My Introversion and Relationships...

I do believe I've come to a realization about myself... or an understanding. Something of that nature.

Regardless...

The other day as I was reading that article on introverts, not only did I realize I'm somewhat of an introvert, but I also realized something else. I've never been terribly interested in being the center of attention. Ever. As a matter of fact, I'm usually fairly uncomfortable when any attention is thrown my way. Unless of course I'm on the stage. Then I want my due attention and all that good stuff.

But in person I'm often reserved, some might say aloof or standoffish. Which are both also probably true.

When I'm with people that I've gotten to know, I feel fairly comfortable speaking to them and having a good time. But I still prefer to listen and observe. I'm rarely uncomfortable with silence, unless it's with people that I don't know. But I do quite enjoy just being comfortable with someone, listening to them. In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman calls the personalities a "babbling brook" and a "dead sea". I'm the dead sea - calm and really no need to make waves. I prefer to just listen to the babbling brooks babble. It's rather comforting to me. Heck, I even fall asleep listening to people I care about because it's so comforting.

The other part of my realization was more about relationships.

A lot of people seem to have this thought about marriage and what-not, that basically says, "Oh when I'm in a good relationship, it'll make me so happy! I just can't wait!" - as though the very act of being in a relationship determines whether or not they're happy. But if they're not happy, then the relationship must be a bad one. It really has nothing to do with them or their ignorance or intelligence. Or their desires or their actions.

It just seems to me that the whole goal is the relationship or marriage, and if anything only very little to do with their partner. I've never been that way. Marriage has simply been an extension, or a name, really, to describe what the relationship was. I've never cared for the labels to put on relationships for that reason - it seemed that people were so worried about the name, rather than the event... or process, really. Relationships aren't events, but processes. Forever processes, really.

But in my mind, I always could see that I was married to some wonderful girl who loved the outdoors, working with her hands, working with her mind, learning new things, having adventures with me... all of those great things.

I'm reminded, for instance, of my brother and his wife. They are both taking a japanese course (that's what he gave her for her last birthday). They bought a beginners electronic experiment kit, and then she watched him fix the garage door opener.

Throw in some outdoor adventures - going hiking and all that good stuff, and you pretty much have a small picture of the kind of vision I have.

I think the problem in all my relationships have been that I've wanted so much for them to be the awesome person I wanted them to be that I acted as if they were. And they were just the boring people that I really don't enjoy doing things with.

For instance. I love to swim, it's great fun. Too deep for too long and I can't touch and get tired and that's no fun. But standing in the shin-deep water is really not fun at all. If you have someone to play with it's not bad, but it gets old after a while.

I couldn't live with someone like that. I don't want to marry someone that I can predict everything she'll do... that's BORING. I like some stability... but too much gets old fast.

Well I have class, that's not all I could talk about but that's all for now.

Tired...

Oh so tired... I had a great post in mind about something or another... and I seem to have forgotten what it was :P

I know I had my post about love/relationships... that's coming soon...

Oh well, I've gotta get crackin for school.

Later!

Do you love me?

While I'm here waiting in line at the financial aid, I'll be blogging...

"Do you love me?"
"Do I WHAT?!"
-Tevye and Golde, from Fiddler on the Roof

A legitimate and fairly just question, one would suppose. And one that often arises in various relationships. And just so everyone knows... When I speak of love, I mean it in a rather specific way.

Do you inspire me to be better? Do you trust me? Do you want me to be an integral part of your life? Not just someone you associate with and know, but someone you rely on. Am I someone who would severely impact your life for the worse if I left it?

When I do things that you don't understand, do you strive to understand the why behind the action? Or do you judge me right away?

When I do dumb things, or feel bad about something I've done, do you encourage me to do better and try harder? Or do you tell me that I'm scum and horrible and gee I never should have done that to you/someone/myself.

Do you want our relationship to be stronger? What would you do to develop that relationship?

Do you want to be part of my life?

Are you willing to still be a part of my life, even when I'm doing stupid things? Not to say that you take part part in that stupidity, but that you understand that everyone makes different choices, mistakes even. Do you tell me that while you understand I have agency, you're also making the choice that while I'm doing dumb things, you won't be in my life for those parts, only when I'm trying to do things acceptable to me? That phrase might be a little confusing... but just kinda think about it I guess...

Do you want to do things that I enjoy, and learn my hobbies and interests? Do you learn about things like that on your own time, so when we're together I don't have to teach you, but we can do some of the same things?

There are more things... but they're not on my mind right now... but this is a good starter list.

Do you love me?

