day. and that wasn't by any means comprehensive! It can go so much deeper than that.

When I speak of friends, I don't do it in the conventional sense of the word, i.e. "Oh I met this guy today, he's my friend." I tend not to describe people who don't influence me for good as friends. Sometimes I'll slip into the vulgar language and describe them as friend, but they're really not and I don't see them that way.

Now, just because they're not my friends doesn't mean that I can't be their friend. As a matter of fact that's usually a lot closer to the case - I'm friendly towards them and they either look up to me or care... for me? Yes, I think that's right. Not about me. Just for me.

For instance....

"I care about you!" "You know, that guy is no good, he's kinda scum actually" "You can't tell me what to do! I love him!"

The first statement is a lie, perhaps unintentional... but a lie nonetheless. You care FOR me - perhaps about who I am, certainly if I'm your friend... if I died you'd probably show up at my funeral... Hmmm... maybe even caring for me is a little to strong. I think it's more that you care of me.

Sort of like so... "Do you know Johnny?" "Ah... I know OF him... and I've met him, but I really don't know him".

I'd say that's probably a pretty accurate way of describing how people care.

So there are the people who care of me... I'd say that's probably the main bulk of the people I know. My incredibly informed opinions on the male gender mean nothing to you. Other than annoyance. You'll feel free to be annoyed that I'd offer my no doubt jealous opinion. Which isn't entirely true. Most certainly I am jealous - that's mainly because I don't have any friends of my own and I know exactly what will happen - I'll lose all chance of gaining you as a friend. Because dude, I'm not friends with non-single women. They can be "our" friends if I were to be in a relationship... but never MY friend. That leads to problems, trust me on this.

But that opinion - regardless of my motivations - is extremely valid and probably 100% correct. I cannot think of a time when I've evaluated some guy in a negative light and portrayed him in anything less than his actual character. In fact I often end out having portrayed him in a better light than he really is. Now, understand - this does not necessarily preclude your having a relationship with this cad and bounder. But the problem is when you knowingly turn a blind eye to the situation.

I mean, I'm at least in the top 10 people who will say that I'm quite a cad and a bounder. Possibly even despicable, depending on the day. That certainly never stopped me from attempting a relationship with girls - but that's mainly because I perfectly understand the fact that I'm no good, and that makes me a pretty swell guy.

"Double-ewe Tee Eff??!" You might ask in exclaimation, "How does that even make sense?"

Quite simple - most guys are of the thought that they're great swell guys and everything about them is awesome. I am of the thought that there are plenty of things wrong with me, but hey, that just means more adventures through learning and forgiveness. And therein lies the difference.

The problem I suppose is that makes me sorta cocky. Because I know I'm problematic, and I know that through small and simple things, great things can come to pass.

So anyway... back to the caring bit...

Girls care of me, some of them (few) care for me. But not one of them explores me. They really don't care that much to know anything I know or care to educate me on what they know. It's kinda given me a... je ne sais quoi... sort of an "I really don't care" syndrome.

Like... I don't care so much about what's going on, because I've been at this long enough to know that if I care or I don't care it really doesn't effect the outcome. I can tell you you're dumb as a brick for doing XYZ or not. You'll still do it, and I'll be hurt because you ignored me, you'll be hurt because you ignored me and XYZ hurt you... So let's just skip all that. I won't say anything, you can be stupid, and we'll skip all the time in between.

I suppose you could say I've become a cynic, and that's probably true. I also retain a bit of hope, ironically. A hopeful cynic, that doesn't really make sense.

Sense or not, though, true it is. I really wish it weren't... but... well, nine years of girls who don't pay attention to me... and reject my affections towards them... wow... nine years. I hadn't realized it's been that long. That's pretty amazing. Nine years of rejection. That's a pretty long time to be rejected. How long have we known each other, J? 7 years? Less? More? I think it's been less than 9... maybe it's been more now that I think about it.

And you're really the only one I still talk to out of all those girls. My goodness. That's amazingly depressing. Not that I still talk to you, freak... if I didn't I'd be amazingly sad and depressed and probably die because seriously... meh!

One of the other things that's rather depressing is how girls are all, "You're amazing and I wish I could find a guy like you..." they just don't want me. So I really try to not ever say that to anyone. Ever. I know some wonderful people, heck, if you're reading this you're probably one of them.

