An Ode To My Geekheart

Beautiful brown hair,
sometimes wavy, sometimes straight,
frames the most beautiful face in existence.

Big brown eyes,
deep pools of emotion,
shining with joy,
dark with anger,
burning with passion,
full with love.

Freckles, hair, and scars,
the skin made perfect, not as some "unspoiled" alabaster,
but perfect because of its reality.
Every callous like fine sandpaper,
every scar, from whatever reason,
each testify of her life, her strength,
her love for her children,
how she labors for others,
and gives of herself.

Her scent fills my nostrils,
clean from the shower,
thick vanilla of her perfume,
clean cucumber scent of another,
each one special, heady,
fills all of me with thoughts of her,
embrace,
love,
sadness,
joy.

As I watch her serve others, her children, her friends,
those she encounters, my heart fills with love.

When I'm not around her, my soul feels half empty,
like my best part is gone.
But when I'm around her, my heart fills with love,
there is joy in my soul, and a smile on my face.
The world is peaceful, there is heaven on earth.
---

For my Geekheart,
Happy Birthday!

Programming, Chrome, and Calls

Well, in 4 minutes I get to call my Geekheart. So in that time let's see how quickly I can post.

For those of you who live under a rock, Google released their Chrome browser quite some time ago. It's a pretty sweet browser, with a very minimal design (I like minimal). The most amusing thing I've found with the browser so far is the way that many of Google's shortcuts don't actually work with the browser, including say, Blogger's ctrl-p shortcut to publish.

It's a little odd that way.

One of the things I really love about it, though, is the ability to resize text input boxes. Like the one I'm typing in I can resize HUGE, or resize teeny tiny.

Well, I was going to mention a bit about programming, but that will have to wait for another day.

This that and the other...

So... right now I think I'm bored out of my skull. I'm tired, and there's no one to talk to and nothing really to do. At least in 3 hours I get to go home and read or something. I suppose I'll probably draw some or something...

I suppose I can tell you how awesome last weekend was, because my geekheart came on a surprise visit! Friday afternoon I'm just sitting there, minding my own business, learning about the structure of man, and how to draw it, when I look up and there my mom has one of our geeklings in her arms, and my geekheart walks through the door.

I sat there like a deer caught in the headlights. My brain disengaged and I sat there for a moment with a bit of "Durrrrrrrrrr?" going through my head. And then I woke up and gave them all a great big hug.

We pretty much had a blast, except for the whole leaving part. That always sucks :(

But other than ending, it was a great weekend!

Quick Blog

Well, I'm just posting this quick little blog. I watched this neato cheeto thing on TV about the science of laughter. It was really neat. And funny. I just finished watching the Colbert Report, it was rather amusing... I laughed at it, too :D

I'm super excited for tomorrow, because my geekheart will be coming to visit! Freakin' Sweet!

Also NAPA auto parts has the bushing for my car... so I'll creep my way down the boulevard and back, to pick it up. I'll also swing by Fuller & Son to see if they have any T nuts and some screwy type things so I can fix my girls' table.

Maybe I'll even post some pics.

I also made an instructable. Check it out!

For You

You know who you are, and this post is for you!

I am the king of dorks!

Buahahahahahahahah!

How to Catch a Srilyk

Srilyks are interesting creatures. In order to catch one, there are a few things one needs to do.

The first is you need to be interesting. Many ways of doing that, but you need to find out your own ways. Technology, music, outdoors, a love of learning. Those are some broad topics to get you started.

So then you come to the next part - it's called commitment.

A Srilyk will reciprocate when it comes to commitment levels. If you decide you want to spend an hour a week on Srilyk, he will most likely (if you interest him) spend an hour on you.

The more effort you put into your Srilyk, the more effort he will put into you. And remember, a Srilyk is a sensitive creature, and when shunned, will quickly retreat. If a Srilyk has felt mistreated in times past, he will be super sensitive to offense, having developed a sort of barrier.

The best thing to do, if your Srilyk is one of those, is to be patient with him. A Srilyk can be well worth any effort!

A Short Story.

"Chinmoku-Chan", he said softly, "I... I'm not quite sure what it is that I'm trying to say." At a loss for words, Risou could only look at her.

It was a chilly fall afternoon, and the sun was low in the sky, the naked trees casting long shadows across the park where they met. Chinmoku was standing a few steps away from Risou, arms across her chest. Her eyes were brimmed with tears, and she said nothing, hugging herself against the cold.

Beautiful. For some reason the thought struck him as Risou looked at her in the light of the setting sun. A wry smile twisted his lips, Not that she looks any less beautiful at any time. Baka! Your head keeps running away like that, she probably thinks you're laughing at her or something! He thought to himself.

Softening his expression, Risou again spoke quietly. "Of course I care about you! Would I continue these efforts if I didn't? If I didn't care, I would walk away right now... but I can't ever walk away." Risou began blinking back the tears. "Baka! I can't ever talk about these things!"

Chinmoku tried her hardest not to smile. It was so hard because he was so darn cute when he got flustered.

Rubbing his eyes, Risou sighed and began again. "If you could only see how I felt about you, Moku-Chan!" Shaking his head, "But I just don't have the words. I don't think you're stupid... although you do some things I think are... not very bright." Chinmoku raised her eyebrows and put her hands on her hips. "Ahh... I do too... do dumb things that is." Sighing again and dropping his head, Risou said, "Look... you have a boyfriend already... I don't want to get in the way. Besides... I don't think I want a girl who would drop her boyfriend for the next best thing to come along... after all - what happens when the best thing comes along after me?"

Chinmoku looked thoughtfully at Risou, who looked questioningly back at her.

THE END!

I hope you enjoyed it...

Clarification...

If any of you should ever NEED me - i.e. that jerk that you're with now is abusive and you need somewhere to hide out, You're feeling depressed and more emo than me and want to kill yourself, or anything like that? Yeah, feel free to give me a call/IM/e-mail. I'll be glad to be there for you then... but...

I'm kinda sick of doing oh, so much, and getting nothing in return except for a few hours of company.

Sick of being used, abused, ignored, and all that great stuff.

To you, the one who's pissed off at me and wants to shove me into a locker? Enjoy your life with the guy you love. Or without him, as the case may end out. But I'm done with the games, I really don't have time for them.

Interestingly enough, though, when I saw you at MY school, you were looking as beautiful as ever. It still hurts... well, no need to burden you with how I feel. Don't worry... But please do enjoy your boyfriend or whatever he is. I'd hate to hear that you were unhappy.

To the rest of you? Well, I don't have time for YOUR games, either.

If you want to be a part of my life... the balls in your court now. I'm sick of the games, the pain, the ignoring my needs and desires.

And honestly? Nobody can fulfill those needs and desires. Because I NEED someone at school with me in my classes - but I don't have that. And I won't have that.

Until I get that... I'm pretty much done trying to help YOU. I've got nothing but broken heart after broken heart, trying to be there for you, be there for others... Just trying to be a nice, selfless guy.

Honestly, I think I lost a lotta years doing that.

So... anyway. I hope that helps clarify things.

Take care, and I hope you find happiness wherever you go. The happiness that I've missed...

