Wednesday, May 30, 2007


The pain of a thousand losses doth pierce my soul.


Stupid *razzer frazzin* transmission, that's why!

We got it back in today... and something popped out on it.

If I had any tears left, I would cry like a schoolgirl. Stupid, stupid, stupid car :(

Monday, May 28, 2007


So... I believe I've figured it out.

What exactly, have I figured out? Well! What the difference/problem/etc/etc has been, is, will be, blah blah blah.

Also I had a peculiar dream where I made out with someone and her kisses tasted like chicken I think. Randomness, and very weird. *mutters things darkly about kissing*

Back on track - what I figured out - I have been searching for both a friend and someone to love/care about. But I wanted to build up the friendly bit first, because hey, who the heck screws over their friends? Well, apparently that's not the type of relationship anyone has been interested in. At least anyone I've been after.

So it's kinda neat to realize that. Mainly because I know the problem, so I know what it is I have to look for. Oh man, I also had a dream that J had a new pic on her xanga/blog... weird. That definitely was a dream, it's almost been a month (again) since she's written anything.

But yeah... during the YSA activity I talked to some girls... but you know, it really doesn't seem like anyone is interested in making friends. And that's really my problem, because I don't have any/that many. I mean really. Some people grow up, and they have friends that they hang out with, and they love their friend and are loved by their friends... Oh sure, they may not say anything to that effect, but the emotions and fulfillment are definitely there.

I've never really been like that. I've never really had any friends that I've hung out with. And I think I know why, but I'm not sure. When I was a young child (read 5 or 6ish?) a girl kissed me. And I fell in love with her. Honestly, I wanted to marry her. As I think back now - sure there was some lack of knowledge, but yeah, I pretty much wanted to marry her. Well she moved away, and long story short, now she's married to some other guy and never wants to talk to me. Ever again. Yeah, that hurts a lot, even still - I mean I really loved this girl. But my problem? I wanted to be her friend first, not the romance in her life.

But like I was saying, I don't really have any/many friends. Why do I say that? There are about three people I would consider my friends, but I rarely talk to them. It's been over a week (or two++) since I've talked to any of them. One... we don't always have much to talk about, which is sad, because she's a really cool person, and really intelligent... but we don't do a whole lot. The other one, we can usually converse (she's more religious than the first - that gives us a few more topics/lines of conversation). Then the last one is a guy, and we haven't really talked for over a month, so it's like whatever, ya know?

Then there are other people who could be considered friends, depending on your definition. But when I define friends, it's someone who helps you be your best. It's someone who inspires you to be better in some (or all) ways. It's someone who's there to listen to you, and there when you're in trouble, but they're also telling you how much they disprove of your actions. Not in an insensitive way (usually), but they do let you know "I love you, but I'm not going to watch you act so stupid. I know you're not stupid, so try acting your intelligence, por favor." More or less.

So there are a few other kids you could call friends, owing to some different circumstances, they're not able to be there. Which is kind of a pity, really.

But I don't have anyone that I could just go over and hang out with, or they'd just randomly pop over and visit. No one. There was one like that, but that dummerkopf had to go get himself killed last October. Jerkface.

So I've got no real friends, no one to hang out with, no one to just call on the phone and chat with... *sigh*

that's what I need but these dumb girls are looking for someone to be romantic with first. They don't understand that romance blossoms from the bed of friendship, not the other way around. I mean sure it might be possible, but I don't like doing things backwards like that...

meh... anyways, now it's time to eat breakfast, and go work on my freakin car.


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Sunday, May 27, 2007

YSA, Cont'd

So yesterday, like I said - I went to Memphis for a YSA - Young Single Adult - activity. There were 5 Stakes there. For those of you unfamiliar with those - YSA is an organization for single adults, age 18-30. Stakes are organizations within the LDS church that are comprised of several congregations or wards.

So anyways.

We got there around 2 o'clock to the building near the Memphis Temple. They sent us out to do some service, two groups, one went to a park, and we went to the community center. We picked up some trash around the community center for an hour or two, and then we went to the park and helped them finish up and then we played some games. We had a water balloon toss, then we played this interesting game... it was a three legged balloon stomp. Basically you had two people and tied them together - three legged style - and tied balloons to their outside legs. The first round, this girl Sam and I won (kept both our balloons). The second round we pretty much lost. It was sad. Well the next game was a water balloon volleyball-esqe game, but we were playing on a tennis court. We lost our first game then won the second. After that we split up for Ultimate Frisbee or Kickball. I chose Frisbee, and it was pretty fun. After a while we got tired and then we had dinner (hot dogs & hamburgers).