But if I married any one of you... it wouldn't be good. Why? Because I can't look up to you. Not in a physical sense, but in a knowledge/emotional sense. There was a girl that I could, and we were "practically engaged". And then she dumped me because sure we could "have all these arguments" and "make up", but really "I just don't think it's worth it." (read - You're not worth it. Go die in a hole, jerk.)

So that did wonders for my self esteem. But anyhoo, now I've realized that honestly, I don't think I'll find a girl I can look up to... I mean, some of you know how much I respect you... but others of you? I'm sorry, I can't respect you at all. I look at you with contempt, really. I care about you when I realize that I'm not thinking about you right... But really - I don't have respect for you, because you lost that respect - usually by ignoring my perfectly well founded advice. And I say oh I'll give you a chance, because sometimes I am wrong and gee then I'd just be a jealous dork.

Except I still haven't been wrong. I could almost, ALMOST still have respect for you, if you walked away from the train wreck (or ran)... but when you go BACK... oh dearie dear. I'm really sorry... and if you NEED me... you know where to find me. But why would I want to go after/hang out with a girl who obviously has no problems hanging out with a guy like that? I'd rather your reputation not rub off on me, kthxbye.

But I have no problems, like I said, if you need me. Just like the Saviour didn't turn away the hookers, I won't turn you away if you need a shoulder to cry on.

So... that's kinda where I stand. Feel free to ask for clarification in the usual way (that means comment!)

Oh and also, I know one of you who actually reads this. You know what a GBFS is and who Olive is.

If you do not know that you know these things, please leave a comment so that I know you read. If not I'll just have to start e-mailing her instead of leaving a blog. kthxbye!

Girl Power!

Or something.

Well, now it's the girls turn. Of course the rest of this will have to wait until I get back from Ratatouille. Or rather, I'll be going to see that somewhere in the middle here.

So, I'll begin by presenting the very dumb dumb things that girls do. And then we'll go from there.

The first dumb thing is fishing for compliments. An example:

Girl: I'm sooo ugly/fat/dumb
Boy(sincere): Awww, no you're not, you're beautiful/skinny/smart
G: You're just saying that!
B: No I'm not! You really are!
G: No, I'm just a fat cow nobody loves!
B: You're not fat! (She really isn't)

It goes on longer until the girl has extracted all the compliments she wants or the guy gets sick and tells her she is.

In the end? Either one or both are upset, and it wasn't great at all.

What is the solution? First off - trust us! We do know what we're talking about. And guess what that says to us when you say, "You're just saying that!"

That says, "You're totally lying to me, I can't trust you to tell the truth about what I look like." And girls... that's a bad way to go with a relationship. Most guys should be aware of their girls feelings (unless you hide them. Don't do that.) and we should be complimenting you all over the place. A lot of times we screw up and don't do what we should, and it doesn't hurt to say, "Honey, I'm feeling a little blue right now. Could you tell me about the good you see in me?"

If you try that and the guy is still slacking... well, get another guy. But if you're that direct, most every guy I know will be able to roll out a string of compliments as long as your arm. And they'll feel good and you'll feel good (if you TRUST them!). And you know what the best part of doing that is? If you have a caring guy, he'll begin to learn what signs you show when you need some lovin'.

Here's another fun thing that makes me grind my teeth to my gums.

Girls who say, "I can't!"

I don't think I've ever talked to a girl who told me that in the proper context.

Proper Context:

"Flap your arms and fly to the moon!" - "But I can't!"

"Hold your breath for ten hours!" - "But I can't without dying!"

"Grow a hundred feet tall!" - "I can't! That's not physically possible!"

Get the picture? And now some improper context:

"When a guy is a jerk like that? Yeah, tell him NO!" - "I can't do that! That's mean!"

"Honey, we need to talk..." - "I'm kinda busy right now talking to some friends" - "It's really important. Just ask them to IM you back in 5 minutes." - "I can't do that!"

"Look, all I want is five minutes out of your week! All you have to do is tell your family you'll be back in five and just send me an e-mail, 'I'm thinking of you, this week is crazy busy! I'm well and I'll ttyl!' that's all I need!" - "I can't tell my family that!"
---

Yeah... those were some actual quotes. Possibly slightly adapted... but oh, so very actual. Pretty awesome, huh?