To Whom It May Concern:

If you don't recognize what I'm talking about, then this is probably not about you. If you have to ask it probably isn't. But if you'd like to ask I will be sure to allay your fears by confirming that it's really not about you at all.

I'm not anti-You or bitter towards or about you. I'm sad, hurt, and you could probably say bitter, about the fact that you are settling for something that isn't even that good for you. And that's because of the MANY people I know who have just taken the easy way, and it's turned out horrible for them. If someone looked at the predictions I've made they might think I was prophetic... but honestly... well, I can explain it like this:

You look up and see a piano with rope wrapped around it, ten feet above your head. A similar looking rope is tied to the wall right next to you. What happens when you untie the rope?

The majority of people would be under the impression that this piano will fall on their head. Probably killing you.

Let's liken this to relationships, shall we?

The forces governing the relationship of that piano and you would be gravity, weight, acceleration, and friction. There's enough friction in the knot or hitch to keep the piano from falling on your head. When you remove that friction, the gravity acts on the mass(weight) of the piano, increasing its acceleration until it's stopped by your head.

For relationships you have the desire to reproduce, the desire to possess, commit, and be wanted/needed.

So if you get in a relationship with someone, you probably want to be committed to each other and wanted/needed. Some guys are like pianos above your head. Only some small knot, probably a slippery hitch really, is keeping them from dropping out of your life and crushing you. Or doing something that's just really not cool.

It's not a matter of "oh, we can beat the odds" when it's only one person who really even cares.

That's the problem. In my relationships, I've been the only one who cares, and they've left me for someone who didn't (usually).

You are your own person and need to make your own decisions. You can take what I've said and think about it and decide if I make sense. If I don't it's your responsibility to disregard my opinion on the matter. If I do, however, make sense, then you need to decide if you want to do what makes sense or do whatever you want to do.

And then you need to take responsibility for your actions.

If you want to make a decision, then make it. But make it because it's something that you want, not because it's something someone else wants. To borrow a line from Dumbledore... sometimes it's not between right and wrong, but between what is right, and what is easy. Heck, sometimes even the right way is the easy way.

I don't profess to know everything, if I did, I'd figure out who I'm supposed to marry and get in a relationship or something with her already. Then when I see people I care about doing stupid things, I can just shake my head and say, "That's too bad." Because I won't have anything to lose.

Meh... I'm 100% sure I'm making very little sense, but I'm tired and want a nap. Math class drained the heck out of me. I'm not sure what those theorems have to do with finding zeros or why it's ever going to be important... I really do wish I could figure that one out. Maybe it's just the logical process? I'm really not sure.

I just know I'm about to pass out. Too bad we have a meeting later. :P

To everyone reading this, I'm fairly certain I care about you. If I know you then I know I do.

To the one that this concerns, I certainly care for you and I don't want to see you like the many girls I know - hurt and friendless. Except for me who has too big of a heart. But what's gonna happen when my heart belongs to someone...?

My Introversion and Relationships...

I do believe I've come to a realization about myself... or an understanding. Something of that nature.

Regardless...

The other day as I was reading that article on introverts, not only did I realize I'm somewhat of an introvert, but I also realized something else. I've never been terribly interested in being the center of attention. Ever. As a matter of fact, I'm usually fairly uncomfortable when any attention is thrown my way. Unless of course I'm on the stage. Then I want my due attention and all that good stuff.

But in person I'm often reserved, some might say aloof or standoffish. Which are both also probably true.

When I'm with people that I've gotten to know, I feel fairly comfortable speaking to them and having a good time. But I still prefer to listen and observe. I'm rarely uncomfortable with silence, unless it's with people that I don't know. But I do quite enjoy just being comfortable with someone, listening to them. In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman calls the personalities a "babbling brook" and a "dead sea". I'm the dead sea - calm and really no need to make waves. I prefer to just listen to the babbling brooks babble. It's rather comforting to me. Heck, I even fall asleep listening to people I care about because it's so comforting.

The other part of my realization was more about relationships.

A lot of people seem to have this thought about marriage and what-not, that basically says, "Oh when I'm in a good relationship, it'll make me so happy! I just can't wait!" - as though the very act of being in a relationship determines whether or not they're happy. But if they're not happy, then the relationship must be a bad one. It really has nothing to do with them or their ignorance or intelligence. Or their desires or their actions.

It just seems to me that the whole goal is the relationship or marriage, and if anything only very little to do with their partner. I've never been that way. Marriage has simply been an extension, or a name, really, to describe what the relationship was. I've never cared for the labels to put on relationships for that reason - it seemed that people were so worried about the name, rather than the event... or process, really. Relationships aren't events, but processes. Forever processes, really.

But in my mind, I always could see that I was married to some wonderful girl who loved the outdoors, working with her hands, working with her mind, learning new things, having adventures with me... all of those great things.

I'm reminded, for instance, of my brother and his wife. They are both taking a japanese course (that's what he gave her for her last birthday). They bought a beginners electronic experiment kit, and then she watched him fix the garage door opener.

Throw in some outdoor adventures - going hiking and all that good stuff, and you pretty much have a small picture of the kind of vision I have.

I think the problem in all my relationships have been that I've wanted so much for them to be the awesome person I wanted them to be that I acted as if they were. And they were just the boring people that I really don't enjoy doing things with.

For instance. I love to swim, it's great fun. Too deep for too long and I can't touch and get tired and that's no fun. But standing in the shin-deep water is really not fun at all. If you have someone to play with it's not bad, but it gets old after a while.

I couldn't live with someone like that. I don't want to marry someone that I can predict everything she'll do... that's BORING. I like some stability... but too much gets old fast.

Well I have class, that's not all I could talk about but that's all for now.

Tired...

Oh so tired... I had a great post in mind about something or another... and I seem to have forgotten what it was :P

I know I had my post about love/relationships... that's coming soon...

Oh well, I've gotta get crackin for school.

Later!

Jealousy...

There's some song about that, isn't there? I probably have it, I'm sure.

Mostly because I love music. And I also love some womens... but I get jealous, it's kinda sad I guess? I don't know. Maybe I can blame it on biologics.

Regardless...

How it works - I meet a girl and begin to develop affection for her... and then I'm jealous of pretty much everyone else. I mean I don't do anything with it, usually. Though sometimes I feel pretty hurt...

But I want to be her ONLY object of affection. I realize this is both silly and stupid, because that would just be 1) horrible and 2) I don't want her to be my only object, usually. And in most cases she isn't...

Know what's really silly? I even get jealous of dreams. For instance, a friend of mine had a dream about being in an elevator with some guy who kissed her. Aaaand I got jealous. Is that sad a pathetic or what?

Or do you get jealous, too?

p.s. Being jealous does not mean I don't want to hear about that kinda stuff - I would much rather know and have to put down the feelings of jealousy, when it's easier because I know you're sharing something with me, than wait until I find out through the grapevine and then I can't trust you. So yeah.

hrrrm....

So... I had something to... ahh, that's what I was going to write about!

So I'm currently (still) working on cleaning up my room. I came across an interesting bit of voodoo... okay, just a comment by a friend on a blog post I had made.

