This that and the other...

So... right now I think I'm bored out of my skull. I'm tired, and there's no one to talk to and nothing really to do. At least in 3 hours I get to go home and read or something. I suppose I'll probably draw some or something...

I suppose I can tell you how awesome last weekend was, because my geekheart came on a surprise visit! Friday afternoon I'm just sitting there, minding my own business, learning about the structure of man, and how to draw it, when I look up and there my mom has one of our geeklings in her arms, and my geekheart walks through the door.

I sat there like a deer caught in the headlights. My brain disengaged and I sat there for a moment with a bit of "Durrrrrrrrrr?" going through my head. And then I woke up and gave them all a great big hug.

We pretty much had a blast, except for the whole leaving part. That always sucks :(

But other than ending, it was a great weekend!

Tired. Busy. Lot's of pain?

So... list of things to do monday:
Start reading my chemistry chapter 5
Finish up reading my philosophy chapter on Aristotle.
Probably some other stuff too, but it really depends on if it's raining.

This evening, at 5PM we have a YSA planning meeting, then a potluck, then a fireside. I'm not 100% sure on who's speaking...

Life has been kinda... stretched between two polar opposites. I'm not able to be with my best friend as she's going through a rough time and is rather sick... I don't have a good car or money. On the other hand, however, I have different fingers....

Also, I have the love of a beautiful woman. I have cool technology.

I really want to get my bike fixed, also.

Aaaand.... I'm rather disjointed in all this what-not, I apologize.

But don't complain too much, at least you got a post!

Big Girls, Don't Cry!

Fat. <cue MJ's music>

Yep, we all got it, some in greater quantities than others. I've noticed, though, that some (read many) girls tend to think that because they're fat this somehow makes them ugly.

Girls, I have news for you.

Anyone who has told you that being fat makes you ugly is one of two things. Or both. Stupid or a liar.

The fat content of your body (up to severe obesity that's really creepy - the same goes for anorexia. Creeped out!) has little to do with your attractiveness.

No, my Spanish Galleons, your attractiveness is determined the same way anyone else's is - and it's not your waist size. Your confidence, and your health. If you can walk 5 miles or run one, what does it matter if you're size 70billion. I know people who are size minus one, and they can't walk to the car without stopping for breath. That's not healthy.

So gals, get out there, run, walk, ride a bike, whatever you do. Get healthy, and feel good. Dress to flatter your body. Apple? Pear? Rotund? Portly? Whatever your shape, dress your body how it should be dressed. I don't wear a dress (even if it would flatter me [the sad thing is I'm not joking, but don't worry about that] I prefer things that do a little more to emphasize my masculinity.) and you shouldn't wear things that don't work well on you.

So... in closing, a little review.

1) Exercise - if you can walk 5 miles or run 1, or bike 15, and it doesn't exhaust you, you're probably pretty good, if you do the aforementioned activities at least 3 times a week

2) Dress for Success - you're beautiful ladies, dress the part!

3) Be confident - You can probably out-run, out-walk, and out-bike over 50% of fellers out there (if you did #1) and you look better (#2) than 50+% of them, too.

And please, quit saying you're fat like you have cancer. Seriously, it's not that bad!

Clarification...

If any of you should ever NEED me - i.e. that jerk that you're with now is abusive and you need somewhere to hide out, You're feeling depressed and more emo than me and want to kill yourself, or anything like that? Yeah, feel free to give me a call/IM/e-mail. I'll be glad to be there for you then... but...

I'm kinda sick of doing oh, so much, and getting nothing in return except for a few hours of company.

Sick of being used, abused, ignored, and all that great stuff.

To you, the one who's pissed off at me and wants to shove me into a locker? Enjoy your life with the guy you love. Or without him, as the case may end out. But I'm done with the games, I really don't have time for them.

Interestingly enough, though, when I saw you at MY school, you were looking as beautiful as ever. It still hurts... well, no need to burden you with how I feel. Don't worry... But please do enjoy your boyfriend or whatever he is. I'd hate to hear that you were unhappy.

To the rest of you? Well, I don't have time for YOUR games, either.

