Random thoughts...

Okay, well now that I think about it, it's not so random... well yes, but never mind. I'm confusing the heck out of me, and I know what I'm talking about!

So... I realized something, the other day...

I'm somewhat of... well I don't know what sort of mythological creature turns icky at night. But that's what I am. Or rather, that's how I am at the moment.

But after 8PM, in proximity to females... I just get selfish desires and urges. Or more specifically any of my selfless desires and urges go right out the window. Specifics are really none of your business.

But I see them as objects. It's hard to see them as people and humans. Only things to be used for my personal gratification.

It's behavior and thoughts that I'm trying to fix... mainly by going to bed early. I can usually avoid the worst of it by being asleep earlier.


OOooooohhh... I just remembered something else!

I am willing to allow you room to make your choices, regardless of how I feel.

Specifically, I will probably tell you how I feel and then let you go your way.

To explain... I had a girl that I had a more than friends relationship with. She thought that it was not worth 5 minutes a month for her to e-mail me. You'd be surprised at what you could write in 5 minutes. I think totally this paragraph has taken me 30 seconds. With a few stops in there to think. Maybe a minute. So five of these a month was too much for her.

I told her that I felt neglected and ignored. Oh yes, and my birthday was in that month.

I don't remember exactly how she felt or what she told me, other than she couldn't ignore her family/school/everything else. For five minutes a week. Heck, I would've been fine with five minutes a month, and I told her as much.

And she told me that she wasn't willing to give me that much. And I told her how I felt about that, and that she could have a nice life, and I'd be where I am whenever she decided she wanted to be a friend and apologize... I can't remember exactly what she did, other than ignore me, but I'm sure there was something because I'm not usually that heartless. Or it could have been that she simply ignored me - our friendship wasn't even worth 5 minutes out of her life.

And we parted our ways.

I suppose I'm different than other people, in that I can lock up my love for someone, and then let it back out at my will and pleasure. And so when someone decides they want to leave my life... I am able to lock up my love for them and store it in a cool, dry place, until they decide to return.

I try to make it clear, as well... that there are certain people and behavior that I simply do not tolerate.

There are certain guys who are "guys guys" - meaning, it's fine for me to hang around with them. Because I'm not an object of their lust/affection.

I won't tolerate girls I care about allowing them to be objects of their "affection". If you are a girl, and you are... I will probably avoid you. Why? Because he will hurt/use/abuse you, and I told you so. And I don't want to be there when he does. Why? Because I don't like to see you hurting, which is why I expressed disapproval for him in the first place. And I really don't want to be the one there when he breaks your heart and you say, "But I loved him so much! Whine whine whine!"

Obviously he didn't love you, and I told you that from the beginning. Why did you even bother? Did you think you could change him? Or that you're so irresistible that he wouldn't cheat on you, too? Let's be honest - no one is that good.

Now once you decide that you're going to get into a relationship like that... my respect level for you will drop like a stone. Perhaps it's addictive behavior... but c'mon, that's some seriously f-ed up stuff. That's like snorting cocaine and shooting up with a heroin chaser, followed up by a good stiff shot of morphine. And while you're waiting for those to kick in, snorting up a months worth of powdered ritalin.

Yeah, severely stupid. Actually I'm pretty sure drugs would be harder to kick... so it'd be like starting off your drug use with those.

So yeah... I really don't like that.

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Another thing I do is pretend that relationship actually mean something. If you're in a relationship with someone, I don't care if it's the above abusive moron. I will completely stop expressing any affection for you more than a friendship.

Why would I do that? Simple - I take relationships seriously. If you consider yourself in one, I'm not going to try and get you out of that. Because I care about your happiness, and if you think you're gonna be happy with the moron mentioned above... or any other guy, good or bad... I'm not going to stand in your way. I want you to be happy, and I figure you know yourself a lot better than me.

Plus I don't want to rain on your parade. So I keep out of your way, and let you do your thing.

Of course, the selfish aspect is I would rather not be hurt when you choose his company over mine, so I lock my heart up in a little box where you can't get it.

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I don't know if all this is a good thing or a bad thing, or if it just is. For certain is that it is. I suppose that's enough for now...