It said, "You only mention how so many people aren't your friends and who doesn't care and how no one will ever like you."

To be fair (to her) that's kinda-sorta true. I suppose the problem here lies in communication - more specifically, I often don't try to clarify my meanings.

I will say things like "My friend" and "... people aren't [my] friends and [they don't] care..."

And to me, in the context I use them and the vocabulary and meaning that I use... they're perfectly accurate statements of fact.

I kinda posted a more or less questionnaire about the meaning of love, at least to me, the other day. and that wasn't by any means comprehensive! It can go so much deeper than that.

When I speak of friends, I don't do it in the conventional sense of the word, i.e. "Oh I met this guy today, he's my friend." I tend not to describe people who don't influence me for good as friends. Sometimes I'll slip into the vulgar language and describe them as friend, but they're really not and I don't see them that way.

Now, just because they're not my friends doesn't mean that I can't be their friend. As a matter of fact that's usually a lot closer to the case - I'm friendly towards them and they either look up to me or care... for me? Yes, I think that's right. Not about me. Just for me.

For instance....

"I care about you!" "You know, that guy is no good, he's kinda scum actually" "You can't tell me what to do! I love him!"

The first statement is a lie, perhaps unintentional... but a lie nonetheless. You care FOR me - perhaps about who I am, certainly if I'm your friend... if I died you'd probably show up at my funeral... Hmmm... maybe even caring for me is a little to strong. I think it's more that you care of me.

Sort of like so... "Do you know Johnny?" "Ah... I know OF him... and I've met him, but I really don't know him".

I'd say that's probably a pretty accurate way of describing how people care.

So there are the people who care of me... I'd say that's probably the main bulk of the people I know. My incredibly informed opinions on the male gender mean nothing to you. Other than annoyance. You'll feel free to be annoyed that I'd offer my no doubt jealous opinion. Which isn't entirely true. Most certainly I am jealous - that's mainly because I don't have any friends of my own and I know exactly what will happen - I'll lose all chance of gaining you as a friend. Because dude, I'm not friends with non-single women. They can be "our" friends if I were to be in a relationship... but never MY friend. That leads to problems, trust me on this.

But that opinion - regardless of my motivations - is extremely valid and probably 100% correct. I cannot think of a time when I've evaluated some guy in a negative light and portrayed him in anything less than his actual character. In fact I often end out having portrayed him in a better light than he really is. Now, understand - this does not necessarily preclude your having a relationship with this cad and bounder. But the problem is when you knowingly turn a blind eye to the situation.

I mean, I'm at least in the top 10 people who will say that I'm quite a cad and a bounder. Possibly even despicable, depending on the day. That certainly never stopped me from attempting a relationship with girls - but that's mainly because I perfectly understand the fact that I'm no good, and that makes me a pretty swell guy.

"Double-ewe Tee Eff??!" You might ask in exclaimation, "How does that even make sense?"

Quite simple - most guys are of the thought that they're great swell guys and everything about them is awesome. I am of the thought that there are plenty of things wrong with me, but hey, that just means more adventures through learning and forgiveness. And therein lies the difference.

The problem I suppose is that makes me sorta cocky. Because I know I'm problematic, and I know that through small and simple things, great things can come to pass.

So anyway... back to the caring bit...

Girls care of me, some of them (few) care for me. But not one of them explores me. They really don't care that much to know anything I know or care to educate me on what they know. It's kinda given me a... je ne sais quoi... sort of an "I really don't care" syndrome.

Like... I don't care so much about what's going on, because I've been at this long enough to know that if I care or I don't care it really doesn't effect the outcome. I can tell you you're dumb as a brick for doing XYZ or not. You'll still do it, and I'll be hurt because you ignored me, you'll be hurt because you ignored me and XYZ hurt you... So let's just skip all that. I won't say anything, you can be stupid, and we'll skip all the time in between.

I suppose you could say I've become a cynic, and that's probably true. I also retain a bit of hope, ironically. A hopeful cynic, that doesn't really make sense.

Sense or not, though, true it is. I really wish it weren't... but... well, nine years of girls who don't pay attention to me... and reject my affections towards them... wow... nine years. I hadn't realized it's been that long. That's pretty amazing. Nine years of rejection. That's a pretty long time to be rejected. How long have we known each other, J? 7 years? Less? More? I think it's been less than 9... maybe it's been more now that I think about it.

And you're really the only one I still talk to out of all those girls. My goodness. That's amazingly depressing. Not that I still talk to you, freak... if I didn't I'd be amazingly sad and depressed and probably die because seriously... meh!

One of the other things that's rather depressing is how girls are all, "You're amazing and I wish I could find a guy like you..." they just don't want me. So I really try to not ever say that to anyone. Ever. I know some wonderful people, heck, if you're reading this you're probably one of them.

But if I married any one of you... it wouldn't be good. Why? Because I can't look up to you. Not in a physical sense, but in a knowledge/emotional sense. There was a girl that I could, and we were "practically engaged". And then she dumped me because sure we could "have all these arguments" and "make up", but really "I just don't think it's worth it." (read - You're not worth it. Go die in a hole, jerk.)

So that did wonders for my self esteem. But anyhoo, now I've realized that honestly, I don't think I'll find a girl I can look up to... I mean, some of you know how much I respect you... but others of you? I'm sorry, I can't respect you at all. I look at you with contempt, really. I care about you when I realize that I'm not thinking about you right... But really - I don't have respect for you, because you lost that respect - usually by ignoring my perfectly well founded advice. And I say oh I'll give you a chance, because sometimes I am wrong and gee then I'd just be a jealous dork.

Except I still haven't been wrong. I could almost, ALMOST still have respect for you, if you walked away from the train wreck (or ran)... but when you go BACK... oh dearie dear. I'm really sorry... and if you NEED me... you know where to find me. But why would I want to go after/hang out with a girl who obviously has no problems hanging out with a guy like that? I'd rather your reputation not rub off on me, kthxbye.

But I have no problems, like I said, if you need me. Just like the Saviour didn't turn away the hookers, I won't turn you away if you need a shoulder to cry on.

So... that's kinda where I stand. Feel free to ask for clarification in the usual way (that means comment!)

Oh and also, I know one of you who actually reads this. You know what a GBFS is and who Olive is.

If you do not know that you know these things, please leave a comment so that I know you read. If not I'll just have to start e-mailing her instead of leaving a blog. kthxbye!

Do you love me?

While I'm here waiting in line at the financial aid, I'll be blogging...

"Do you love me?"
"Do I WHAT?!"
-Tevye and Golde, from Fiddler on the Roof

A legitimate and fairly just question, one would suppose. And one that often arises in various relationships. And just so everyone knows... When I speak of love, I mean it in a rather specific way.

Do you inspire me to be better? Do you trust me? Do you want me to be an integral part of your life? Not just someone you associate with and know, but someone you rely on. Am I someone who would severely impact your life for the worse if I left it?

When I do things that you don't understand, do you strive to understand the why behind the action? Or do you judge me right away?

When I do dumb things, or feel bad about something I've done, do you encourage me to do better and try harder? Or do you tell me that I'm scum and horrible and gee I never should have done that to you/someone/myself.