If you want to be a part of my life... the balls in your court now. I'm sick of the games, the pain, the ignoring my needs and desires.

And honestly? Nobody can fulfill those needs and desires. Because I NEED someone at school with me in my classes - but I don't have that. And I won't have that.

Until I get that... I'm pretty much done trying to help YOU. I've got nothing but broken heart after broken heart, trying to be there for you, be there for others... Just trying to be a nice, selfless guy.

Honestly, I think I lost a lotta years doing that.

So... anyway. I hope that helps clarify things.

Take care, and I hope you find happiness wherever you go. The happiness that I've missed...

Do You Ever...

Just get tired of people and life in general? The "coy" little games they play?

But why should you get all the fun? The dumb things I do upset me, too.

I'm sick and bleeding tired of these games. I mean, am I still in junior high or something? I try, though, to just... stop interacting with people when they're playing stupid games. At least if I feel they're stupid games.

So if you've noticed I've made no overtures to talk to you in a little while... something you've done has been selfish, stupid, hurtful, annoying, or I just am plain busy.

Mainly though, I'm really sick of life in general. Because I have to interact with people on a daily basis and they all suck. Even me. I try to suck least but I doubt I do.

Meh.

Whatever.

To Whom It May Concern:

If you don't recognize what I'm talking about, then this is probably not about you. If you have to ask it probably isn't. But if you'd like to ask I will be sure to allay your fears by confirming that it's really not about you at all.

I'm not anti-You or bitter towards or about you. I'm sad, hurt, and you could probably say bitter, about the fact that you are settling for something that isn't even that good for you. And that's because of the MANY people I know who have just taken the easy way, and it's turned out horrible for them. If someone looked at the predictions I've made they might think I was prophetic... but honestly... well, I can explain it like this:

You look up and see a piano with rope wrapped around it, ten feet above your head. A similar looking rope is tied to the wall right next to you. What happens when you untie the rope?

The majority of people would be under the impression that this piano will fall on their head. Probably killing you.

Let's liken this to relationships, shall we?

The forces governing the relationship of that piano and you would be gravity, weight, acceleration, and friction. There's enough friction in the knot or hitch to keep the piano from falling on your head. When you remove that friction, the gravity acts on the mass(weight) of the piano, increasing its acceleration until it's stopped by your head.

For relationships you have the desire to reproduce, the desire to possess, commit, and be wanted/needed.

So if you get in a relationship with someone, you probably want to be committed to each other and wanted/needed. Some guys are like pianos above your head. Only some small knot, probably a slippery hitch really, is keeping them from dropping out of your life and crushing you. Or doing something that's just really not cool.

It's not a matter of "oh, we can beat the odds" when it's only one person who really even cares.

That's the problem. In my relationships, I've been the only one who cares, and they've left me for someone who didn't (usually).

You are your own person and need to make your own decisions. You can take what I've said and think about it and decide if I make sense. If I don't it's your responsibility to disregard my opinion on the matter. If I do, however, make sense, then you need to decide if you want to do what makes sense or do whatever you want to do.

And then you need to take responsibility for your actions.

If you want to make a decision, then make it. But make it because it's something that you want, not because it's something someone else wants. To borrow a line from Dumbledore... sometimes it's not between right and wrong, but between what is right, and what is easy. Heck, sometimes even the right way is the easy way.

I don't profess to know everything, if I did, I'd figure out who I'm supposed to marry and get in a relationship or something with her already. Then when I see people I care about doing stupid things, I can just shake my head and say, "That's too bad." Because I won't have anything to lose.

Meh... I'm 100% sure I'm making very little sense, but I'm tired and want a nap. Math class drained the heck out of me. I'm not sure what those theorems have to do with finding zeros or why it's ever going to be important... I really do wish I could figure that one out. Maybe it's just the logical process? I'm really not sure.

I just know I'm about to pass out. Too bad we have a meeting later. :P

To everyone reading this, I'm fairly certain I care about you. If I know you then I know I do.

To the one that this concerns, I certainly care for you and I don't want to see you like the many girls I know - hurt and friendless. Except for me who has too big of a heart. But what's gonna happen when my heart belongs to someone...?

So...

