Boys...

and why they're stupid.

Girls, I hate to burst your collective bubble, but guys are complete dum dum heads. Jerks, dummerkopfs, SO*ahems*... the list could go on for many more words than I care to write.

Now to catalog the ways and reasons guys are stupid. Now, if you get down to it, I believe a lot of what people do stems from a good desire. The problem is, from that desire to action it goes through so many horrible mistranslations that when it finally comes out, instead of "I love you, dear", it comes out "Go soak your head, tramp!"

Well, when you get down to it, I could say there are two types of actions - selfish and selfless.

Guys are mostly selfish, but we get a lot more joy out of life when we're selfless.

Okay, so there was tons of rambling while I tried to get my bearings (largely that's what I do, if you hadn't noticed. You should've seen me writing one of my papers. BLARGH! That was horrid how much I had to throw out!).

So here goes.

I believe that us menfolk have been designed as such that we have a desire to take care of girls, make babies, and raise a family. Now, this is something I've more or less believed since the beginning of time.

I'm really not sure what guys believe, but if I look around, my guess would be they believe the TV. Which tells them that womens feel nice and purty and that womens are only good for being used cause we're so much better us big guys.

Dummerkopfs, like I said.

So, for the most part, that's how guys treat their women. The main goal is to "conquest" as much territory as we can. Surely you didn't think it was just a cute nickname that we "got to second base", did you? Underlying the stupid actions and desires there's a real urge, but for the most part it's repressed. Real Men don't have families. Real Men are like James Bond, sleeping with the enemy, and then killing her later with no remorse. Freak Yes!

Too bad that doesn't bring happiness. So it must have been the wrong girl, right?

Er... well, no, not exactly. Actually, nothing could be farther from the truth. Fellers, if you believe that, you're dumber than a sack of rocks and I have some wonderful oceanfront property in Arkansas to sell you...

So guys see women as a conquest. What else do they do?

Well, not only are YOU a conquest, but if they can get other women at the same time? Oh man, now HE's a man!

That's the theory anyway. It appears rather popular, from what I've seen. I think it's the dumbest thing since cigarettes, but hey, what do I know? I've never had sex or made out with 16 different women! Heck, I've only "made out" once, something that I truly regret. That I have at all. Mainly because I was being retarded, in that I believed her when she said she loved me.

Here's a tip for all those guys... if she ever tells you she loves you, and then at a later date she tells you that sometime between then and now she's made out with a bunch of guys and she wants your forgiveness... forgive her and then let her go. Either that or keep yourself when she's around, because honestly, the only thing she's going to do to you is break you down.

But yes, back to the dumb things we do... okay so those types of guys I told you about just now? The ones who are actively using you... those are the guys to drop like a hot tamale. Get rid of them fast!

But there's another type of guys who make dumb mistakes. But we do it out of sincere stupidity and love for you. We think it's the right and best thing to do for you. We may seem like it's about us, but it's really about you.

But how can you tell the difference? Is it for us guys or for you? Would you like to know? It's really rather simple.

If a guy wants something physical, it's for him. Period. It doesn't matter if you ask or throw yourself at him or anything. It's for him. And if he gives into you when he really doesn't want to, it's not any good for him.

Once you're married, things are slightly different. But if a guy wants anything physical, it's for himself.

If I wanna hold your hand? Yeah, that's for me. Cuddle? Yeah, that's for me. Hug? For me. Kiss? For me. Anything else? Yeah, that's for me too. Sure, you can enjoy it too... but it's really for me. Once you're married, however, things are completely different.

Now, we are physical beings, and we need physical contact to feel whole and complete (if you wanted to do some research, there are orphanages in other countries where they have so many babies and no one to hold them, and the kids - otherwise healthy - just give up and die. We need physical contact, fact of life). This physical contact, though, should be proportionate to our relationship. Acquaintances? Handshakes are good. Friends? Hugs are great. Been dating for a while or good friends? Holding hands, or an arm around the shoulder/waist is fine. Been seriously dating? Cuddle a bit, and maybe a chaste kiss goodnight. Don't know what a chaste kiss is? I'll give you a hint - if you could kiss your mother/sister/brother/father like that, it's OK.

Once you're married... well that's when you get to have all the physical fun. You've got a good 20-40 years of that ahead of you. Seriously, you won't miss out on anything.

So, what is a girl to do? I mean, you probably want some lovin' action, too.

Well, if you want to be in a good, healthy, enduring relationship... stick to my guidelines above. And if the guy wants more, STAY FIRM! Tell him NO, you do NOT do that. If you stick to your guns, you'll be able to separate the guys you want to be around with those you don't want to be around without a taser.

If the guy continues to press it after you've told him no? Get rid of him as fast as you can. Unless you'd like to be an object in an abusive relationship. If that's your idea of fulfillment... go right ahead, I'm not going to stop you. I will, however, stop talking to you. I try not to keep company with people who drag me down, and darling, if that's what you like, you're not the company I want to be with.

If, on the other hand, this guy says "Oh, okay," and gives it up? Now that's a guy you want to keep. Holy cow do you want him around! Of course, that's assuming he isn't getting a little on the side, but you should know about that one. But if he's faithful to you and is fine with those guidelines up there? Yeah, that guy is good as gold. He may do some dumb things, but he's a good one.

The sad thing is that most of the guys you know are boneheads. Truly. I've been guilty of it myself, but those events are really none of your business.

But if you go after the kinda guys I mentioned... well, you'll increase the quality of guys. It's the whole supply and demand - you girls are in demand, you have the commodity. Now, if you remain aloof and don't respond at all to our attentions... well, you'll be an old maid and you deserve it, jerk. You wouldn't believe the power you girls have over us guys, if you just know how to use it.

I'll talk a little bit about that tomorrow.

Please, get rid of the jerks. Go after some good guys instead.