Do you want our relationship to be stronger? What would you do to develop that relationship?

Do you want to be part of my life?

Are you willing to still be a part of my life, even when I'm doing stupid things? Not to say that you take part part in that stupidity, but that you understand that everyone makes different choices, mistakes even. Do you tell me that while you understand I have agency, you're also making the choice that while I'm doing dumb things, you won't be in my life for those parts, only when I'm trying to do things acceptable to me? That phrase might be a little confusing... but just kinda think about it I guess...

Do you want to do things that I enjoy, and learn my hobbies and interests? Do you learn about things like that on your own time, so when we're together I don't have to teach you, but we can do some of the same things?

There are more things... but they're not on my mind right now... but this is a good starter list.

Do you love me?

Random thoughts...

Okay, well now that I think about it, it's not so random... well yes, but never mind. I'm confusing the heck out of me, and I know what I'm talking about!

So... I realized something, the other day...

I'm somewhat of... well I don't know what sort of mythological creature turns icky at night. But that's what I am. Or rather, that's how I am at the moment.

But after 8PM, in proximity to females... I just get selfish desires and urges. Or more specifically any of my selfless desires and urges go right out the window. Specifics are really none of your business.

But I see them as objects. It's hard to see them as people and humans. Only things to be used for my personal gratification.

It's behavior and thoughts that I'm trying to fix... mainly by going to bed early. I can usually avoid the worst of it by being asleep earlier.


OOooooohhh... I just remembered something else!

I am willing to allow you room to make your choices, regardless of how I feel.

Specifically, I will probably tell you how I feel and then let you go your way.

To explain... I had a girl that I had a more than friends relationship with. She thought that it was not worth 5 minutes a month for her to e-mail me. You'd be surprised at what you could write in 5 minutes. I think totally this paragraph has taken me 30 seconds. With a few stops in there to think. Maybe a minute. So five of these a month was too much for her.

I told her that I felt neglected and ignored. Oh yes, and my birthday was in that month.

I don't remember exactly how she felt or what she told me, other than she couldn't ignore her family/school/everything else. For five minutes a week. Heck, I would've been fine with five minutes a month, and I told her as much.

And she told me that she wasn't willing to give me that much. And I told her how I felt about that, and that she could have a nice life, and I'd be where I am whenever she decided she wanted to be a friend and apologize... I can't remember exactly what she did, other than ignore me, but I'm sure there was something because I'm not usually that heartless. Or it could have been that she simply ignored me - our friendship wasn't even worth 5 minutes out of her life.

And we parted our ways.

I suppose I'm different than other people, in that I can lock up my love for someone, and then let it back out at my will and pleasure. And so when someone decides they want to leave my life... I am able to lock up my love for them and store it in a cool, dry place, until they decide to return.

I try to make it clear, as well... that there are certain people and behavior that I simply do not tolerate.

There are certain guys who are "guys guys" - meaning, it's fine for me to hang around with them. Because I'm not an object of their lust/affection.

I won't tolerate girls I care about allowing them to be objects of their "affection". If you are a girl, and you are... I will probably avoid you. Why? Because he will hurt/use/abuse you, and I told you so. And I don't want to be there when he does. Why? Because I don't like to see you hurting, which is why I expressed disapproval for him in the first place. And I really don't want to be the one there when he breaks your heart and you say, "But I loved him so much! Whine whine whine!"

Obviously he didn't love you, and I told you that from the beginning. Why did you even bother? Did you think you could change him? Or that you're so irresistible that he wouldn't cheat on you, too? Let's be honest - no one is that good.

Now once you decide that you're going to get into a relationship like that... my respect level for you will drop like a stone. Perhaps it's addictive behavior... but c'mon, that's some seriously f-ed up stuff. That's like snorting cocaine and shooting up with a heroin chaser, followed up by a good stiff shot of morphine. And while you're waiting for those to kick in, snorting up a months worth of powdered ritalin.

Yeah, severely stupid. Actually I'm pretty sure drugs would be harder to kick... so it'd be like starting off your drug use with those.

So yeah... I really don't like that.

----

Another thing I do is pretend that relationship actually mean something. If you're in a relationship with someone, I don't care if it's the above abusive moron. I will completely stop expressing any affection for you more than a friendship.

Why would I do that? Simple - I take relationships seriously. If you consider yourself in one, I'm not going to try and get you out of that. Because I care about your happiness, and if you think you're gonna be happy with the moron mentioned above... or any other guy, good or bad... I'm not going to stand in your way. I want you to be happy, and I figure you know yourself a lot better than me.

Plus I don't want to rain on your parade. So I keep out of your way, and let you do your thing.

Of course, the selfish aspect is I would rather not be hurt when you choose his company over mine, so I lock my heart up in a little box where you can't get it.

----

I don't know if all this is a good thing or a bad thing, or if it just is. For certain is that it is. I suppose that's enough for now...

Girl Power!

Or something.

Well, now it's the girls turn. Of course the rest of this will have to wait until I get back from Ratatouille. Or rather, I'll be going to see that somewhere in the middle here.

So, I'll begin by presenting the very dumb dumb things that girls do. And then we'll go from there.

The first dumb thing is fishing for compliments. An example:

Girl: I'm sooo ugly/fat/dumb
Boy(sincere): Awww, no you're not, you're beautiful/skinny/smart
G: You're just saying that!
B: No I'm not! You really are!
G: No, I'm just a fat cow nobody loves!
B: You're not fat! (She really isn't)

It goes on longer until the girl has extracted all the compliments she wants or the guy gets sick and tells her she is.

In the end? Either one or both are upset, and it wasn't great at all.

What is the solution? First off - trust us! We do know what we're talking about. And guess what that says to us when you say, "You're just saying that!"

That says, "You're totally lying to me, I can't trust you to tell the truth about what I look like." And girls... that's a bad way to go with a relationship. Most guys should be aware of their girls feelings (unless you hide them. Don't do that.) and we should be complimenting you all over the place. A lot of times we screw up and don't do what we should, and it doesn't hurt to say, "Honey, I'm feeling a little blue right now. Could you tell me about the good you see in me?"

If you try that and the guy is still slacking... well, get another guy. But if you're that direct, most every guy I know will be able to roll out a string of compliments as long as your arm. And they'll feel good and you'll feel good (if you TRUST them!). And you know what the best part of doing that is? If you have a caring guy, he'll begin to learn what signs you show when you need some lovin'.

Here's another fun thing that makes me grind my teeth to my gums.

Girls who say, "I can't!"

I don't think I've ever talked to a girl who told me that in the proper context.

Proper Context:

"Flap your arms and fly to the moon!" - "But I can't!"

"Hold your breath for ten hours!" - "But I can't without dying!"

"Grow a hundred feet tall!" - "I can't! That's not physically possible!"

Get the picture? And now some improper context:

"When a guy is a jerk like that? Yeah, tell him NO!" - "I can't do that! That's mean!"

"Honey, we need to talk..." - "I'm kinda busy right now talking to some friends" - "It's really important. Just ask them to IM you back in 5 minutes." - "I can't do that!"

