In the Intersection

You may wonder at the title. Well, this is Inside my mind, and the intersection just happens to be where all the thoughts collide. Or several and what-not.

Regardless.

I read the 7th Harry Potter book yesterday and holy cow! So good... I'm glad Harry isn't such a whiny bum anymore. The last few books he was all "Whine whine! I'm such a poor boy, nobody cares about me and Voldemort wants to kill me, but I don't want to learn to defend myself, whine whine whine!"

But in this book he grows up. I'm glad.

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In other news, I realized... well, re-realized? I don't know. Well, also I'm still just puzzling things out... but basically - the girls that I've been attracted to in times past have certain problems in their relationship with me, namely (in no particular order) these:

1)The guys they get interested in are jerks of the highest order. Manipulative, self-serving, womanizing... well just kinda scum.

2)I'm no better than these cads except for one way - I try to reign in said scummy behavior. It doesn't always work and sometimes I'm a jerk. But foremost in my mind is one desire which I like to think is above most other guys I've met. Well it's sort of a dual desire, companions if you will.

3)The me part is first: I have a desire to be the most important (after God, of course) person in their lives. I want to be their best friend ever. That's not to say I want to replace other friends they have and exclude them from their lives... but in a certain respect, I do. Ohhhh, yes, there's that... um I guess it'll be four or five. I'll mention it by saying "This is the 'that' that I was talking about in three." But the me part wants to be most important and wanted in their life. I think a lot of that has to do with (sympathy vote here) not having any REAL friends. I mean I have friends and people I'm friendly with, but I've never really had anyone who's been a friend to me for any great length of time. Five years, tops, I believe. I've known a lot of people for longer than that, but there's no one I could consider a friend who's been there for that long. And the people I'm "friends" with, I'm only... shall we say - conditional friends. Specifically, under certain conditions do our society entwine. Like for instance - there are plenty of people I can interact with in a friendly sort of way online, or at work, or at school, or watching TV/movies...

But I don't have someone who wants to do everything together, i.e. watch some movies together, then the next day go play in the woods shooting bb/pellet/real guns, then the next day make something, like a birdhouse or something, then the next day debate some random point, and then the next we cook some food.

Also that person inspires me to be the best Me I can be.

But I don't have anyone like that, and I wish I did. Dang this one was long.

4) I'm not looking for a casual relationship, like most guys. I don't begin a relationship with a girl because I think it'd be fun or I want some physical lovin'. See, I know what the whole (okay, I don't know 100%, of everything, but I'm pretty sure I have a good grasp) point of relationships are.

Random interjection - I only have hair on my 2nd knuckle on my ring fingers. Weird.

But back on track, I really don't know what the heck the majority of guys & dolls think a relationship is for. I guess they feel some type of hole inside them and believe that perhaps a relationship is a way to fix it. And then they get all touchy-feely, because they find that being "together" doesn't plug the hole for long. Well the little touchy-feely they get into doesn't fill that hole either. So they begin to try more and more to plug up that hole. But the problem is they don't know what it is they're doing, and they get into trouble, because pretty soon they feel that something is amiss and they don't know what went wrong. So maybe this relationship isn't working out because gosh darn it, that hole didn't stay plugged! So there must be something wrong with you, so I'm gonna go find someone else, thank-you-very-much.

Surprise surprise, that guy (or girl) doesn't win either.

So let's examine where we are, shall we?

We're "going out". Now we're making out. Now we have a falling out. And now we're doing it all over again. Hmm... sounds pretty stupid to me. It didn't work the first time, rather than change the actions, we did the same thing trying for different results.

I can't tell you what a stupid idea that one is.

5) This is the "that" that I was talking about in three. It's a lot like four, but it describes what I'm looking for instead of what I ain't.

A cup of water right now... but that will change in a minute. Mmm, much better!

So here's the low down. When I first meet a girl, of course I notice if she's physically attractive to me. When I say that, what do I mean? Face first, especially the smile. That's pretty much how I judge character is by their face and their smile. You'd be surprised at what you can learn about someone by their smile. You can tell pretty much every emotion by their smile. Are they happy? Are they kind? Are they sick and twisted? Are they gentle? Are they angry? Are they stupid? Are they manipulative? And more, if you just know how to read a smile. The eyes, too.

