Sunday, April 18, 2004

why can't people just understand? I'm beginning to understand how it's possible to commit suicide. People just don't understand... at all. And it's not me. It's anything. No one takes the time to understand or comprehend. It's so freaking depressing. I mean I can very honestly see how it could be so frustrating that you don't want to put up with it any more.

I don't know. Maybe my problem is that it's so easy for me to understand that I just can't understand what it'd be like to NOT be able to understand.

And I'm beginning to think that there isn't really anyone worth fighting for anymore... I mean... I'm sure someone I know will show some type of understanding or something and give me a slight boost... but no one REALLY understands. They don't even want to. WHY THE FREAK IS IT SO HARD FOR THEM? Is it really that hard? or what? I mean WHY DON'T THEY?

*sigh* It would be nice to just curl up and cease to exist.

no one understands.
no one cares.
no one cares to understand.

and yes, I will return - W

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Well, appearantly I'm arrogant. At least that's what some people tell me. Arrogant, big ego, whatever. But I don't have an ego... other people matter more to me than myself so much so that some people think I have a big ego because I'm past the point of caring so far that I don't worry about being wrong because I know when I'm right. People with big egos care about themselves. I don't, much. I just want to find someone who will care about me. Hm... that's very interesting too. I know the people who care about me most, and I only have like... 3 or 4 people on that list, none of which is me. I just want someone who will care about me as much as I care about them. Which is a lot. Dang it so THAT's what I want. WIsh I had known that a few long whiles earlier. Oh well. Anyways. I'll be cool... I guess. Anyways, later -W

Monday, April 12, 2004

I had an epiphany, but I'm also off to bed, more tomorrow! - W

I've come to the conclusion that most everyone should be shot. More later.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

ooooh hey isn't that fun? :-p

Why is it that when you're there for someone, and you're the one they need, they don't want you. And they're too blind to see that they do? Man... I'm just so frustrated with life and everything... I just want to punch my monitor as hard as I can. But that wouldn't be good for me. My monitor probably wouldn't do a thing, but I bet I'd break my fist. And that would suck.

More than how much people suck. Man. *sigh* whatever...

I mean, every single girl that I've really liked and gone out on a limb for... They either hate me or didn't care enough.

Contestant #1) She came out to Arkansas about 15-30 minutes away from me, and I spent a lot of money calling her, and drove up to see her. I thought she liked me. When she got home I found out she decided to go for an ex who probably knocked her up by now. Or something. Sad.

Contestant #2) Some chick in AZ. I realized how much I loved Contestant # 3 when she came to visit her family. Told #2. She really really hates me to this day.

Contestant #3) A girl I had a crush on from the time we were like... 4? Way young in any case. Realized how much I loved her. Thought she reciprocated. Spent ~$200 on a bus ticket back to AR from her house in SD. Then when she moved in with her dad in another state, I found out she didn't love me. I was a big dummy and tried to guilt her into loving me, I guess. Didn't work, she didn't talk for a while. Then I wrote a letter of apology, and I believe she accepted. We talk now, but there's a rift on her side. Reason for her not loving me... I wasn't Romantic. She was then hurt by a guy who used her to make out.

Contestant #4) A girl I talked to between other girls. She sorta had a thing for me. When I was in CA for a family reunion, I went up to se her. Apperantly the 24 hours I was there were much less important than the week her friend was spending with her. Then when I got home, Contestant #5 told me I needed to talk out what was wrong. I asked #4 to put her friends on hold so we could talk. Her exact words "You know I can't do that". So I didn't.

Contestant #5) I really liked her. Heck, I'd say love. I loved each one of them. This one though, she had the same problem of time. Well, worse actually. I would have been FINE with 5 minutes a week "Hey Wayne, I'm wackin busy this week, I've got so much school & HW to do! I'll talk to you later!". But appearantly I wasn't even worth that much. It was over 2 weeks in a row before I heard from her. Possibly 4. Not even an e-mail for my birthday. We still talk, but only because someone she knew had a brain annurysm and died. So she decided that she didn't want us to not be talking. We talk every now and then. But pretty much only when I IM her. Isn't that often. Oh yeah... the limb I went out on was I wrote poetry. Kinda nice though, I'm not afraid of putting my feelings to paper in prose or poem or verse. Still...

And now I'm... I don't know, I just don't go out on a limb for girls. At all. It just sucks too because theres a nice girl I've been talking to, but I just... bleh!

and life SUCKS. Anyways. SLeep is near - W

Gwen has her own blog. Well, livejournal(R) but whatever. She's cool, one of my best friends.

You know what bloody sucks? People I know keep dying. Matt (not the idiot some of you know, the cool one from STF, then Basil (from STF) and now Robyn might (either that or her bro-in-law was exagerrating). Why do all the cool and fun people die? Man. Death sucks :(

I really don't want to talk about it so much, but I need someone... and I don't have anyone really, and that sucks.

ANd then all the chicks I've crushed on don't like me... so I'm unloved by anyone who would you know, marry me or anything. Life sucks. :-

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Have you ever noticed that "it's going uphill" and "it's going downhill" can mean more or less the same thing?


Monday, April 05, 2004

Worked today. Boring. Though some cute chick who goes to Parkview was getting some stuff matted @ work. Oh well.


Sunday, April 04, 2004

Guess what? I'm learning Tolkiens Runish Alphabet. It's actually pretty easy, and I have it mostly memorized. And inspired by him I also created one of my own, numbers included. I really want to create my own language, because that would just be darn cool, hehe.

Anyways... I'm kind of thirsty and I might be playing tetrinet sometime soon. Either that or I'll play some more guitar.