"Look, all I want is five minutes out of your week! All you have to do is tell your family you'll be back in five and just send me an e-mail, 'I'm thinking of you, this week is crazy busy! I'm well and I'll ttyl!' that's all I need!" - "I can't tell my family that!"
---

Yeah... those were some actual quotes. Possibly slightly adapted... but oh, so very actual. Pretty awesome, huh?

But by awesome, I mean "Dumb as driveway gravel."

Look, if a woman can swim the English-freaking-channel, you most certainly can tell a guy he's a freaking jerk because he only wants to make out with you and doesn't want to do anything that's important to you (i.e. go to church, read whatever scriptures are common to your religion, go on walks, sing, really anything that's important to you). Yeah, if the guy isn't willing to give more than he takes? Time to get rid of him. Don't be stupid, dear.

Here's one thing that pisses me off more than just about any stupid thing girls can do. I mean... I honestly can't stand to be in the company of girls like this because it offends every single one of my sensibilities.

Okay, that guy? He cheated on someone else? That's pretty bad. That guy cheated on you? Yeah, you pretty much shouldn't ever talk to him again. I'm all for repentance and forgiveness, but you don't have to be stupid! It's one thing if he expresses a desire to stay with you and he changes his behaviour. That's right, change. Because I tell you something, if he acts like he did before? If he isn't cheating already, he soon will be. Dump him like a hot tamale and find some guy who actually cares about you.

Seriously, I cannot tell you the phenomenal amount of stupidity that's involved in that kind of action. I mean... they don't want to change? At all? Even worse, they said they'd change and they haven't at all? My goodness woman! You need to get a refund on those brains because they're obviously defective!

Well, I don't know, maybe you're fulfilled when you're treated like an object. When you're not even second - you're last. All of you are last in his life. He's first and foremost. It really makes me sick. On both ends. I hate that guys like that exist, but I hate even more that you girls fall for them. Ugh!

Now... Here's the last thing I have... there may be many more ways that you may be stupid, the only way to not be too stupid is watch and be careful, lest ye become dumb as driveway gravel.

But the last thing... if you don't like something, or you wish we would do something different or better? Let us know! We aren't mind readers. But of course, don't expect us to go ahead and do it. A lot of times we will... or we'll make an effort. If it's something really serious... then yeah, you should hold us to it. Oh, and if you are gonna tell us something - please please please don't do it in front of anyone else.

A simple - "I don't feel like you treat me romantic enough" will suffice. We might change, or we might have a good reason that we do it how we do. And darling, there are some things that it really doesn't matter how it's done. If we fold our undies, or don't, the world won't end. Now, if we're interfering with your undawears, that's something different. But seriously... there are a lot of things that we've done this way forever. Just because your dad/mom/brother/uncle/twelfth cousin once removed/sister did it differently... doesn't mean we should do it that way.

I'm tired and I've probably rambled. Just don't be stupid. Is that really too much to ask? Is it?

Boys...

and why they're stupid.

Girls, I hate to burst your collective bubble, but guys are complete dum dum heads. Jerks, dummerkopfs, SO*ahems*... the list could go on for many more words than I care to write.

Now to catalog the ways and reasons guys are stupid. Now, if you get down to it, I believe a lot of what people do stems from a good desire. The problem is, from that desire to action it goes through so many horrible mistranslations that when it finally comes out, instead of "I love you, dear", it comes out "Go soak your head, tramp!"

Well, when you get down to it, I could say there are two types of actions - selfish and selfless.

Guys are mostly selfish, but we get a lot more joy out of life when we're selfless.

Okay, so there was tons of rambling while I tried to get my bearings (largely that's what I do, if you hadn't noticed. You should've seen me writing one of my papers. BLARGH! That was horrid how much I had to throw out!).

So here goes.

I believe that us menfolk have been designed as such that we have a desire to take care of girls, make babies, and raise a family. Now, this is something I've more or less believed since the beginning of time.

I'm really not sure what guys believe, but if I look around, my guess would be they believe the TV. Which tells them that womens feel nice and purty and that womens are only good for being used cause we're so much better us big guys.

Dummerkopfs, like I said.

So, for the most part, that's how guys treat their women. The main goal is to "conquest" as much territory as we can. Surely you didn't think it was just a cute nickname that we "got to second base", did you? Underlying the stupid actions and desires there's a real urge, but for the most part it's repressed. Real Men don't have families. Real Men are like James Bond, sleeping with the enemy, and then killing her later with no remorse. Freak Yes!

Too bad that doesn't bring happiness. So it must have been the wrong girl, right?

Er... well, no, not exactly. Actually, nothing could be farther from the truth. Fellers, if you believe that, you're dumber than a sack of rocks and I have some wonderful oceanfront property in Arkansas to sell you...

So guys see women as a conquest. What else do they do?

Well, not only are YOU a conquest, but if they can get other women at the same time? Oh man, now HE's a man!

That's the theory anyway. It appears rather popular, from what I've seen. I think it's the dumbest thing since cigarettes, but hey, what do I know? I've never had sex or made out with 16 different women! Heck, I've only "made out" once, something that I truly regret. That I have at all. Mainly because I was being retarded, in that I believed her when she said she loved me.

Here's a tip for all those guys... if she ever tells you she loves you, and then at a later date she tells you that sometime between then and now she's made out with a bunch of guys and she wants your forgiveness... forgive her and then let her go. Either that or keep yourself when she's around, because honestly, the only thing she's going to do to you is break you down.

But yes, back to the dumb things we do... okay so those types of guys I told you about just now? The ones who are actively using you... those are the guys to drop like a hot tamale. Get rid of them fast!

But there's another type of guys who make dumb mistakes. But we do it out of sincere stupidity and love for you. We think it's the right and best thing to do for you. We may seem like it's about us, but it's really about you.

But how can you tell the difference? Is it for us guys or for you? Would you like to know? It's really rather simple.

If a guy wants something physical, it's for him. Period. It doesn't matter if you ask or throw yourself at him or anything. It's for him. And if he gives into you when he really doesn't want to, it's not any good for him.

Once you're married, things are slightly different. But if a guy wants anything physical, it's for himself.

If I wanna hold your hand? Yeah, that's for me. Cuddle? Yeah, that's for me. Hug? For me. Kiss? For me. Anything else? Yeah, that's for me too. Sure, you can enjoy it too... but it's really for me. Once you're married, however, things are completely different.

Now, we are physical beings, and we need physical contact to feel whole and complete (if you wanted to do some research, there are orphanages in other countries where they have so many babies and no one to hold them, and the kids - otherwise healthy - just give up and die. We need physical contact, fact of life). This physical contact, though, should be proportionate to our relationship. Acquaintances? Handshakes are good. Friends? Hugs are great. Been dating for a while or good friends? Holding hands, or an arm around the shoulder/waist is fine. Been seriously dating? Cuddle a bit, and maybe a chaste kiss goodnight. Don't know what a chaste kiss is? I'll give you a hint - if you could kiss your mother/sister/brother/father like that, it's OK.

