Oracle, the Fail Whale

Database Systems - a required course for all CS majors at the University of Central Arkansas. Cool deal, not a problem for me.

What is a problem, however, is Oracle's website. You can download oracle for free, for prototyping and self-educational purposes, which is sure nice of them. What is stupid of them is that they require the use of cookies to allow you validation to the download link, which means I can't use wget to download the file, as far as I know anyway.

And that makes Oracle fail.

Or it could just be the fact that I already have a headache and it just annoys me further.

What Do You Call...

A beautiful human being who has a LOT of potential, but she usually thinks she's not worth much. When she's told how important and beautiful she is, she reacts to these compliments with not gracious acceptance, but sometimes vehement denial, sometimes substituted with "whatever." She is perfectly willing, when she's sad or in any way hurt, to take advantage of the love and compassion shown to her by some male, but unless, and sometimes even when he's really down in the dumps, she will favor the type of male known as "jerkicus maximus", or "abusivus totalaraius". As a matter of fact, she will reject every type of advice, call to action, or plea to get some GOOD specimen, and will instead stay with this type of male. On occasion, she will reject one for the other, or bounce between several different subspecies of these, but she will probably never get a male who treats her right. On occasion she will reject all males in favour of the single life, or even in favor of females, where she will find the exact same treatment she had.

So what do you call this type of person?

Why, the type of girl that I've always loved, of course!

Stupidity rocks...

So, in a bout of being stupid, I'm about to go search myspace and facebook for old flames of mine...

yay.

Random thoughts...

Okay, well now that I think about it, it's not so random... well yes, but never mind. I'm confusing the heck out of me, and I know what I'm talking about!

So... I realized something, the other day...

I'm somewhat of... well I don't know what sort of mythological creature turns icky at night. But that's what I am. Or rather, that's how I am at the moment.

But after 8PM, in proximity to females... I just get selfish desires and urges. Or more specifically any of my selfless desires and urges go right out the window. Specifics are really none of your business.

But I see them as objects. It's hard to see them as people and humans. Only things to be used for my personal gratification.

It's behavior and thoughts that I'm trying to fix... mainly by going to bed early. I can usually avoid the worst of it by being asleep earlier.


OOooooohhh... I just remembered something else!

I am willing to allow you room to make your choices, regardless of how I feel.

Specifically, I will probably tell you how I feel and then let you go your way.

To explain... I had a girl that I had a more than friends relationship with. She thought that it was not worth 5 minutes a month for her to e-mail me. You'd be surprised at what you could write in 5 minutes. I think totally this paragraph has taken me 30 seconds. With a few stops in there to think. Maybe a minute. So five of these a month was too much for her.

I told her that I felt neglected and ignored. Oh yes, and my birthday was in that month.

I don't remember exactly how she felt or what she told me, other than she couldn't ignore her family/school/everything else. For five minutes a week. Heck, I would've been fine with five minutes a month, and I told her as much.

And she told me that she wasn't willing to give me that much. And I told her how I felt about that, and that she could have a nice life, and I'd be where I am whenever she decided she wanted to be a friend and apologize... I can't remember exactly what she did, other than ignore me, but I'm sure there was something because I'm not usually that heartless. Or it could have been that she simply ignored me - our friendship wasn't even worth 5 minutes out of her life.

And we parted our ways.

I suppose I'm different than other people, in that I can lock up my love for someone, and then let it back out at my will and pleasure. And so when someone decides they want to leave my life... I am able to lock up my love for them and store it in a cool, dry place, until they decide to return.

I try to make it clear, as well... that there are certain people and behavior that I simply do not tolerate.

There are certain guys who are "guys guys" - meaning, it's fine for me to hang around with them. Because I'm not an object of their lust/affection.

I won't tolerate girls I care about allowing them to be objects of their "affection". If you are a girl, and you are... I will probably avoid you. Why? Because he will hurt/use/abuse you, and I told you so. And I don't want to be there when he does. Why? Because I don't like to see you hurting, which is why I expressed disapproval for him in the first place. And I really don't want to be the one there when he breaks your heart and you say, "But I loved him so much! Whine whine whine!"

Obviously he didn't love you, and I told you that from the beginning. Why did you even bother? Did you think you could change him? Or that you're so irresistible that he wouldn't cheat on you, too? Let's be honest - no one is that good.

Now once you decide that you're going to get into a relationship like that... my respect level for you will drop like a stone. Perhaps it's addictive behavior... but c'mon, that's some seriously f-ed up stuff. That's like snorting cocaine and shooting up with a heroin chaser, followed up by a good stiff shot of morphine. And while you're waiting for those to kick in, snorting up a months worth of powdered ritalin.