I did something last night that I haven't done for a long time. I don't remember how my light got off or I got from my chair into my bed. I just... woke up.

Weird stuff.

hrrrm....

So... I had something to... ahh, that's what I was going to write about!

So I'm currently (still) working on cleaning up my room. I came across an interesting bit of voodoo... okay, just a comment by a friend on a blog post I had made.

It said, "You only mention how so many people aren't your friends and who doesn't care and how no one will ever like you."

To be fair (to her) that's kinda-sorta true. I suppose the problem here lies in communication - more specifically, I often don't try to clarify my meanings.

I will say things like "My friend" and "... people aren't [my] friends and [they don't] care..."

And to me, in the context I use them and the vocabulary and meaning that I use... they're perfectly accurate statements of fact.

I kinda posted a more or less questionnaire about the meaning of love, at least to me, the other day. and that wasn't by any means comprehensive! It can go so much deeper than that.

When I speak of friends, I don't do it in the conventional sense of the word, i.e. "Oh I met this guy today, he's my friend." I tend not to describe people who don't influence me for good as friends. Sometimes I'll slip into the vulgar language and describe them as friend, but they're really not and I don't see them that way.

Now, just because they're not my friends doesn't mean that I can't be their friend. As a matter of fact that's usually a lot closer to the case - I'm friendly towards them and they either look up to me or care... for me? Yes, I think that's right. Not about me. Just for me.

For instance....

"I care about you!" "You know, that guy is no good, he's kinda scum actually" "You can't tell me what to do! I love him!"

The first statement is a lie, perhaps unintentional... but a lie nonetheless. You care FOR me - perhaps about who I am, certainly if I'm your friend... if I died you'd probably show up at my funeral... Hmmm... maybe even caring for me is a little to strong. I think it's more that you care of me.

Sort of like so... "Do you know Johnny?" "Ah... I know OF him... and I've met him, but I really don't know him".

I'd say that's probably a pretty accurate way of describing how people care.

So there are the people who care of me... I'd say that's probably the main bulk of the people I know. My incredibly informed opinions on the male gender mean nothing to you. Other than annoyance. You'll feel free to be annoyed that I'd offer my no doubt jealous opinion. Which isn't entirely true. Most certainly I am jealous - that's mainly because I don't have any friends of my own and I know exactly what will happen - I'll lose all chance of gaining you as a friend. Because dude, I'm not friends with non-single women. They can be "our" friends if I were to be in a relationship... but never MY friend. That leads to problems, trust me on this.

But that opinion - regardless of my motivations - is extremely valid and probably 100% correct. I cannot think of a time when I've evaluated some guy in a negative light and portrayed him in anything less than his actual character. In fact I often end out having portrayed him in a better light than he really is. Now, understand - this does not necessarily preclude your having a relationship with this cad and bounder. But the problem is when you knowingly turn a blind eye to the situation.

I mean, I'm at least in the top 10 people who will say that I'm quite a cad and a bounder. Possibly even despicable, depending on the day. That certainly never stopped me from attempting a relationship with girls - but that's mainly because I perfectly understand the fact that I'm no good, and that makes me a pretty swell guy.

"Double-ewe Tee Eff??!" You might ask in exclaimation, "How does that even make sense?"

Quite simple - most guys are of the thought that they're great swell guys and everything about them is awesome. I am of the thought that there are plenty of things wrong with me, but hey, that just means more adventures through learning and forgiveness. And therein lies the difference.

The problem I suppose is that makes me sorta cocky. Because I know I'm problematic, and I know that through small and simple things, great things can come to pass.

So anyway... back to the caring bit...

Girls care of me, some of them (few) care for me. But not one of them explores me. They really don't care that much to know anything I know or care to educate me on what they know. It's kinda given me a... je ne sais quoi... sort of an "I really don't care" syndrome.

Like... I don't care so much about what's going on, because I've been at this long enough to know that if I care or I don't care it really doesn't effect the outcome. I can tell you you're dumb as a brick for doing XYZ or not. You'll still do it, and I'll be hurt because you ignored me, you'll be hurt because you ignored me and XYZ hurt you... So let's just skip all that. I won't say anything, you can be stupid, and we'll skip all the time in between.