Once you're married... well that's when you get to have all the physical fun. You've got a good 20-40 years of that ahead of you. Seriously, you won't miss out on anything.

So, what is a girl to do? I mean, you probably want some lovin' action, too.

Well, if you want to be in a good, healthy, enduring relationship... stick to my guidelines above. And if the guy wants more, STAY FIRM! Tell him NO, you do NOT do that. If you stick to your guns, you'll be able to separate the guys you want to be around with those you don't want to be around without a taser.

If the guy continues to press it after you've told him no? Get rid of him as fast as you can. Unless you'd like to be an object in an abusive relationship. If that's your idea of fulfillment... go right ahead, I'm not going to stop you. I will, however, stop talking to you. I try not to keep company with people who drag me down, and darling, if that's what you like, you're not the company I want to be with.

If, on the other hand, this guy says "Oh, okay," and gives it up? Now that's a guy you want to keep. Holy cow do you want him around! Of course, that's assuming he isn't getting a little on the side, but you should know about that one. But if he's faithful to you and is fine with those guidelines up there? Yeah, that guy is good as gold. He may do some dumb things, but he's a good one.

The sad thing is that most of the guys you know are boneheads. Truly. I've been guilty of it myself, but those events are really none of your business.

But if you go after the kinda guys I mentioned... well, you'll increase the quality of guys. It's the whole supply and demand - you girls are in demand, you have the commodity. Now, if you remain aloof and don't respond at all to our attentions... well, you'll be an old maid and you deserve it, jerk. You wouldn't believe the power you girls have over us guys, if you just know how to use it.

I'll talk a little bit about that tomorrow.

Please, get rid of the jerks. Go after some good guys instead.

Libraries, Love, Friendship, and Fun

First off, the Salt Lake City Public Library is one of the best I've ever been to. I think very seriously about moving/living in a huge city for that reason alone. I'm a library fiend!

Now, the rest of this post will be devoted to why I think MySpace is worse than it is good.


Now, some (or most, if the numbers don't lie) of you will disagree with me and say, "But MySpace is so wonderful! I have a great time on there talking to all those wonderful people! You're just mad because you only have (now, I have no idea what the number is, so I'll check... ahhhh) 18 firends!"

Well, yes and no. First of, I do have 18 friends, now let me go look through them so I can tell you how many of those I've talked to in the last month (that I can remember). Five. Five out of eighteen friends.

One of those I'm related to.

That's not very many. I will make a suggestion that the percentage of "friends" that everyone else has is a whole lot smaller. I would venture a guess that those who have friends in the hundreds contact friends in the single digits. If you take those five that I've talked to in the past month, and pull out the ones I've talked to in the past seven days, you have three people. Not very many, eh? And if you notice, the youngest "friend" of mine is (in reality) 16. She's related to me, my cousin.

Now, here's the counter argument to that - "But you have hundreds of people on your combined buddy lists! What's the difference??"

The difference is that I actually had to talk to them at one point. And if I choose not to tell them anything about me, they don't know anything. They don't know what I look like, they don't know where I live or anything else about me. They don't have to know my name, or my siblings or parents or anything, other than whatever we talk about.

Of course there are pros and cons to that, but nowhere near that of MS.

I suppose what it could boil down to is something that I inherently dislike to no end.

In the beginning of time (or maybe it's around when I was... I don't know, really... actually it probably was near the beginning of time for me), I had an inherent knowledge that everyone was people. When I began to enter into the fullness of mine age (read, puberty time, baby!), I began to notice girls, and unbeknownst to me, they noticed me as well. There was, however, a slight problem.

Forasmuch as I knew of their inherent worth as a daughter of Heavenly Father, and not merely an object for my physical gratification, I tended to treat them as such. Of course I have mine regrets about a certain number of population, but for the most part, I did rather good - especially when I was interested in them. Even more so when they had a low opinion of themselves. I suppose I took it to myself that it should be some good thing, if I were to make known unto them their true nature. And such I did.

When I talked to girls who were sad and lonely, who thought they had no worth, I could bring a ray of sunshine to their lives. And verily, I cared for them and who they were. It hurt me then, as it hurts me today, when I see guys treating their girls as objects to behold, rather than the being that they are.

Either the girls have not seen or they have not understood mine actions, for verily, they did all disdain me in favour of another. Most usually another sometime in the future. More specifically, I was worse than having nothing.

I'm not going to get into the me part of this, though it would be quite entertaining. No, instead I'll tell you about what the heck this has to do with MySpace.

MySpace is objectification at it's best. Or worse, whichever way that you look at it. I would be unsurprised if I was one out of the sea of millions who feels the same way I do. Perhaps there might be ten others... and I know there are some good groups on MySpace... but truly it's like having a healthy hand in a body that all major organs are clutched with cancer.

The objectification is thus that you are not a person to these... "friend collectors". You are a trading card. Your stats, photos, and videos, are what impresses them so much. Simply a video game to spend the time in between classes or whatever. You're not even a Pokeymans (yes I know that's not how it's spelled)! Heck, even Magic: The Gathering, is better than you on MS.

Why, exactly, is this? Because, Dear Reader, Pokemon and M:TG were designed for such a life. You were not. You are much more than that. Regardless of your religious belief (I can walk you through it in a philosophical sense, if you'd like. Give me a belief and some background, and I'll tell you how it works, unless you simply have a religious belief that you are nothing more than a trading card, in which case you're wrong, and you do know it.), you are much more than a trading card.

Those are my philosophical reasons to hate MS, but I do have one more reason. Two, really. Or rather it has a dual purpose, one philosophical, the other purely... well, I suppose to me it's mainly philosophical.

The layouts! My goodness! 99% of every MS page I see makes me want to create violent works of art with the author! In order to violate web sense, good design practice, humanity, and talent in such a manner requires first the sacrifice of millions of jews, help in the ethnic cleansing of Darfur and Kosovo, and the intentional destruction of a train full of dying babies!

The absolute inhumanity involved in the creation of these pages cannot be described with mere words! It's no wonder than so many people are depressed today! When I go to MS and see the sites people have "customized", I want to kill myself too! I wish for eyebleach almost every site I visit!

Seriously folks, that's some messed up "design".

But in all seriousness, I do believe that there are problems with it. I'd love to do a study to see if myspace really does make people feel depressed.

But I do know you're objectified. Really. Also, I know those guys who are your "friends" don't care about you at all, they just want to use your body.

I think that's what hurts me the most about anything is how blind, or uncaring, all these girls are. I care so much for all of these girls I know and I want their happiness. I don't want them to be used and objectified. If you happen to be a girl and reading this is (I bet all of you are, actually), I don't want YOU to be objectified.

So seriously... hate objectification, and avoid places that you are.

Please?

Pain Pain Pain....

So... it turns out that I'm burnt WAY worse than I thought was humanly possible. Awesome. Oh wait, no, sucks bad. My shoulders and face are freaking radishes. I wish I would've worn my shirt... sucksitude.


Last night I woke up about a billion times, not so much in pain, although I was hungry as nobodies business. During that time, I came up with somewhat of a realization... Or rather, a topic I could write about. And so, without further ado, I give you...