Yeah, severely stupid. Actually I'm pretty sure drugs would be harder to kick... so it'd be like starting off your drug use with those.

So yeah... I really don't like that.

----

Another thing I do is pretend that relationship actually mean something. If you're in a relationship with someone, I don't care if it's the above abusive moron. I will completely stop expressing any affection for you more than a friendship.

Why would I do that? Simple - I take relationships seriously. If you consider yourself in one, I'm not going to try and get you out of that. Because I care about your happiness, and if you think you're gonna be happy with the moron mentioned above... or any other guy, good or bad... I'm not going to stand in your way. I want you to be happy, and I figure you know yourself a lot better than me.

Plus I don't want to rain on your parade. So I keep out of your way, and let you do your thing.

Of course, the selfish aspect is I would rather not be hurt when you choose his company over mine, so I lock my heart up in a little box where you can't get it.

----

I don't know if all this is a good thing or a bad thing, or if it just is. For certain is that it is. I suppose that's enough for now...

Girl Power!

Or something.

Well, now it's the girls turn. Of course the rest of this will have to wait until I get back from Ratatouille. Or rather, I'll be going to see that somewhere in the middle here.

So, I'll begin by presenting the very dumb dumb things that girls do. And then we'll go from there.

The first dumb thing is fishing for compliments. An example:

Girl: I'm sooo ugly/fat/dumb
Boy(sincere): Awww, no you're not, you're beautiful/skinny/smart
G: You're just saying that!
B: No I'm not! You really are!
G: No, I'm just a fat cow nobody loves!
B: You're not fat! (She really isn't)

It goes on longer until the girl has extracted all the compliments she wants or the guy gets sick and tells her she is.

In the end? Either one or both are upset, and it wasn't great at all.

What is the solution? First off - trust us! We do know what we're talking about. And guess what that says to us when you say, "You're just saying that!"

That says, "You're totally lying to me, I can't trust you to tell the truth about what I look like." And girls... that's a bad way to go with a relationship. Most guys should be aware of their girls feelings (unless you hide them. Don't do that.) and we should be complimenting you all over the place. A lot of times we screw up and don't do what we should, and it doesn't hurt to say, "Honey, I'm feeling a little blue right now. Could you tell me about the good you see in me?"

If you try that and the guy is still slacking... well, get another guy. But if you're that direct, most every guy I know will be able to roll out a string of compliments as long as your arm. And they'll feel good and you'll feel good (if you TRUST them!). And you know what the best part of doing that is? If you have a caring guy, he'll begin to learn what signs you show when you need some lovin'.

Here's another fun thing that makes me grind my teeth to my gums.

Girls who say, "I can't!"

I don't think I've ever talked to a girl who told me that in the proper context.

Proper Context:

"Flap your arms and fly to the moon!" - "But I can't!"

"Hold your breath for ten hours!" - "But I can't without dying!"

"Grow a hundred feet tall!" - "I can't! That's not physically possible!"

Get the picture? And now some improper context:

"When a guy is a jerk like that? Yeah, tell him NO!" - "I can't do that! That's mean!"

"Honey, we need to talk..." - "I'm kinda busy right now talking to some friends" - "It's really important. Just ask them to IM you back in 5 minutes." - "I can't do that!"

"Look, all I want is five minutes out of your week! All you have to do is tell your family you'll be back in five and just send me an e-mail, 'I'm thinking of you, this week is crazy busy! I'm well and I'll ttyl!' that's all I need!" - "I can't tell my family that!"
---

Yeah... those were some actual quotes. Possibly slightly adapted... but oh, so very actual. Pretty awesome, huh?

But by awesome, I mean "Dumb as driveway gravel."

Look, if a woman can swim the English-freaking-channel, you most certainly can tell a guy he's a freaking jerk because he only wants to make out with you and doesn't want to do anything that's important to you (i.e. go to church, read whatever scriptures are common to your religion, go on walks, sing, really anything that's important to you). Yeah, if the guy isn't willing to give more than he takes? Time to get rid of him. Don't be stupid, dear.

Here's one thing that pisses me off more than just about any stupid thing girls can do. I mean... I honestly can't stand to be in the company of girls like this because it offends every single one of my sensibilities.

