Friday, July 27, 2007

Pain Pain Pain....

So... it turns out that I'm burnt WAY worse than I thought was humanly possible. Awesome. Oh wait, no, sucks bad. My shoulders and face are freaking radishes. I wish I would've worn my shirt... sucksitude.

Last night I woke up about a billion times, not so much in pain, although I was hungry as nobodies business. During that time, I came up with somewhat of a realization... Or rather, a topic I could write about. And so, without further ado, I give you...

Discourse on Physical Contact

Someone once told me that it's better to engage in some intimate contact before marriage, up to a point. Her reasoning was that it's better to expose yourself, so that you're better able to resist engaging in further intimate actions when you get older. In the words of Dr. Goddard, there's only one thing wrong with that. It's completely false.

Now, you may want to argue that point and say, "Oh no, that's totally true - see, I make out with people all the time, and because of that, if I don't want to make out with someone I don't have to. And I also draw the line at anything more than that, so there's really never a problem."

That sure would be nice if it's true, but it's not. To give you sort of an example - Let's say you're climbing a mountain, and you come across a ledge that's about four feet wide. On the left side is a sheer cliff, climbing hundreds of feet. On the right is a drop off that drops down 100 feet or more. Where is the safest spot to be?

Well, let's label these areas, shall we? At the leftmost, basically sidling along the wall, that's complete sexual/physical abstinence. The dropping off the cliff would really depend on what view you take of physical relations. But for my intents and purposes, I'll say it's going all the way. Hanging off the cliff with only two fingers would be heavy petting, or as they seem to call it now "manual stimulation". Regardless.

Making out is walking along about six inches from the edge. If you're cuddling with your feet off the ground, that's about a foot from the edge. With your feet on the ground is a foot and a half. If you only hug and kiss like you would a father/brother/sister/mother, then that's walking about six inches away from the wall. If you hold hands and hug, that's about a foot and a half away.

That was quite the jumble, so lets take this in a nice list form.

  • Sidling along the wall is no physical contact other than perhaps the occasional hug and handshakes

  • Three and a half feet from the edge is hugs/kisses like you would mother/father/sister/brother

  • Three feet is holding hands and hugging in addition to the above.

  • Between Three and two feet adds kissing with your lips closed, but not in a mother/father/brother/sister type way to the above, depending on duration, etc.

  • One and a half feet from the edge includes cuddling with your feet on the floor

  • One foot away is taking your feet off the ground, but still sitting up

  • Six inches from the edge is making out in addition to the above

  • Walking along the edge with your feet half off is cuddling lying down, in addition to the above

  • Hanging off by one or two fingers is petting, in addition to the above

  • Falling off is anything more than the above

So that's the list. Now, you can't tell me that you're less likely to fall off the cliff if you're walking along the edge, than if you were three feet away from it.

At least not retaining respect in my eyes. It's rather a nonsensical idea. If you want to be safe, you stay away from the cliff, you don't walk close by. The same thing is with physical relations - you don't stay safe by doing MORE things, you stay safe by doing less. How do I know this? Experience.

Now before I tell you about what a good teacher experience is, I will tell you of a possibility. There may be some people for whom these rules are altered. Some may be worse, some may be less. But as a rule of thumb, those are pretty much the guidelines. Actually I don't know of anyone who is really excused from those, and I really do think they're rather conservative.

So experience. Before I was 16, I had never kissed a girl at all. When I first kissed a girl, I had broken the barrier, so to speak. I had kissed before, I could do it again. And ultimately would. But they were fairly innocent and rather chaste kisses. A quick peck on the lips, as it were. Later, I kissed another girl on the cheek. With each kiss it was easier and easier. But I really didn't do more than that. One girl I cuddled with, once or twice... but that was really it.

Now, I don't know if it's different to you, but I'd like to think this is more or less the right way to express affection physically - specifically, when you can no longer tell her (or him) in words, just how much you love them. And so you resort to a kiss. A much more base expression of love, but when expressed in that way, a much higher form. But in that way it's also more sacred.

Well, this girl I thought I was going to marry - I loved her (at least I think I did... love is such a weird concept anyways). A lot. And I desired her as well, and I expressed that in a kiss... and then another, and then a few more. And later, before she had to leave, the kisses I gave evolved into some full fledged snogging. I tried to express how I felt for her in that way. I really don't know if she felt it (since she dumped me later on, I know she obviously didn't feel the same way I did).

Well, that was great and all, except for one thing. Now I feel the desire to play tonsil hockey. I really don't have a desire to feel the way I felt with her, I just want the physical sensations.

That's really my one regret in that relationship, is that I kissed her.

Because now that desire is awake, and it wants to be fed. I do my best to keep from feeding said desire, because I know that all that will happen is I'll go one step closer to the edge. Or a giant leap. And I don't really want that. So I keep busy with school, work, and expanding my base of knowledge. And trying to become more compassionate. That's one thing that I've noticed as well. When I succumb to those desires in a manner that really probably isn't appropriate (such as making out before I'm married), then the baser desires and egocentric actions are brought to the forefront, and the ectocentric desires are repulsed.

And it's been a learning experience that I really didn't want and has been rather lame. I wish with all my heart that I never kissed her. But I have, and there's nothing I can do to go back and change that. So I have to live with the consequences and try to regain those good bits that I've had in the past.

But you know what the worst thing is? Intellectually, this guide makes sense. And I remember when I felt how right and good it was. But now... I'm really confused. I don't know it any more. People, even those I respect, seem to have different ideals than I do. Which, needless to say, confuses the heck out of me.

I don't really know what to think about that kinda stuff anymore, so I really just try to... well, keep to myself, really. I haven't really tried to hang out with friends, or meet new people, or develop relationships, or anything.

It also used to be that I had what you could call a "default-allow" policy. I would allow people (girls) deep into my life and emotions. I would trust them until they gave me reason not to. But now I've changed to a "default-deny" policy. I keep people out. I'm suspicious of every girl (yes, you included. Sorry to say it, but it's true. Okay, that's a lie, I'm really not sorry at all, I'd rather be safe. I'm sorry if you feel bad because of that, but more in a third-person-no-responsibility-claimed sort of way.)

It seems that I start every day suspicious. For the most part. Or preparing for the worst or whatever. I mean I kinda trust you... but rather than believe the very best, I tend to be a little more suspicious, I think. Like I said, default deny. All because of a kiss.

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