Discourse on Physical Contact

Someone once told me that it's better to engage in some intimate contact before marriage, up to a point. Her reasoning was that it's better to expose yourself, so that you're better able to resist engaging in further intimate actions when you get older. In the words of Dr. Goddard, there's only one thing wrong with that. It's completely false.

Now, you may want to argue that point and say, "Oh no, that's totally true - see, I make out with people all the time, and because of that, if I don't want to make out with someone I don't have to. And I also draw the line at anything more than that, so there's really never a problem."

That sure would be nice if it's true, but it's not. To give you sort of an example - Let's say you're climbing a mountain, and you come across a ledge that's about four feet wide. On the left side is a sheer cliff, climbing hundreds of feet. On the right is a drop off that drops down 100 feet or more. Where is the safest spot to be?

Well, let's label these areas, shall we? At the leftmost, basically sidling along the wall, that's complete sexual/physical abstinence. The dropping off the cliff would really depend on what view you take of physical relations. But for my intents and purposes, I'll say it's going all the way. Hanging off the cliff with only two fingers would be heavy petting, or as they seem to call it now "manual stimulation". Regardless.

Making out is walking along about six inches from the edge. If you're cuddling with your feet off the ground, that's about a foot from the edge. With your feet on the ground is a foot and a half. If you only hug and kiss like you would a father/brother/sister/mother, then that's walking about six inches away from the wall. If you hold hands and hug, that's about a foot and a half away.

That was quite the jumble, so lets take this in a nice list form.

• Sidling along the wall is no physical contact other than perhaps the occasional hug and handshakes


• Three and a half feet from the edge is hugs/kisses like you would mother/father/sister/brother


• Three feet is holding hands and hugging in addition to the above.


• Between Three and two feet adds kissing with your lips closed, but not in a mother/father/brother/sister type way to the above, depending on duration, etc.


• One and a half feet from the edge includes cuddling with your feet on the floor


• One foot away is taking your feet off the ground, but still sitting up


• Six inches from the edge is making out in addition to the above


• Walking along the edge with your feet half off is cuddling lying down, in addition to the above


• Hanging off by one or two fingers is petting, in addition to the above


• Falling off is anything more than the above

So that's the list. Now, you can't tell me that you're less likely to fall off the cliff if you're walking along the edge, than if you were three feet away from it.

At least not retaining respect in my eyes. It's rather a nonsensical idea. If you want to be safe, you stay away from the cliff, you don't walk close by. The same thing is with physical relations - you don't stay safe by doing MORE things, you stay safe by doing less. How do I know this? Experience.

Now before I tell you about what a good teacher experience is, I will tell you of a possibility. There may be some people for whom these rules are altered. Some may be worse, some may be less. But as a rule of thumb, those are pretty much the guidelines. Actually I don't know of anyone who is really excused from those, and I really do think they're rather conservative.

So experience. Before I was 16, I had never kissed a girl at all. When I first kissed a girl, I had broken the barrier, so to speak. I had kissed before, I could do it again. And ultimately would. But they were fairly innocent and rather chaste kisses. A quick peck on the lips, as it were. Later, I kissed another girl on the cheek. With each kiss it was easier and easier. But I really didn't do more than that. One girl I cuddled with, once or twice... but that was really it.

Now, I don't know if it's different to you, but I'd like to think this is more or less the right way to express affection physically - specifically, when you can no longer tell her (or him) in words, just how much you love them. And so you resort to a kiss. A much more base expression of love, but when expressed in that way, a much higher form. But in that way it's also more sacred.

Well, this girl I thought I was going to marry - I loved her (at least I think I did... love is such a weird concept anyways). A lot. And I desired her as well, and I expressed that in a kiss... and then another, and then a few more. And later, before she had to leave, the kisses I gave evolved into some full fledged snogging. I tried to express how I felt for her in that way. I really don't know if she felt it (since she dumped me later on, I know she obviously didn't feel the same way I did).

Well, that was great and all, except for one thing. Now I feel the desire to play tonsil hockey. I really don't have a desire to feel the way I felt with her, I just want the physical sensations.

That's really my one regret in that relationship, is that I kissed her.

Because now that desire is awake, and it wants to be fed. I do my best to keep from feeding said desire, because I know that all that will happen is I'll go one step closer to the edge. Or a giant leap. And I don't really want that. So I keep busy with school, work, and expanding my base of knowledge. And trying to become more compassionate. That's one thing that I've noticed as well. When I succumb to those desires in a manner that really probably isn't appropriate (such as making out before I'm married), then the baser desires and egocentric actions are brought to the forefront, and the ectocentric desires are repulsed.

And it's been a learning experience that I really didn't want and has been rather lame. I wish with all my heart that I never kissed her. But I have, and there's nothing I can do to go back and change that. So I have to live with the consequences and try to regain those good bits that I've had in the past.

But you know what the worst thing is? Intellectually, this guide makes sense. And I remember when I felt how right and good it was. But now... I'm really confused. I don't know it any more. People, even those I respect, seem to have different ideals than I do. Which, needless to say, confuses the heck out of me.

I don't really know what to think about that kinda stuff anymore, so I really just try to... well, keep to myself, really. I haven't really tried to hang out with friends, or meet new people, or develop relationships, or anything.

It also used to be that I had what you could call a "default-allow" policy. I would allow people (girls) deep into my life and emotions. I would trust them until they gave me reason not to. But now I've changed to a "default-deny" policy. I keep people out. I'm suspicious of every girl (yes, you included. Sorry to say it, but it's true. Okay, that's a lie, I'm really not sorry at all, I'd rather be safe. I'm sorry if you feel bad because of that, but more in a third-person-no-responsibility-claimed sort of way.)

It seems that I start every day suspicious. For the most part. Or preparing for the worst or whatever. I mean I kinda trust you... but rather than believe the very best, I tend to be a little more suspicious, I think. Like I said, default deny. All because of a kiss.

In the Intersection

You may wonder at the title. Well, this is Inside my mind, and the intersection just happens to be where all the thoughts collide. Or several and what-not.

Regardless.

I read the 7th Harry Potter book yesterday and holy cow! So good... I'm glad Harry isn't such a whiny bum anymore. The last few books he was all "Whine whine! I'm such a poor boy, nobody cares about me and Voldemort wants to kill me, but I don't want to learn to defend myself, whine whine whine!"

But in this book he grows up. I'm glad.

---

In other news, I realized... well, re-realized? I don't know. Well, also I'm still just puzzling things out... but basically - the girls that I've been attracted to in times past have certain problems in their relationship with me, namely (in no particular order) these:

1)The guys they get interested in are jerks of the highest order. Manipulative, self-serving, womanizing... well just kinda scum.

2)I'm no better than these cads except for one way - I try to reign in said scummy behavior. It doesn't always work and sometimes I'm a jerk. But foremost in my mind is one desire which I like to think is above most other guys I've met. Well it's sort of a dual desire, companions if you will.