Okay, that guy? He cheated on someone else? That's pretty bad. That guy cheated on you? Yeah, you pretty much shouldn't ever talk to him again. I'm all for repentance and forgiveness, but you don't have to be stupid! It's one thing if he expresses a desire to stay with you and he changes his behaviour. That's right, change. Because I tell you something, if he acts like he did before? If he isn't cheating already, he soon will be. Dump him like a hot tamale and find some guy who actually cares about you.

Seriously, I cannot tell you the phenomenal amount of stupidity that's involved in that kind of action. I mean... they don't want to change? At all? Even worse, they said they'd change and they haven't at all? My goodness woman! You need to get a refund on those brains because they're obviously defective!

Well, I don't know, maybe you're fulfilled when you're treated like an object. When you're not even second - you're last. All of you are last in his life. He's first and foremost. It really makes me sick. On both ends. I hate that guys like that exist, but I hate even more that you girls fall for them. Ugh!

Now... Here's the last thing I have... there may be many more ways that you may be stupid, the only way to not be too stupid is watch and be careful, lest ye become dumb as driveway gravel.

But the last thing... if you don't like something, or you wish we would do something different or better? Let us know! We aren't mind readers. But of course, don't expect us to go ahead and do it. A lot of times we will... or we'll make an effort. If it's something really serious... then yeah, you should hold us to it. Oh, and if you are gonna tell us something - please please please don't do it in front of anyone else.

A simple - "I don't feel like you treat me romantic enough" will suffice. We might change, or we might have a good reason that we do it how we do. And darling, there are some things that it really doesn't matter how it's done. If we fold our undies, or don't, the world won't end. Now, if we're interfering with your undawears, that's something different. But seriously... there are a lot of things that we've done this way forever. Just because your dad/mom/brother/uncle/twelfth cousin once removed/sister did it differently... doesn't mean we should do it that way.

I'm tired and I've probably rambled. Just don't be stupid. Is that really too much to ask? Is it?

Libraries, Love, Friendship, and Fun

First off, the Salt Lake City Public Library is one of the best I've ever been to. I think very seriously about moving/living in a huge city for that reason alone. I'm a library fiend!

Now, the rest of this post will be devoted to why I think MySpace is worse than it is good.


Now, some (or most, if the numbers don't lie) of you will disagree with me and say, "But MySpace is so wonderful! I have a great time on there talking to all those wonderful people! You're just mad because you only have (now, I have no idea what the number is, so I'll check... ahhhh) 18 firends!"

Well, yes and no. First of, I do have 18 friends, now let me go look through them so I can tell you how many of those I've talked to in the last month (that I can remember). Five. Five out of eighteen friends.

One of those I'm related to.

That's not very many. I will make a suggestion that the percentage of "friends" that everyone else has is a whole lot smaller. I would venture a guess that those who have friends in the hundreds contact friends in the single digits. If you take those five that I've talked to in the past month, and pull out the ones I've talked to in the past seven days, you have three people. Not very many, eh? And if you notice, the youngest "friend" of mine is (in reality) 16. She's related to me, my cousin.

Now, here's the counter argument to that - "But you have hundreds of people on your combined buddy lists! What's the difference??"

The difference is that I actually had to talk to them at one point. And if I choose not to tell them anything about me, they don't know anything. They don't know what I look like, they don't know where I live or anything else about me. They don't have to know my name, or my siblings or parents or anything, other than whatever we talk about.

Of course there are pros and cons to that, but nowhere near that of MS.

I suppose what it could boil down to is something that I inherently dislike to no end.

In the beginning of time (or maybe it's around when I was... I don't know, really... actually it probably was near the beginning of time for me), I had an inherent knowledge that everyone was people. When I began to enter into the fullness of mine age (read, puberty time, baby!), I began to notice girls, and unbeknownst to me, they noticed me as well. There was, however, a slight problem.

Forasmuch as I knew of their inherent worth as a daughter of Heavenly Father, and not merely an object for my physical gratification, I tended to treat them as such. Of course I have mine regrets about a certain number of population, but for the most part, I did rather good - especially when I was interested in them. Even more so when they had a low opinion of themselves. I suppose I took it to myself that it should be some good thing, if I were to make known unto them their true nature. And such I did.

When I talked to girls who were sad and lonely, who thought they had no worth, I could bring a ray of sunshine to their lives. And verily, I cared for them and who they were. It hurt me then, as it hurts me today, when I see guys treating their girls as objects to behold, rather than the being that they are.

Either the girls have not seen or they have not understood mine actions, for verily, they did all disdain me in favour of another. Most usually another sometime in the future. More specifically, I was worse than having nothing.