But by awesome, I mean "Dumb as driveway gravel."

Look, if a woman can swim the English-freaking-channel, you most certainly can tell a guy he's a freaking jerk because he only wants to make out with you and doesn't want to do anything that's important to you (i.e. go to church, read whatever scriptures are common to your religion, go on walks, sing, really anything that's important to you). Yeah, if the guy isn't willing to give more than he takes? Time to get rid of him. Don't be stupid, dear.

Here's one thing that pisses me off more than just about any stupid thing girls can do. I mean... I honestly can't stand to be in the company of girls like this because it offends every single one of my sensibilities.

Okay, that guy? He cheated on someone else? That's pretty bad. That guy cheated on you? Yeah, you pretty much shouldn't ever talk to him again. I'm all for repentance and forgiveness, but you don't have to be stupid! It's one thing if he expresses a desire to stay with you and he changes his behaviour. That's right, change. Because I tell you something, if he acts like he did before? If he isn't cheating already, he soon will be. Dump him like a hot tamale and find some guy who actually cares about you.

Seriously, I cannot tell you the phenomenal amount of stupidity that's involved in that kind of action. I mean... they don't want to change? At all? Even worse, they said they'd change and they haven't at all? My goodness woman! You need to get a refund on those brains because they're obviously defective!

Well, I don't know, maybe you're fulfilled when you're treated like an object. When you're not even second - you're last. All of you are last in his life. He's first and foremost. It really makes me sick. On both ends. I hate that guys like that exist, but I hate even more that you girls fall for them. Ugh!

Now... Here's the last thing I have... there may be many more ways that you may be stupid, the only way to not be too stupid is watch and be careful, lest ye become dumb as driveway gravel.

But the last thing... if you don't like something, or you wish we would do something different or better? Let us know! We aren't mind readers. But of course, don't expect us to go ahead and do it. A lot of times we will... or we'll make an effort. If it's something really serious... then yeah, you should hold us to it. Oh, and if you are gonna tell us something - please please please don't do it in front of anyone else.

A simple - "I don't feel like you treat me romantic enough" will suffice. We might change, or we might have a good reason that we do it how we do. And darling, there are some things that it really doesn't matter how it's done. If we fold our undies, or don't, the world won't end. Now, if we're interfering with your undawears, that's something different. But seriously... there are a lot of things that we've done this way forever. Just because your dad/mom/brother/uncle/twelfth cousin once removed/sister did it differently... doesn't mean we should do it that way.

I'm tired and I've probably rambled. Just don't be stupid. Is that really too much to ask? Is it?

I Palindrome I

This is post 383. So I figured the title was fitting, and in my limited try I didn't come up with anything terribly witty involving palindromes and girls.

Oh well.

Now that that's out of the way...

Time for some fun!

Okay... it was time for some fun, I was doing a whole tonne of things that had nothing to do with the blog I intended. Oops. Oh well.

I'll write when I get home. What a punk :P

Eureka!

So... I believe I've figured it out.

What exactly, have I figured out? Well! What the difference/problem/etc/etc has been, is, will be, blah blah blah.

Also I had a peculiar dream where I made out with someone and her kisses tasted like chicken I think. Randomness, and very weird. *mutters things darkly about kissing*

Back on track - what I figured out - I have been searching for both a friend and someone to love/care about. But I wanted to build up the friendly bit first, because hey, who the heck screws over their friends? Well, apparently that's not the type of relationship anyone has been interested in. At least anyone I've been after.

So it's kinda neat to realize that. Mainly because I know the problem, so I know what it is I have to look for. Oh man, I also had a dream that J had a new pic on her xanga/blog... weird. That definitely was a dream, it's almost been a month (again) since she's written anything.

But yeah... during the YSA activity I talked to some girls... but you know, it really doesn't seem like anyone is interested in making friends. And that's really my problem, because I don't have any/that many. I mean really. Some people grow up, and they have friends that they hang out with, and they love their friend and are loved by their friends... Oh sure, they may not say anything to that effect, but the emotions and fulfillment are definitely there.