I suppose you could say I've become a cynic, and that's probably true. I also retain a bit of hope, ironically. A hopeful cynic, that doesn't really make sense.

Sense or not, though, true it is. I really wish it weren't... but... well, nine years of girls who don't pay attention to me... and reject my affections towards them... wow... nine years. I hadn't realized it's been that long. That's pretty amazing. Nine years of rejection. That's a pretty long time to be rejected. How long have we known each other, J? 7 years? Less? More? I think it's been less than 9... maybe it's been more now that I think about it.

And you're really the only one I still talk to out of all those girls. My goodness. That's amazingly depressing. Not that I still talk to you, freak... if I didn't I'd be amazingly sad and depressed and probably die because seriously... meh!

One of the other things that's rather depressing is how girls are all, "You're amazing and I wish I could find a guy like you..." they just don't want me. So I really try to not ever say that to anyone. Ever. I know some wonderful people, heck, if you're reading this you're probably one of them.

But if I married any one of you... it wouldn't be good. Why? Because I can't look up to you. Not in a physical sense, but in a knowledge/emotional sense. There was a girl that I could, and we were "practically engaged". And then she dumped me because sure we could "have all these arguments" and "make up", but really "I just don't think it's worth it." (read - You're not worth it. Go die in a hole, jerk.)

So that did wonders for my self esteem. But anyhoo, now I've realized that honestly, I don't think I'll find a girl I can look up to... I mean, some of you know how much I respect you... but others of you? I'm sorry, I can't respect you at all. I look at you with contempt, really. I care about you when I realize that I'm not thinking about you right... But really - I don't have respect for you, because you lost that respect - usually by ignoring my perfectly well founded advice. And I say oh I'll give you a chance, because sometimes I am wrong and gee then I'd just be a jealous dork.

Except I still haven't been wrong. I could almost, ALMOST still have respect for you, if you walked away from the train wreck (or ran)... but when you go BACK... oh dearie dear. I'm really sorry... and if you NEED me... you know where to find me. But why would I want to go after/hang out with a girl who obviously has no problems hanging out with a guy like that? I'd rather your reputation not rub off on me, kthxbye.

But I have no problems, like I said, if you need me. Just like the Saviour didn't turn away the hookers, I won't turn you away if you need a shoulder to cry on.

So... that's kinda where I stand. Feel free to ask for clarification in the usual way (that means comment!)

Oh and also, I know one of you who actually reads this. You know what a GBFS is and who Olive is.

If you do not know that you know these things, please leave a comment so that I know you read. If not I'll just have to start e-mailing her instead of leaving a blog. kthxbye!

Can you believe it?

Post number 400.

That's a big round number. Us humans, for some weird reason, like big round numbers.

Me? I'm tired as heck and I have to use the potty...

About par for the course, eh?

Huzzah!

First day of classes? Mission: Accomplished.

Yeah, it was pretty good. I only had two classes, my writing class and my math class... it seems like they should both be some good classes.

Dr. Forssman Hill is my writing teacher, and Professor Booher is my math teacher, and they both seem like competent, nice ladies. Of course, the way I see it, that basically makes them teachers anyway, this way they simply get paid for it.

Well... I think that's about it for now... I'm rather tired - I've been up since 5AM, see... Heh... it could be fun to take a nap like I learned in the Worst Case Scenario Handbook: College Survival guide... One of the things I enjoy about college is people watching. Especially after being here for a semester... I can pretty much pick the freshmen out like nobodies business - they all seem to have this startled "deer in the headlights" look - slightly unsure and more or less worried. It's cute, really. I wonder if I looked like that my first semester... I doubt it, simply because I've done so much and I'm so easygoing that I was probably like "eh, whatever." Maybe.

Tomorrow I have math again, (bleh, I really need to get books & things) and Biology... what a horrid book. Both of those books will end out around $200 for the two classes. You know, the books should really just be included in tuition or something... about $1500 of random fees is anyway, so why not those?

I'm pretty sure that next semester I'll try to get back with the MWF classes... I just think it'll be a bit easier. Of course that also depends on everything else... like, say work schedule... wheee... so much fun.