I'm not going to get into the me part of this, though it would be quite entertaining. No, instead I'll tell you about what the heck this has to do with MySpace.

MySpace is objectification at it's best. Or worse, whichever way that you look at it. I would be unsurprised if I was one out of the sea of millions who feels the same way I do. Perhaps there might be ten others... and I know there are some good groups on MySpace... but truly it's like having a healthy hand in a body that all major organs are clutched with cancer.

The objectification is thus that you are not a person to these... "friend collectors". You are a trading card. Your stats, photos, and videos, are what impresses them so much. Simply a video game to spend the time in between classes or whatever. You're not even a Pokeymans (yes I know that's not how it's spelled)! Heck, even Magic: The Gathering, is better than you on MS.

Why, exactly, is this? Because, Dear Reader, Pokemon and M:TG were designed for such a life. You were not. You are much more than that. Regardless of your religious belief (I can walk you through it in a philosophical sense, if you'd like. Give me a belief and some background, and I'll tell you how it works, unless you simply have a religious belief that you are nothing more than a trading card, in which case you're wrong, and you do know it.), you are much more than a trading card.

Those are my philosophical reasons to hate MS, but I do have one more reason. Two, really. Or rather it has a dual purpose, one philosophical, the other purely... well, I suppose to me it's mainly philosophical.

The layouts! My goodness! 99% of every MS page I see makes me want to create violent works of art with the author! In order to violate web sense, good design practice, humanity, and talent in such a manner requires first the sacrifice of millions of jews, help in the ethnic cleansing of Darfur and Kosovo, and the intentional destruction of a train full of dying babies!

The absolute inhumanity involved in the creation of these pages cannot be described with mere words! It's no wonder than so many people are depressed today! When I go to MS and see the sites people have "customized", I want to kill myself too! I wish for eyebleach almost every site I visit!

Seriously folks, that's some messed up "design".

But in all seriousness, I do believe that there are problems with it. I'd love to do a study to see if myspace really does make people feel depressed.

But I do know you're objectified. Really. Also, I know those guys who are your "friends" don't care about you at all, they just want to use your body.

I think that's what hurts me the most about anything is how blind, or uncaring, all these girls are. I care so much for all of these girls I know and I want their happiness. I don't want them to be used and objectified. If you happen to be a girl and reading this is (I bet all of you are, actually), I don't want YOU to be objectified.

So seriously... hate objectification, and avoid places that you are.

Please?

I have...

in the past few days, okay, just yesterday! But what I was goin to say is that I've learned a lot about pain. Lots and lots of pain. Well I suppose I haven't learned that much about it. Just that I had it. And it hurt. Pretty bad.

That's really it.

bleepity bleep bleep I'm sore!

anyhoo.

Pain... lots and lots of pain.

So... yesterday, now, I think I compressed my spine on the diving board at the pool. It hurt and was sore... but nothing worse than I've had. And then I went to sleep.

And then, about 12-12:30am, I woke up. In pain. Excruciating pain. Pain worse than I have ever had. Pain so bad that it hurt to sit where I was, and it hurt to move. It took me almost 10 or 15 minutes to be able to get out of bed. I couldn't turn on a side without being crippled by waves of pain washing over my body. I was indeed wracked, no matter how I turned. I finally figured that I could bend my legs okay, and so I shuffled down to the foot of my bed, and was able to sit up.

It was not easy and it wasn't very fun. Well, other than the learning new things kind of fun. The rest of my body and mind is telling me that I'm retarded for thinking such blasphemy. Well, I was able to sit and stand, though it took a lot of concentration. Then I was able to shuffle a tote I have in my closet, to reach the one beneath. Why did I need that, you ask? Inspiration struck and I realized I had a back brace (for lifting heavy things at work) and a belt for weight lifting - one of those huge leather jobbies. Well, I got those out and cinched them as tight as tight could be. That held off a lot of the pain, and I was able to sit up and eat some food and walk around.

But I'm completely unable to sleep. I can't lay down, but luckily we have a recliner type couch in the living room. But I can't get to sleep, so I decided I'd come and write about my pain, thinking that I might be tired as I end this.

But sadly, that's really not the case.

I'm in pain.

Eureka!

So... I believe I've figured it out.

What exactly, have I figured out? Well! What the difference/problem/etc/etc has been, is, will be, blah blah blah.