Boys...

and why they're stupid.

Girls, I hate to burst your collective bubble, but guys are complete dum dum heads. Jerks, dummerkopfs, SO*ahems*... the list could go on for many more words than I care to write.

Now to catalog the ways and reasons guys are stupid. Now, if you get down to it, I believe a lot of what people do stems from a good desire. The problem is, from that desire to action it goes through so many horrible mistranslations that when it finally comes out, instead of "I love you, dear", it comes out "Go soak your head, tramp!"

Well, when you get down to it, I could say there are two types of actions - selfish and selfless.

Guys are mostly selfish, but we get a lot more joy out of life when we're selfless.

Okay, so there was tons of rambling while I tried to get my bearings (largely that's what I do, if you hadn't noticed. You should've seen me writing one of my papers. BLARGH! That was horrid how much I had to throw out!).

So here goes.

I believe that us menfolk have been designed as such that we have a desire to take care of girls, make babies, and raise a family. Now, this is something I've more or less believed since the beginning of time.

I'm really not sure what guys believe, but if I look around, my guess would be they believe the TV. Which tells them that womens feel nice and purty and that womens are only good for being used cause we're so much better us big guys.

Dummerkopfs, like I said.

So, for the most part, that's how guys treat their women. The main goal is to "conquest" as much territory as we can. Surely you didn't think it was just a cute nickname that we "got to second base", did you? Underlying the stupid actions and desires there's a real urge, but for the most part it's repressed. Real Men don't have families. Real Men are like James Bond, sleeping with the enemy, and then killing her later with no remorse. Freak Yes!

Too bad that doesn't bring happiness. So it must have been the wrong girl, right?

Er... well, no, not exactly. Actually, nothing could be farther from the truth. Fellers, if you believe that, you're dumber than a sack of rocks and I have some wonderful oceanfront property in Arkansas to sell you...

So guys see women as a conquest. What else do they do?

Well, not only are YOU a conquest, but if they can get other women at the same time? Oh man, now HE's a man!

That's the theory anyway. It appears rather popular, from what I've seen. I think it's the dumbest thing since cigarettes, but hey, what do I know? I've never had sex or made out with 16 different women! Heck, I've only "made out" once, something that I truly regret. That I have at all. Mainly because I was being retarded, in that I believed her when she said she loved me.

Here's a tip for all those guys... if she ever tells you she loves you, and then at a later date she tells you that sometime between then and now she's made out with a bunch of guys and she wants your forgiveness... forgive her and then let her go. Either that or keep yourself when she's around, because honestly, the only thing she's going to do to you is break you down.

But yes, back to the dumb things we do... okay so those types of guys I told you about just now? The ones who are actively using you... those are the guys to drop like a hot tamale. Get rid of them fast!

But there's another type of guys who make dumb mistakes. But we do it out of sincere stupidity and love for you. We think it's the right and best thing to do for you. We may seem like it's about us, but it's really about you.

But how can you tell the difference? Is it for us guys or for you? Would you like to know? It's really rather simple.

If a guy wants something physical, it's for him. Period. It doesn't matter if you ask or throw yourself at him or anything. It's for him. And if he gives into you when he really doesn't want to, it's not any good for him.

Once you're married, things are slightly different. But if a guy wants anything physical, it's for himself.

If I wanna hold your hand? Yeah, that's for me. Cuddle? Yeah, that's for me. Hug? For me. Kiss? For me. Anything else? Yeah, that's for me too. Sure, you can enjoy it too... but it's really for me. Once you're married, however, things are completely different.

Now, we are physical beings, and we need physical contact to feel whole and complete (if you wanted to do some research, there are orphanages in other countries where they have so many babies and no one to hold them, and the kids - otherwise healthy - just give up and die. We need physical contact, fact of life). This physical contact, though, should be proportionate to our relationship. Acquaintances? Handshakes are good. Friends? Hugs are great. Been dating for a while or good friends? Holding hands, or an arm around the shoulder/waist is fine. Been seriously dating? Cuddle a bit, and maybe a chaste kiss goodnight. Don't know what a chaste kiss is? I'll give you a hint - if you could kiss your mother/sister/brother/father like that, it's OK.

Once you're married... well that's when you get to have all the physical fun. You've got a good 20-40 years of that ahead of you. Seriously, you won't miss out on anything.

So, what is a girl to do? I mean, you probably want some lovin' action, too.

Well, if you want to be in a good, healthy, enduring relationship... stick to my guidelines above. And if the guy wants more, STAY FIRM! Tell him NO, you do NOT do that. If you stick to your guns, you'll be able to separate the guys you want to be around with those you don't want to be around without a taser.