So I'm learning myself the Python programming language. It's been a lot of fun so far, I now need to learn how to open/edit files... w00t. And then I wanna start learning how to play with PyGTK+ - it's a programming language/widget set that's pretty darn cool. That's what the GIMP and pidgin are programmed in.

Pretty sweet stuff.

Well, that's enough rambling for now, I think I'll go draft a letter I'm supposed to write for creative writing class... joi de vivre!

Girl Power!

Or something.

Well, now it's the girls turn. Of course the rest of this will have to wait until I get back from Ratatouille. Or rather, I'll be going to see that somewhere in the middle here.

So, I'll begin by presenting the very dumb dumb things that girls do. And then we'll go from there.

The first dumb thing is fishing for compliments. An example:

Girl: I'm sooo ugly/fat/dumb
Boy(sincere): Awww, no you're not, you're beautiful/skinny/smart
G: You're just saying that!
B: No I'm not! You really are!
G: No, I'm just a fat cow nobody loves!
B: You're not fat! (She really isn't)

It goes on longer until the girl has extracted all the compliments she wants or the guy gets sick and tells her she is.

In the end? Either one or both are upset, and it wasn't great at all.

What is the solution? First off - trust us! We do know what we're talking about. And guess what that says to us when you say, "You're just saying that!"

That says, "You're totally lying to me, I can't trust you to tell the truth about what I look like." And girls... that's a bad way to go with a relationship. Most guys should be aware of their girls feelings (unless you hide them. Don't do that.) and we should be complimenting you all over the place. A lot of times we screw up and don't do what we should, and it doesn't hurt to say, "Honey, I'm feeling a little blue right now. Could you tell me about the good you see in me?"

If you try that and the guy is still slacking... well, get another guy. But if you're that direct, most every guy I know will be able to roll out a string of compliments as long as your arm. And they'll feel good and you'll feel good (if you TRUST them!). And you know what the best part of doing that is? If you have a caring guy, he'll begin to learn what signs you show when you need some lovin'.

Here's another fun thing that makes me grind my teeth to my gums.

Girls who say, "I can't!"

I don't think I've ever talked to a girl who told me that in the proper context.

Proper Context:

"Flap your arms and fly to the moon!" - "But I can't!"

"Hold your breath for ten hours!" - "But I can't without dying!"

"Grow a hundred feet tall!" - "I can't! That's not physically possible!"

Get the picture? And now some improper context:

"When a guy is a jerk like that? Yeah, tell him NO!" - "I can't do that! That's mean!"

"Honey, we need to talk..." - "I'm kinda busy right now talking to some friends" - "It's really important. Just ask them to IM you back in 5 minutes." - "I can't do that!"

"Look, all I want is five minutes out of your week! All you have to do is tell your family you'll be back in five and just send me an e-mail, 'I'm thinking of you, this week is crazy busy! I'm well and I'll ttyl!' that's all I need!" - "I can't tell my family that!"
---

Yeah... those were some actual quotes. Possibly slightly adapted... but oh, so very actual. Pretty awesome, huh?

But by awesome, I mean "Dumb as driveway gravel."

Look, if a woman can swim the English-freaking-channel, you most certainly can tell a guy he's a freaking jerk because he only wants to make out with you and doesn't want to do anything that's important to you (i.e. go to church, read whatever scriptures are common to your religion, go on walks, sing, really anything that's important to you). Yeah, if the guy isn't willing to give more than he takes? Time to get rid of him. Don't be stupid, dear.

Here's one thing that pisses me off more than just about any stupid thing girls can do. I mean... I honestly can't stand to be in the company of girls like this because it offends every single one of my sensibilities.

Okay, that guy? He cheated on someone else? That's pretty bad. That guy cheated on you? Yeah, you pretty much shouldn't ever talk to him again. I'm all for repentance and forgiveness, but you don't have to be stupid! It's one thing if he expresses a desire to stay with you and he changes his behaviour. That's right, change. Because I tell you something, if he acts like he did before? If he isn't cheating already, he soon will be. Dump him like a hot tamale and find some guy who actually cares about you.