3)The me part is first: I have a desire to be the most important (after God, of course) person in their lives. I want to be their best friend ever. That's not to say I want to replace other friends they have and exclude them from their lives... but in a certain respect, I do. Ohhhh, yes, there's that... um I guess it'll be four or five. I'll mention it by saying "This is the 'that' that I was talking about in three." But the me part wants to be most important and wanted in their life. I think a lot of that has to do with (sympathy vote here) not having any REAL friends. I mean I have friends and people I'm friendly with, but I've never really had anyone who's been a friend to me for any great length of time. Five years, tops, I believe. I've known a lot of people for longer than that, but there's no one I could consider a friend who's been there for that long. And the people I'm "friends" with, I'm only... shall we say - conditional friends. Specifically, under certain conditions do our society entwine. Like for instance - there are plenty of people I can interact with in a friendly sort of way online, or at work, or at school, or watching TV/movies...

But I don't have someone who wants to do everything together, i.e. watch some movies together, then the next day go play in the woods shooting bb/pellet/real guns, then the next day make something, like a birdhouse or something, then the next day debate some random point, and then the next we cook some food.

Also that person inspires me to be the best Me I can be.

But I don't have anyone like that, and I wish I did. Dang this one was long.

4) I'm not looking for a casual relationship, like most guys. I don't begin a relationship with a girl because I think it'd be fun or I want some physical lovin'. See, I know what the whole (okay, I don't know 100%, of everything, but I'm pretty sure I have a good grasp) point of relationships are.

Random interjection - I only have hair on my 2nd knuckle on my ring fingers. Weird.

But back on track, I really don't know what the heck the majority of guys & dolls think a relationship is for. I guess they feel some type of hole inside them and believe that perhaps a relationship is a way to fix it. And then they get all touchy-feely, because they find that being "together" doesn't plug the hole for long. Well the little touchy-feely they get into doesn't fill that hole either. So they begin to try more and more to plug up that hole. But the problem is they don't know what it is they're doing, and they get into trouble, because pretty soon they feel that something is amiss and they don't know what went wrong. So maybe this relationship isn't working out because gosh darn it, that hole didn't stay plugged! So there must be something wrong with you, so I'm gonna go find someone else, thank-you-very-much.

Surprise surprise, that guy (or girl) doesn't win either.

So let's examine where we are, shall we?

We're "going out". Now we're making out. Now we have a falling out. And now we're doing it all over again. Hmm... sounds pretty stupid to me. It didn't work the first time, rather than change the actions, we did the same thing trying for different results.

I can't tell you what a stupid idea that one is.

5) This is the "that" that I was talking about in three. It's a lot like four, but it describes what I'm looking for instead of what I ain't.

A cup of water right now... but that will change in a minute. Mmm, much better!

So here's the low down. When I first meet a girl, of course I notice if she's physically attractive to me. When I say that, what do I mean? Face first, especially the smile. That's pretty much how I judge character is by their face and their smile. You'd be surprised at what you can learn about someone by their smile. You can tell pretty much every emotion by their smile. Are they happy? Are they kind? Are they sick and twisted? Are they gentle? Are they angry? Are they stupid? Are they manipulative? And more, if you just know how to read a smile. The eyes, too.

But sometimes they can hide who they are behind what they think they are. So I don't give right up on them. Then I start to talk to them. I've noticed lately... girls don't talk anymore. I don't know if it's their ages, or maybe I've gotten older and scary, or perhaps I've stopped being so compassionate and that shows in my face. But I really hate talking about myself because I'm so awkward at it.

I love that word. Awkward. It just looks so awkward!

But back to me. I found I tend to ramble on because when girls ask, "So what do you like to do?" And I say, "Everything." They respond with an awkward silence. They used to actually talk, but it's been a while, and I'm not sure why. It seems to me like such an effort to get people to talk about themselves...

But when it seems that they have an interesting personality (I haven't found any of those lately either...), I want to get to know them better, so I like to DO things. Like play a game or watch a movie or dance or sing or ANYTHING. To talk about who we are and where we're going. Read together. Make and eat food.

And then when I feel that I know her well enough, and we've talked about things like that before, I very well likely would ask her to marry me.

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Not so random thought, but I'm just curious if there are any girls out there, between the ages of 18-30 who didn't want (not to say there was no physical desire, but their will overcame said desires. I've had the desire to put a grenade in someone's mouth, but I doubt that means it's appropriate...) to kiss, and didn't kiss before they were married.

That is my one real regret about my last relationship. That I kissed her. Oh, it was fun enough - and she said she enjoyed it... eh... why bother trying to explain it? I don't think anyone I've ever talked to has understood, or even wanted to. They simply wanted to justify their own tonsil hockey.

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There's another view I have about the physical side to a relationship. Once you're married, that's a different ball game. But to me, prior to marriage, physical contact should be kept to a certain arena, namely holding hands, hugging, and possibly some cuddling thrown in for good measure. But really, that's where I had, and again do draw the line. Of course, for me it's really academic at this point, because I really don't have anyone who's developed to the point where I'd have a desire to even date them.

AHhhh... there we go, now I'm gonna get started on THAT crap.

I hate, with a passion, the term and idea behind "going out". I've hated it since I heard of it, and it's never made sense to me. Most people I've met who "go out", have never been on one single date! And I've known people who have "gone out" for months without actually dating! GAH! Stupid stupid stupid stupid!

That's like trying to build a car with a screwdriver! Look, I can barely form a coherent thought because I upset myself with this junk so much.

These are my views:

The point of dating is to get married, the point of getting married is to have and raise children. The point of physical expressions of love (kissing, etc) is because when expressed in the proper way (after you're married for one!) then it is the ultimate expression of pure love their is.

But just like anything - the greater capacity for good, the greater capacity for bad. If you misuse those forms of communication it can lead to all sorts of unwholesomeness. Which is why I prefer to keep the physical stuff to a minimum.

But seriously - I can't say "would you like to go on a date with me this friday?" "What do you have in mind?" "Well, I'd pick you up at 6PM, and we'll go climb pinnacle mountain with a picnic dinner, and at the top we'll eat, talk, and watch the sun go down, and I'll have you home by 10:30PM. How's that sound?" "Great! I love to hike! I'll see you at 6!" "Awesome, I'll see you then! Remember to bring some water!"

And there you go... we'd probably have some fun, and certainly some good food (after all, I made it!) and see a beautiful sunset. But noooooo. All you can do nowadays is "go out". What kind of ridiculous tripe is that? It's really just an excuse to make out, I'm pretty sure... ehhh... whatever. I'm tired of harping about that junk.

Also, religious beliefs are extremely important in a relationship... and so it's a great idea to make sure (you know, when you're dating, or really going out, not just "going out") that you have an agreement on that, because your relationship with your God should be more important than with your spouse.

Why do I say that? Because IMHO, any good religion, their god will tell you that getting married is a great idea, and tells us rather lazy guys how we ought to treat our women, and that we should treat them really well.

Well... I suppose I'm done rambling by now. Though as it looks to me this has been a little more like a random hike across the countryside than a little ramble!

Oh yeah, and personally I also don't feel like I'm ready for marriage yet. I was, once upon a time. But I'm not right now. I have school to get through, and money to earn before I'm even financially in a place where I could even get married - even to rent a teeny shack in someone's back yard would be kinda a problem ATM...

To life!