If the guy continues to press it after you've told him no? Get rid of him as fast as you can. Unless you'd like to be an object in an abusive relationship. If that's your idea of fulfillment... go right ahead, I'm not going to stop you. I will, however, stop talking to you. I try not to keep company with people who drag me down, and darling, if that's what you like, you're not the company I want to be with.

If, on the other hand, this guy says "Oh, okay," and gives it up? Now that's a guy you want to keep. Holy cow do you want him around! Of course, that's assuming he isn't getting a little on the side, but you should know about that one. But if he's faithful to you and is fine with those guidelines up there? Yeah, that guy is good as gold. He may do some dumb things, but he's a good one.

The sad thing is that most of the guys you know are boneheads. Truly. I've been guilty of it myself, but those events are really none of your business.

But if you go after the kinda guys I mentioned... well, you'll increase the quality of guys. It's the whole supply and demand - you girls are in demand, you have the commodity. Now, if you remain aloof and don't respond at all to our attentions... well, you'll be an old maid and you deserve it, jerk. You wouldn't believe the power you girls have over us guys, if you just know how to use it.

I'll talk a little bit about that tomorrow.

Please, get rid of the jerks. Go after some good guys instead.

Pain Pain Pain....

So... it turns out that I'm burnt WAY worse than I thought was humanly possible. Awesome. Oh wait, no, sucks bad. My shoulders and face are freaking radishes. I wish I would've worn my shirt... sucksitude.


Last night I woke up about a billion times, not so much in pain, although I was hungry as nobodies business. During that time, I came up with somewhat of a realization... Or rather, a topic I could write about. And so, without further ado, I give you...

Discourse on Physical Contact

Someone once told me that it's better to engage in some intimate contact before marriage, up to a point. Her reasoning was that it's better to expose yourself, so that you're better able to resist engaging in further intimate actions when you get older. In the words of Dr. Goddard, there's only one thing wrong with that. It's completely false.

Now, you may want to argue that point and say, "Oh no, that's totally true - see, I make out with people all the time, and because of that, if I don't want to make out with someone I don't have to. And I also draw the line at anything more than that, so there's really never a problem."

That sure would be nice if it's true, but it's not. To give you sort of an example - Let's say you're climbing a mountain, and you come across a ledge that's about four feet wide. On the left side is a sheer cliff, climbing hundreds of feet. On the right is a drop off that drops down 100 feet or more. Where is the safest spot to be?

Well, let's label these areas, shall we? At the leftmost, basically sidling along the wall, that's complete sexual/physical abstinence. The dropping off the cliff would really depend on what view you take of physical relations. But for my intents and purposes, I'll say it's going all the way. Hanging off the cliff with only two fingers would be heavy petting, or as they seem to call it now "manual stimulation". Regardless.

Making out is walking along about six inches from the edge. If you're cuddling with your feet off the ground, that's about a foot from the edge. With your feet on the ground is a foot and a half. If you only hug and kiss like you would a father/brother/sister/mother, then that's walking about six inches away from the wall. If you hold hands and hug, that's about a foot and a half away.

That was quite the jumble, so lets take this in a nice list form.

• Sidling along the wall is no physical contact other than perhaps the occasional hug and handshakes


• Three and a half feet from the edge is hugs/kisses like you would mother/father/sister/brother


• Three feet is holding hands and hugging in addition to the above.


• Between Three and two feet adds kissing with your lips closed, but not in a mother/father/brother/sister type way to the above, depending on duration, etc.


• One and a half feet from the edge includes cuddling with your feet on the floor


• One foot away is taking your feet off the ground, but still sitting up


• Six inches from the edge is making out in addition to the above


• Walking along the edge with your feet half off is cuddling lying down, in addition to the above


• Hanging off by one or two fingers is petting, in addition to the above


• Falling off is anything more than the above

So that's the list. Now, you can't tell me that you're less likely to fall off the cliff if you're walking along the edge, than if you were three feet away from it.

At least not retaining respect in my eyes. It's rather a nonsensical idea. If you want to be safe, you stay away from the cliff, you don't walk close by. The same thing is with physical relations - you don't stay safe by doing MORE things, you stay safe by doing less. How do I know this? Experience.

Now before I tell you about what a good teacher experience is, I will tell you of a possibility. There may be some people for whom these rules are altered. Some may be worse, some may be less. But as a rule of thumb, those are pretty much the guidelines. Actually I don't know of anyone who is really excused from those, and I really do think they're rather conservative.