Seriously, I cannot tell you the phenomenal amount of stupidity that's involved in that kind of action. I mean... they don't want to change? At all? Even worse, they said they'd change and they haven't at all? My goodness woman! You need to get a refund on those brains because they're obviously defective!

Well, I don't know, maybe you're fulfilled when you're treated like an object. When you're not even second - you're last. All of you are last in his life. He's first and foremost. It really makes me sick. On both ends. I hate that guys like that exist, but I hate even more that you girls fall for them. Ugh!

Now... Here's the last thing I have... there may be many more ways that you may be stupid, the only way to not be too stupid is watch and be careful, lest ye become dumb as driveway gravel.

But the last thing... if you don't like something, or you wish we would do something different or better? Let us know! We aren't mind readers. But of course, don't expect us to go ahead and do it. A lot of times we will... or we'll make an effort. If it's something really serious... then yeah, you should hold us to it. Oh, and if you are gonna tell us something - please please please don't do it in front of anyone else.

A simple - "I don't feel like you treat me romantic enough" will suffice. We might change, or we might have a good reason that we do it how we do. And darling, there are some things that it really doesn't matter how it's done. If we fold our undies, or don't, the world won't end. Now, if we're interfering with your undawears, that's something different. But seriously... there are a lot of things that we've done this way forever. Just because your dad/mom/brother/uncle/twelfth cousin once removed/sister did it differently... doesn't mean we should do it that way.

I'm tired and I've probably rambled. Just don't be stupid. Is that really too much to ask? Is it?

Girl Time or Tired Time?

So yesterday the boys got it... and... I was going to do the girls right now... but i just realized that's not going to work. I'm so incredibly tired that for me to form a cohernetnafejsdf thought would bewerdfasdfasdfeiwfa.

Er... yes. I'm tired.

But it's kinda nice - I have my desk back! It's quite a joy to me... My desk that I made with my dad many moons ago is now, once again, my desk. Of course, I think it was my sister who decided to paint it when it was her desk. Bleh. I love my unfinished wood :P

So I'm going to have to break out the torch and start bubbling some paint, whee!

I'm a little tired like I said... but I'll definitely be writing the girl side tomorrow.

Mmmmm, I look forward to it!

A pim in your swool.

I think I still have water in my ears...
either that, or they're still working on retaining equilibrium with all those pressure changes from swimming...

It has been over two years (not counting a week ago) that I last went swimming. So my body is all... crazy.

But hopefully if I do this stuff every tuesday and thursday, I'll actually tone up some.

It turns out that about 5 PM is the perfect time to go swimming - not many people there, it's pretty cool... and I was there for an hour and a half with no sun screen and I'm not burnt.

So, good times and great oldies. I think I'm going to sleep after I go use the restroom.

I'm rather fagged from swimming and making an easel.

night.

Bleep, clang, CUT, grease, squash. Tired.

A transmission fell on me yesterday.

What, you may ask, was I doing under a transmission?

Simple - I was changing the pressure plate and clutch in my 1985 Toyota Tercel (that one looks better than mine.

Wednesday afternoon I started pulling parts off of my car (after jacking it and securing the wheels with chock blocks. Wednesday at 11:30pm we gave up and called it a night, got degreased (mostly)and went to bed. Thursday, 8:30 AM I went to work for Pure Cleaning. We went to a house on Kavanaugh Blvd, and tore off a bunch of ivy, cleaned some windows, and I got home around 7:30pm. Then at 9 we (my Dad and myself) went back under the car. The transmission is VERY greasy. Finally we got tired and gave up around 12:30am. I took a shower and fell asleep around 1:30am.

This morning my dad woke me up at 6:30 so we could leave to go to Toastmasters so I could use his truck to go to work. Because mine is on blocks, ya know? So this evening we'll (hopefully, prayerfully) finish putting my car back together and then we'll be going to T's band concert.

Then at 5:30am my parents have to be at the airport because they're going to Utah to see my nephew/their grandbaby. And we (T and myself) need to be at our church at 6 or 6:30am because we're going on a youth temple trip to the Memphis Temple.

It's going to be a long weekend.

I hope I don't die...