Also I had a peculiar dream where I made out with someone and her kisses tasted like chicken I think. Randomness, and very weird. *mutters things darkly about kissing*

Back on track - what I figured out - I have been searching for both a friend and someone to love/care about. But I wanted to build up the friendly bit first, because hey, who the heck screws over their friends? Well, apparently that's not the type of relationship anyone has been interested in. At least anyone I've been after.

So it's kinda neat to realize that. Mainly because I know the problem, so I know what it is I have to look for. Oh man, I also had a dream that J had a new pic on her xanga/blog... weird. That definitely was a dream, it's almost been a month (again) since she's written anything.

But yeah... during the YSA activity I talked to some girls... but you know, it really doesn't seem like anyone is interested in making friends. And that's really my problem, because I don't have any/that many. I mean really. Some people grow up, and they have friends that they hang out with, and they love their friend and are loved by their friends... Oh sure, they may not say anything to that effect, but the emotions and fulfillment are definitely there.

I've never really been like that. I've never really had any friends that I've hung out with. And I think I know why, but I'm not sure. When I was a young child (read 5 or 6ish?) a girl kissed me. And I fell in love with her. Honestly, I wanted to marry her. As I think back now - sure there was some lack of knowledge, but yeah, I pretty much wanted to marry her. Well she moved away, and long story short, now she's married to some other guy and never wants to talk to me. Ever again. Yeah, that hurts a lot, even still - I mean I really loved this girl. But my problem? I wanted to be her friend first, not the romance in her life.

But like I was saying, I don't really have any/many friends. Why do I say that? There are about three people I would consider my friends, but I rarely talk to them. It's been over a week (or two++) since I've talked to any of them. One... we don't always have much to talk about, which is sad, because she's a really cool person, and really intelligent... but we don't do a whole lot. The other one, we can usually converse (she's more religious than the first - that gives us a few more topics/lines of conversation). Then the last one is a guy, and we haven't really talked for over a month, so it's like whatever, ya know?

Then there are other people who could be considered friends, depending on your definition. But when I define friends, it's someone who helps you be your best. It's someone who inspires you to be better in some (or all) ways. It's someone who's there to listen to you, and there when you're in trouble, but they're also telling you how much they disprove of your actions. Not in an insensitive way (usually), but they do let you know "I love you, but I'm not going to watch you act so stupid. I know you're not stupid, so try acting your intelligence, por favor." More or less.

So there are a few other kids you could call friends, owing to some different circumstances, they're not able to be there. Which is kind of a pity, really.

But I don't have anyone that I could just go over and hang out with, or they'd just randomly pop over and visit. No one. There was one like that, but that dummerkopf had to go get himself killed last October. Jerkface.

So I've got no real friends, no one to hang out with, no one to just call on the phone and chat with... *sigh*

that's what I need but these dumb girls are looking for someone to be romantic with first. They don't understand that romance blossoms from the bed of friendship, not the other way around. I mean sure it might be possible, but I don't like doing things backwards like that...

meh... anyways, now it's time to eat breakfast, and go work on my freakin car.

later.

*sob*

So... as I was leaving to go to work, about a mile from my house... Ka-PLOOIE!

My car died :(

crushing all my hopes and dreams...

Expletive!

So... I finally got the transmission in the car.

But now the clutch doesn't... clutch enough.

Ehhhhh!

I think I'll cry. Goodnight.

Bleep, clang, CUT, grease, squash. Tired.

A transmission fell on me yesterday.

What, you may ask, was I doing under a transmission?

Simple - I was changing the pressure plate and clutch in my 1985 Toyota Tercel (that one looks better than mine.

Wednesday afternoon I started pulling parts off of my car (after jacking it and securing the wheels with chock blocks. Wednesday at 11:30pm we gave up and called it a night, got degreased (mostly)and went to bed. Thursday, 8:30 AM I went to work for Pure Cleaning. We went to a house on Kavanaugh Blvd, and tore off a bunch of ivy, cleaned some windows, and I got home around 7:30pm. Then at 9 we (my Dad and myself) went back under the car. The transmission is VERY greasy. Finally we got tired and gave up around 12:30am. I took a shower and fell asleep around 1:30am.

This morning my dad woke me up at 6:30 so we could leave to go to Toastmasters so I could use his truck to go to work. Because mine is on blocks, ya know? So this evening we'll (hopefully, prayerfully) finish putting my car back together and then we'll be going to T's band concert.

Then at 5:30am my parents have to be at the airport because they're going to Utah to see my nephew/their grandbaby. And we (T and myself) need to be at our church at 6 or 6:30am because we're going on a youth temple trip to the Memphis Temple.

It's going to be a long weekend.

I hope I don't die...