So experience. Before I was 16, I had never kissed a girl at all. When I first kissed a girl, I had broken the barrier, so to speak. I had kissed before, I could do it again. And ultimately would. But they were fairly innocent and rather chaste kisses. A quick peck on the lips, as it were. Later, I kissed another girl on the cheek. With each kiss it was easier and easier. But I really didn't do more than that. One girl I cuddled with, once or twice... but that was really it.

Now, I don't know if it's different to you, but I'd like to think this is more or less the right way to express affection physically - specifically, when you can no longer tell her (or him) in words, just how much you love them. And so you resort to a kiss. A much more base expression of love, but when expressed in that way, a much higher form. But in that way it's also more sacred.

Well, this girl I thought I was going to marry - I loved her (at least I think I did... love is such a weird concept anyways). A lot. And I desired her as well, and I expressed that in a kiss... and then another, and then a few more. And later, before she had to leave, the kisses I gave evolved into some full fledged snogging. I tried to express how I felt for her in that way. I really don't know if she felt it (since she dumped me later on, I know she obviously didn't feel the same way I did).

Well, that was great and all, except for one thing. Now I feel the desire to play tonsil hockey. I really don't have a desire to feel the way I felt with her, I just want the physical sensations.

That's really my one regret in that relationship, is that I kissed her.

Because now that desire is awake, and it wants to be fed. I do my best to keep from feeding said desire, because I know that all that will happen is I'll go one step closer to the edge. Or a giant leap. And I don't really want that. So I keep busy with school, work, and expanding my base of knowledge. And trying to become more compassionate. That's one thing that I've noticed as well. When I succumb to those desires in a manner that really probably isn't appropriate (such as making out before I'm married), then the baser desires and egocentric actions are brought to the forefront, and the ectocentric desires are repulsed.

And it's been a learning experience that I really didn't want and has been rather lame. I wish with all my heart that I never kissed her. But I have, and there's nothing I can do to go back and change that. So I have to live with the consequences and try to regain those good bits that I've had in the past.

But you know what the worst thing is? Intellectually, this guide makes sense. And I remember when I felt how right and good it was. But now... I'm really confused. I don't know it any more. People, even those I respect, seem to have different ideals than I do. Which, needless to say, confuses the heck out of me.

I don't really know what to think about that kinda stuff anymore, so I really just try to... well, keep to myself, really. I haven't really tried to hang out with friends, or meet new people, or develop relationships, or anything.

It also used to be that I had what you could call a "default-allow" policy. I would allow people (girls) deep into my life and emotions. I would trust them until they gave me reason not to. But now I've changed to a "default-deny" policy. I keep people out. I'm suspicious of every girl (yes, you included. Sorry to say it, but it's true. Okay, that's a lie, I'm really not sorry at all, I'd rather be safe. I'm sorry if you feel bad because of that, but more in a third-person-no-responsibility-claimed sort of way.)

It seems that I start every day suspicious. For the most part. Or preparing for the worst or whatever. I mean I kinda trust you... but rather than believe the very best, I tend to be a little more suspicious, I think. Like I said, default deny. All because of a kiss.

Bloggeriffic, RFL

So Friday & Saturday they had Relay for Life in Maumelle. My dad signed us up on D. O.'s Superstars, the team honoring my brother's girlfriend's dad, who died of cancer not too long ago.

It was nice, we had a real good time, walking, talking, relaxing, getting sunburnt, eating, playing frisbee, line dancing... it was just a real good time.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Relay for Life, basically you walk around a track, at least one person/team for 24 hours, because cancer doesn't sleep.

It was really fun, but not really sleeping sure does a number on ya. At least it did on me.

But it was a good time, and I had an opportunity to reflect on a lot of things going on in my life, and I realized that really, I'm rather confused.

---

I used to know just what I wanted out of life and love. But now I'm not so sure... about either of them, actually.

One thing that I do see, though, is that the world sure seems to be going to Hell in a handbasket. Not very many people realize it, and I think most of the people who do realize it, think it's for the wrong reasons.

---

In other news, although related...

I've only had two "girlfriends", as common etymology refers to them. It's interesting, because I've always thought it was a moronic concept, and I still do.

I don't think I ever realized exactly why, but now I can pretty identify all the reasons...

It's really a backwards process, this "going out" thing.

When you get down to brass tacks, there are really two purposes for physical intimacy. 1) To procreate, to make/bear/raise children, 2) to increase/develop/nurture the relationship between a man and a woman. At least those are the purposes that bring fulfillment.

