Thursday, August 30, 2007

hrrrm....

So... I had something to... ahh, that's what I was going to write about!

So I'm currently (still) working on cleaning up my room. I came across an interesting bit of voodoo... okay, just a comment by a friend on a blog post I had made.

It said, "You only mention how so many people aren't your friends and who doesn't care and how no one will ever like you."

To be fair (to her) that's kinda-sorta true. I suppose the problem here lies in communication - more specifically, I often don't try to clarify my meanings.

I will say things like "My friend" and "... people aren't [my] friends and [they don't] care..."

And to me, in the context I use them and the vocabulary and meaning that I use... they're perfectly accurate statements of fact.

I kinda posted a more or less questionnaire about the meaning of love, at least to me, the other day. and that wasn't by any means comprehensive! It can go so much deeper than that.

When I speak of friends, I don't do it in the conventional sense of the word, i.e. "Oh I met this guy today, he's my friend." I tend not to describe people who don't influence me for good as friends. Sometimes I'll slip into the vulgar language and describe them as friend, but they're really not and I don't see them that way.

Now, just because they're not my friends doesn't mean that I can't be their friend. As a matter of fact that's usually a lot closer to the case - I'm friendly towards them and they either look up to me or care... for me? Yes, I think that's right. Not about me. Just for me.

For instance....

"I care about you!" "You know, that guy is no good, he's kinda scum actually" "You can't tell me what to do! I love him!"

The first statement is a lie, perhaps unintentional... but a lie nonetheless. You care FOR me - perhaps about who I am, certainly if I'm your friend... if I died you'd probably show up at my funeral... Hmmm... maybe even caring for me is a little to strong. I think it's more that you care of me.

Sort of like so... "Do you know Johnny?" "Ah... I know OF him... and I've met him, but I really don't know him".

I'd say that's probably a pretty accurate way of describing how people care.

So there are the people who care of me... I'd say that's probably the main bulk of the people I know. My incredibly informed opinions on the male gender mean nothing to you. Other than annoyance. You'll feel free to be annoyed that I'd offer my no doubt jealous opinion. Which isn't entirely true. Most certainly I am jealous - that's mainly because I don't have any friends of my own and I know exactly what will happen - I'll lose all chance of gaining you as a friend. Because dude, I'm not friends with non-single women. They can be "our" friends if I were to be in a relationship... but never MY friend. That leads to problems, trust me on this.

But that opinion - regardless of my motivations - is extremely valid and probably 100% correct. I cannot think of a time when I've evaluated some guy in a negative light and portrayed him in anything less than his actual character. In fact I often end out having portrayed him in a better light than he really is. Now, understand - this does not necessarily preclude your having a relationship with this cad and bounder. But the problem is when you knowingly turn a blind eye to the situation.

I mean, I'm at least in the top 10 people who will say that I'm quite a cad and a bounder. Possibly even despicable, depending on the day. That certainly never stopped me from attempting a relationship with girls - but that's mainly because I perfectly understand the fact that I'm no good, and that makes me a pretty swell guy.

"Double-ewe Tee Eff??!" You might ask in exclaimation, "How does that even make sense?"

Quite simple - most guys are of the thought that they're great swell guys and everything about them is awesome. I am of the thought that there are plenty of things wrong with me, but hey, that just means more adventures through learning and forgiveness. And therein lies the difference.

The problem I suppose is that makes me sorta cocky. Because I know I'm problematic, and I know that through small and simple things, great things can come to pass.

So anyway... back to the caring bit...

Girls care of me, some of them (few) care for me. But not one of them explores me. They really don't care that much to know anything I know or care to educate me on what they know. It's kinda given me a... je ne sais quoi... sort of an "I really don't care" syndrome.

Like... I don't care so much about what's going on, because I've been at this long enough to know that if I care or I don't care it really doesn't effect the outcome. I can tell you you're dumb as a brick for doing XYZ or not. You'll still do it, and I'll be hurt because you ignored me, you'll be hurt because you ignored me and XYZ hurt you... So let's just skip all that. I won't say anything, you can be stupid, and we'll skip all the time in between.

I suppose you could say I've become a cynic, and that's probably true. I also retain a bit of hope, ironically. A hopeful cynic, that doesn't really make sense.

Sense or not, though, true it is. I really wish it weren't... but... well, nine years of girls who don't pay attention to me... and reject my affections towards them... wow... nine years. I hadn't realized it's been that long. That's pretty amazing. Nine years of rejection. That's a pretty long time to be rejected. How long have we known each other, J? 7 years? Less? More? I think it's been less than 9... maybe it's been more now that I think about it.

And you're really the only one I still talk to out of all those girls. My goodness. That's amazingly depressing. Not that I still talk to you, freak... if I didn't I'd be amazingly sad and depressed and probably die because seriously... meh!

One of the other things that's rather depressing is how girls are all, "You're amazing and I wish I could find a guy like you..." they just don't want me. So I really try to not ever say that to anyone. Ever. I know some wonderful people, heck, if you're reading this you're probably one of them.

But if I married any one of you... it wouldn't be good. Why? Because I can't look up to you. Not in a physical sense, but in a knowledge/emotional sense. There was a girl that I could, and we were "practically engaged". And then she dumped me because sure we could "have all these arguments" and "make up", but really "I just don't think it's worth it." (read - You're not worth it. Go die in a hole, jerk.)

So that did wonders for my self esteem. But anyhoo, now I've realized that honestly, I don't think I'll find a girl I can look up to... I mean, some of you know how much I respect you... but others of you? I'm sorry, I can't respect you at all. I look at you with contempt, really. I care about you when I realize that I'm not thinking about you right... But really - I don't have respect for you, because you lost that respect - usually by ignoring my perfectly well founded advice. And I say oh I'll give you a chance, because sometimes I am wrong and gee then I'd just be a jealous dork.

Except I still haven't been wrong. I could almost, ALMOST still have respect for you, if you walked away from the train wreck (or ran)... but when you go BACK... oh dearie dear. I'm really sorry... and if you NEED me... you know where to find me. But why would I want to go after/hang out with a girl who obviously has no problems hanging out with a guy like that? I'd rather your reputation not rub off on me, kthxbye.

But I have no problems, like I said, if you need me. Just like the Saviour didn't turn away the hookers, I won't turn you away if you need a shoulder to cry on.

So... that's kinda where I stand. Feel free to ask for clarification in the usual way (that means comment!)

Oh and also, I know one of you who actually reads this. You know what a GBFS is and who Olive is.

If you do not know that you know these things, please leave a comment so that I know you read. If not I'll just have to start e-mailing her instead of leaving a blog. kthxbye!

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Olive said...

LOL I feel as if I should be out of breath. Umm, not much time to comment right now. Let me leave one later. Still at work. BLeh.

2:28 PM  
Anonymous Ashley said...

[raises hand]
I'm reading. I don't understand most of where this stuff comes from. I suppose that would be my only caring -of- you. *sigh* Oh well.

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wayne, everyone has their own package of problems...
and thats why we all love you dear. i don't mean to state that in response to this blog, but there are at least _two_ people who read this...lol.
so pertaining to the statement above, i probably have no clue how you feel. i am probably just as selfish and jealous as anyone else, myself. but the fact of the matter is, their yours. i have mine too. maybe we share some, but others are the individual things we strive for. wayne, i may not have been your friend forever, but know that there's not only one or two...
theres more.

bp

4:51 PM  

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