I've never really been like that. I've never really had any friends that I've hung out with. And I think I know why, but I'm not sure. When I was a young child (read 5 or 6ish?) a girl kissed me. And I fell in love with her. Honestly, I wanted to marry her. As I think back now - sure there was some lack of knowledge, but yeah, I pretty much wanted to marry her. Well she moved away, and long story short, now she's married to some other guy and never wants to talk to me. Ever again. Yeah, that hurts a lot, even still - I mean I really loved this girl. But my problem? I wanted to be her friend first, not the romance in her life.

But like I was saying, I don't really have any/many friends. Why do I say that? There are about three people I would consider my friends, but I rarely talk to them. It's been over a week (or two++) since I've talked to any of them. One... we don't always have much to talk about, which is sad, because she's a really cool person, and really intelligent... but we don't do a whole lot. The other one, we can usually converse (she's more religious than the first - that gives us a few more topics/lines of conversation). Then the last one is a guy, and we haven't really talked for over a month, so it's like whatever, ya know?

Then there are other people who could be considered friends, depending on your definition. But when I define friends, it's someone who helps you be your best. It's someone who inspires you to be better in some (or all) ways. It's someone who's there to listen to you, and there when you're in trouble, but they're also telling you how much they disprove of your actions. Not in an insensitive way (usually), but they do let you know "I love you, but I'm not going to watch you act so stupid. I know you're not stupid, so try acting your intelligence, por favor." More or less.

So there are a few other kids you could call friends, owing to some different circumstances, they're not able to be there. Which is kind of a pity, really.

But I don't have anyone that I could just go over and hang out with, or they'd just randomly pop over and visit. No one. There was one like that, but that dummerkopf had to go get himself killed last October. Jerkface.

So I've got no real friends, no one to hang out with, no one to just call on the phone and chat with... *sigh*

that's what I need but these dumb girls are looking for someone to be romantic with first. They don't understand that romance blossoms from the bed of friendship, not the other way around. I mean sure it might be possible, but I don't like doing things backwards like that...

meh... anyways, now it's time to eat breakfast, and go work on my freakin car.

later.

Dinglehopper!

So I went with the 'rents and timmeh to the APCS performance of "And then there were none", an Agatha Christie play. It was rather good.

I was combing my hair (really scratching my head) with my plastic fork because it felt sooo goood...

and one of the kids I subbed for asked why I was doing that...

well because that's what you do with a dinglehopper!

On another note, (or the same one? hmmm) someone asked me the other day, "Well what IS the perfect girl?" or something to that effect...

and before I get on with it, just letting you know - I'm having a smallish garage sale tomorrow morning. Eeeh ho lay (or however it's spelled...).

So, back to the story... or what makes a girl wonderful... or what I need/want in a girl.

Well, these are in no particular order, other than the order I think about them - not necessarily any more or less important than any other reasons.

A belief in God is rather important to me. Also, she needs to have a beautiful smile. She needs to know that she is beautiful. She may not think she is, but she has to know that I know she is, and more importantly, not complain to me that "Oh, I'm so ."

I want someone that if she wants something, she'll ask, instead of playing games.
I want someone who loves life, loves outdoors, and loves guns and knives.

I want a girl who knows what it's like to fall asleep at the computer. I want a girl that's healthy. I want a girl who loves music and (by way of explanation, I fell asleep, woke up, had a garage sale, and now it's 9PM again...) can at least play one instrument, and wants to learn more.

I want a girl who has the singularly unique quality (in women) to be able to treat something as though it never happened. To illustrate... if someone wrongs me, say... a girl betrays my trust, but then she apologizes and changes her behaviour... it never happened. And I'm fully capable of treating her that way... and I'd like the same.

I want a girl who will NOT bring up any past argument, mistake, blah blah blah. If there's a problem, it has to be dealt with in the present. Once there is another problem, the first one is null and void - sort of like double jeopardy (see the US constitution)...

well that's a few things to chew on for now.

I made $30 at my garage sale. w00t.

Random thoughts.

There's no one specifically.

The way that was phrased sounded really creepy.

and I don't have any interest in anyone that I know. For now. Check back in a few years or something, and maybe that will change...

But way more cool than that is this program called Open Canvas 1.1. It pretty much rocks my socks off. I'll soon have to draw something with it and then post it so you can see, because, hey, it's cool! lol.

Well, I have to go do some work on the student center webpage now.

-later