So what does that have to do with "going out"?

The foundations of love, respect, intimacy, romance, trust, etc. are all built up to. You don't hate someone, or feel nothing for them one day, and then wake up the next day with a deep understanding and loving relationship with them. I've never heard of that happening anyways. You work at it slowly.

First you get to know someone - you introduce yourself to someone, get to know a little about them, and when you share some interests, then you start to share experiences about those interests. This is the level of acquaintance, or buddy or some equivalent expression.

Once you've shared a few experiences, and you trust this person, and develop these feelings of trust and respect, and mutual enjoyment of each other's company, and when you inspire each other to be better, that's when you've become friends.

So let's say you're a guy, and you have a friend that's a girl, and you think she's pretty neat, and you feel that hey, maybe we could have a life together... then you ask her if she wants to go on a date (I could go into how to ask people on a date, but that's more effort than I feel like writing right now). What's the difference between a date, and just hanging out and doing the things you've been doing? It's a formal expression of respect for someone. You're saying that you'd like to get to know that person better, that you think they're special enough that you want to single them out for a certain period of time. You don't wanna just "hang out", but there is a specific point to your activity - developing a closer relationship.

Well, let's say you both had a great time and want to go out again. And again. And again... after a few dates, and you both decide the other is a really neat person... and maybe one day you would like to marry them... then you both decide that you want to date exclusively. That's when you should "go out".

That's how it should work throughout your junior-high/high-school era. Then once you've graduated and you think you want to spend the rest of your life (or eternity, depending on your religious views) with this person, someone asks the question, all sorts of good times, and then marriage and all that comes with that.

So what is/was my problem with "going out"? It was a substitute for the friends/dating, but worse. Worse because you made a commitment to be a boyfriend/girlfriend. Why is that worse? Because you should be faithful to that person. And they should be faithful to you. And if you decide they're not really as cool as you thought they would be... then you have to terminate your relationship and you have to end this commitment that you entered in to on a whim.

So that gives you all sorts of problems down the road - commitments aren't really that important. You enter into, or end all sorts of things that you really should have taken more time, thought, and consideration before you committed to.

I suppose that's part of my "problem", is that I've always been like that - I didn't (and still don't) make commitments that I don't intend to keep. And if I miss my commitments, there better be a great reason, like I died or something.

The other problem with "going out" is if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it's okay (in society) to be physically intimate with them. The degree is determined by various things, such as how far you've gone in the past, peer pressure, hormones, environment...

See, I never really wanted to get that intimate with a girl - why? Because I was... anywhere from 12-19, and I wasn't planning on getting married until after I'd been on a mission, so why should I? There was certainly no benefit, I'd just be having a good time. So apparently my lack of desire to play suck-face translated into I didn't feel for them or something. Interesting how my desire to keep them pure, and myself pure wasn't a desirable quality.

So what if "making out" was involved? To be clear - making out is defined as open mouth/soul/french kissing, tonsil hockey, suck face... etc. Well, that's an action that arouses passion in its participants. Making out isn't a bad thing, it's just when it happens at a bad time. The good part is it increases emotions and passions for one another, which if you're married, that's a great thing. But what if you're not at the stage where you want to marry this person? What if you're just "going out"? This is where the problems occur - you have a desire, physically to be with this person. But mentally, intellectually, your sense tells you this person is kinda a dork, and (s)he really wouldn't make a good husband/wife/father/mother. So you get really confused, and you aren't sure what you want/need.

And then you have the pesky situation where one person has had... more experiences. Well there's a desire to continue having those experiences, and so unless they have a lot of control, they'll want to "expand their horizons" so to speak, which just exponentially increase the prior problem.

And now down the road, this person is married to someone (else). Unless they have amnesia, they will remember and think of those former experiences. Especially if they were better than the current ones. But I think even worse - there's this habit of jumping into things, and hey if it doesn't work out, we'll just end it, whatever, it's not like I haven't done it before.

I don't know if it could be directly linked, but I wouldn't be surprised if the casual "dating" attitude of kids could be linked with the high rate of divorce.

So I really do (and did) have problems with the whole "going out" thing...

I could probably write more, but I'm done for now.

So I was thinking about it the other day, and we've totally got our relationships backwards these days.

What's the first thing (generally speaking) that happens? Well one goes to a bar, picks up a chick and 'your place or mine' and there they go.

then they kinda decide all the other things as they go...

what ever happened to meeting someone, getting to know them, becoming friends, starting to date, and then getting married?

I don't know... that's my thought on it anyways...

-Wayne