While I was "letting my food digest" I played some football catch with a couple of guys... most footballs I kinda suck at throwing. But I did OK and had a bit of fun but it sure wore me out. And then for some reason, a lot of people decided they wanted some more Ultimate and I actually played too. It was pretty fun, and I even played really hard. I got about three or four of our touchdowns, and then on one they launched a cherry bomb (one from say, half the field. Known in football as a Hail Mary play.) and I booked it. I hear some vague comments about fence, and I launch myself in the air for the Frisbee, and as my hands wrapped around it, my toes (I was barefoot) went through the chain-links. And then my gut hit the top of the fence. But I held on the Frisbee and got the point. I pretty much decided I won at life right then, which was pretty much true. Well we kept playing some anyways...

and then we came home, it was late, I was tired, and I went to bed. I took a nap today, but I don't think it was quite long enough to finish whatever stage of sleep I was in, so I'm also really tired right now. Buuuut, eventually I'll get to go to sleep.

I'm not actually at Riverfest right now, but we're at my dad's office building across the street from the Dickey-Stephens ball-park, and the fireworks should be starting here in about 20 minutes. Jooooy. Sort of. I mean I like fireworks, but I'm also really tired.

So I realized the other day, as I was at the YSA deal... I looked around and saw all these girls, they were really pretty and beautiful and what-not... but I wasn't attracted to them. I think it used to be that I'd really feel attracted to them, but nowadays... I just didn't feel anything.

I don't know, I guess I kinda feel like lyrics in a song by Meatloaf... "I want you, I need you, but baby, I ain't ever gonna love you, but don't be sad, cause two out of three ain't bad."

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Saturday, May 26, 2007

Activity, Part 1

So today (technically yesterday) we had a Young Single Adult activity in Memphis... tomorrow (today) I will write more about it!

That was my tidbit for the day.


Friday, May 25, 2007

So apparently...

Because I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3 last night, I suck.

Which is pretty much awesome, because it was a really good movie. Definitely not as silly as Spiderman 3. Which is interesting because my sis-in law had some good things to say about Spiderman, but she wasn't a huge fan of the Pirates movies (she hasn't seen 2, and it took her a while to enjoy the first one).

I don't mind saying that really weirds me out - because dude, pirates rock! Yarrr!

Speaking of how much pirates rock - I think it would be totally awesome to get a songbook or something of pirate shanties! So if any of you are ever in a gift-giving mood, or thinking that you want to buy me a birthday present (August 26th is coming!), if you could find something to that tune... I would probably love you more than forever.

On another note...

Airbrushing is COOL!

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

So i'm here at the rave - waiting to see pirates 3. Bored because nothing is happening... Well i'll write later...

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Well, today I'm going to get a compressor. Why? You may ask... because I freaking want to, that's why!

Just kidding. But not much. I want to learn how to airbrush. I think it'd be fun - airbrushing shirts & things.

So that's something I'm gonna try my hand at. Not to mention all the other neato things you can do with a compressor...

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Monday, May 21, 2007


So... as I was leaving to go to work, about a mile from my house... Ka-PLOOIE!

My car died :(

crushing all my hopes and dreams...

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Oh happy day!

so... I don't know what changed between last night and this morning... but now my car works. *shrugs* I don't question it, I just love it... and I love it passionately... okay, well maybe not.

But I'm still pretty freakin happy!

Love, peace, and chicken grease.

Sunday, May 20, 2007


So... I finally got the transmission in the car.

But now the clutch doesn't... clutch enough.


I think I'll cry. Goodnight.

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Saturday, May 19, 2007

A close shave...

So, someone gave a talk last Sunday (Mother's Day) and talked about how a good woman can be a great influence on their husbands. Or really anyone who cares about them.


Friday, May 18, 2007

Bleep, clang, CUT, grease, squash. Tired.

A transmission fell on me yesterday.

What, you may ask, was I doing under a transmission?

Simple - I was changing the pressure plate and clutch in my 1985 Toyota Tercel (that one looks better than mine.

Wednesday afternoon I started pulling parts off of my car (after jacking it and securing the wheels with chock blocks. Wednesday at 11:30pm we gave up and called it a night, got degreased (mostly)and went to bed. Thursday, 8:30 AM I went to work for Pure Cleaning. We went to a house on Kavanaugh Blvd, and tore off a bunch of ivy, cleaned some windows, and I got home around 7:30pm. Then at 9 we (my Dad and myself) went back under the car. The transmission is VERY greasy. Finally we got tired and gave up around 12:30am. I took a shower and fell asleep around 1:30am.