But sometimes they can hide who they are behind what they think they are. So I don't give right up on them. Then I start to talk to them. I've noticed lately... girls don't talk anymore. I don't know if it's their ages, or maybe I've gotten older and scary, or perhaps I've stopped being so compassionate and that shows in my face. But I really hate talking about myself because I'm so awkward at it.

I love that word. Awkward. It just looks so awkward!

But back to me. I found I tend to ramble on because when girls ask, "So what do you like to do?" And I say, "Everything." They respond with an awkward silence. They used to actually talk, but it's been a while, and I'm not sure why. It seems to me like such an effort to get people to talk about themselves...

But when it seems that they have an interesting personality (I haven't found any of those lately either...), I want to get to know them better, so I like to DO things. Like play a game or watch a movie or dance or sing or ANYTHING. To talk about who we are and where we're going. Read together. Make and eat food.

And then when I feel that I know her well enough, and we've talked about things like that before, I very well likely would ask her to marry me.

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Not so random thought, but I'm just curious if there are any girls out there, between the ages of 18-30 who didn't want (not to say there was no physical desire, but their will overcame said desires. I've had the desire to put a grenade in someone's mouth, but I doubt that means it's appropriate...) to kiss, and didn't kiss before they were married.

That is my one real regret about my last relationship. That I kissed her. Oh, it was fun enough - and she said she enjoyed it... eh... why bother trying to explain it? I don't think anyone I've ever talked to has understood, or even wanted to. They simply wanted to justify their own tonsil hockey.

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There's another view I have about the physical side to a relationship. Once you're married, that's a different ball game. But to me, prior to marriage, physical contact should be kept to a certain arena, namely holding hands, hugging, and possibly some cuddling thrown in for good measure. But really, that's where I had, and again do draw the line. Of course, for me it's really academic at this point, because I really don't have anyone who's developed to the point where I'd have a desire to even date them.

AHhhh... there we go, now I'm gonna get started on THAT crap.

I hate, with a passion, the term and idea behind "going out". I've hated it since I heard of it, and it's never made sense to me. Most people I've met who "go out", have never been on one single date! And I've known people who have "gone out" for months without actually dating! GAH! Stupid stupid stupid stupid!

That's like trying to build a car with a screwdriver! Look, I can barely form a coherent thought because I upset myself with this junk so much.

These are my views:

The point of dating is to get married, the point of getting married is to have and raise children. The point of physical expressions of love (kissing, etc) is because when expressed in the proper way (after you're married for one!) then it is the ultimate expression of pure love their is.

But just like anything - the greater capacity for good, the greater capacity for bad. If you misuse those forms of communication it can lead to all sorts of unwholesomeness. Which is why I prefer to keep the physical stuff to a minimum.

But seriously - I can't say "would you like to go on a date with me this friday?" "What do you have in mind?" "Well, I'd pick you up at 6PM, and we'll go climb pinnacle mountain with a picnic dinner, and at the top we'll eat, talk, and watch the sun go down, and I'll have you home by 10:30PM. How's that sound?" "Great! I love to hike! I'll see you at 6!" "Awesome, I'll see you then! Remember to bring some water!"

And there you go... we'd probably have some fun, and certainly some good food (after all, I made it!) and see a beautiful sunset. But noooooo. All you can do nowadays is "go out". What kind of ridiculous tripe is that? It's really just an excuse to make out, I'm pretty sure... ehhh... whatever. I'm tired of harping about that junk.

Also, religious beliefs are extremely important in a relationship... and so it's a great idea to make sure (you know, when you're dating, or really going out, not just "going out") that you have an agreement on that, because your relationship with your God should be more important than with your spouse.

Why do I say that? Because IMHO, any good religion, their god will tell you that getting married is a great idea, and tells us rather lazy guys how we ought to treat our women, and that we should treat them really well.

Well... I suppose I'm done rambling by now. Though as it looks to me this has been a little more like a random hike across the countryside than a little ramble!

Oh yeah, and personally I also don't feel like I'm ready for marriage yet. I was, once upon a time. But I'm not right now. I have school to get through, and money to earn before I'm even financially in a place where I could even get married - even to rent a teeny shack in someone's back yard would be kinda a problem ATM...

To life!