This morning my dad woke me up at 6:30 so we could leave to go to Toastmasters so I could use his truck to go to work. Because mine is on blocks, ya know? So this evening we'll (hopefully, prayerfully) finish putting my car back together and then we'll be going to T's band concert.

Then at 5:30am my parents have to be at the airport because they're going to Utah to see my nephew/their grandbaby. And we (T and myself) need to be at our church at 6 or 6:30am because we're going on a youth temple trip to the Memphis Temple.

It's going to be a long weekend.

I hope I don't die...

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The problem...

Well, darling, you will know if you care for them. Think. Sit down and THINK about them. Imagine being married. Or the person sharing children with you. You will know.

I do, and for the most part - I can see that situation easily...

The only thing I can't really see is the children bit, now that I think about it. I mean I can't really picture myself having children with anyone at all. Even just by myself, I can't really see that.

But then again, right now I can't really see myself married to anyone. Maybe it's because I just haven't forgiven... hmmm... that's food for thought...

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Monday, May 14, 2007

Sould I Wait? - Revisited

You should wait until God gives ya' a sign and the girl pulls on your heart strings. You will know.

That sure sounds great... the problem?

There are few people (read girls) that I hate... the rest of them I can/do have some good emotions about.

So how do I discriminate between them? My heart doesn't distinguish much between most girls, so do I rely on my rather shady intellect? My problem there is all the pain I have been caused has kinda got my brain to lock my heart down.

So basically I'm really confused when it comes to all that good stuff and junk :P

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Bloggeriffic, RFL

So Friday & Saturday they had Relay for Life in Maumelle. My dad signed us up on D. O.'s Superstars, the team honoring my brother's girlfriend's dad, who died of cancer not too long ago.

It was nice, we had a real good time, walking, talking, relaxing, getting sunburnt, eating, playing frisbee, line dancing... it was just a real good time.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Relay for Life, basically you walk around a track, at least one person/team for 24 hours, because cancer doesn't sleep.

It was really fun, but not really sleeping sure does a number on ya. At least it did on me.

But it was a good time, and I had an opportunity to reflect on a lot of things going on in my life, and I realized that really, I'm rather confused.


I used to know just what I wanted out of life and love. But now I'm not so sure... about either of them, actually.

One thing that I do see, though, is that the world sure seems to be going to Hell in a handbasket. Not very many people realize it, and I think most of the people who do realize it, think it's for the wrong reasons.


In other news, although related...

I've only had two "girlfriends", as common etymology refers to them. It's interesting, because I've always thought it was a moronic concept, and I still do.

I don't think I ever realized exactly why, but now I can pretty identify all the reasons...

It's really a backwards process, this "going out" thing.

When you get down to brass tacks, there are really two purposes for physical intimacy. 1) To procreate, to make/bear/raise children, 2) to increase/develop/nurture the relationship between a man and a woman. At least those are the purposes that bring fulfillment.

So what does that have to do with "going out"?

The foundations of love, respect, intimacy, romance, trust, etc. are all built up to. You don't hate someone, or feel nothing for them one day, and then wake up the next day with a deep understanding and loving relationship with them. I've never heard of that happening anyways. You work at it slowly.

First you get to know someone - you introduce yourself to someone, get to know a little about them, and when you share some interests, then you start to share experiences about those interests. This is the level of acquaintance, or buddy or some equivalent expression.

Once you've shared a few experiences, and you trust this person, and develop these feelings of trust and respect, and mutual enjoyment of each other's company, and when you inspire each other to be better, that's when you've become friends.

So let's say you're a guy, and you have a friend that's a girl, and you think she's pretty neat, and you feel that hey, maybe we could have a life together... then you ask her if she wants to go on a date (I could go into how to ask people on a date, but that's more effort than I feel like writing right now). What's the difference between a date, and just hanging out and doing the things you've been doing? It's a formal expression of respect for someone. You're saying that you'd like to get to know that person better, that you think they're special enough that you want to single them out for a certain period of time. You don't wanna just "hang out", but there is a specific point to your activity - developing a closer relationship.

Well, let's say you both had a great time and want to go out again. And again. And again... after a few dates, and you both decide the other is a really neat person... and maybe one day you would like to marry them... then you both decide that you want to date exclusively. That's when you should "go out".

That's how it should work throughout your junior-high/high-school era. Then once you've graduated and you think you want to spend the rest of your life (or eternity, depending on your religious views) with this person, someone asks the question, all sorts of good times, and then marriage and all that comes with that.

So what is/was my problem with "going out"? It was a substitute for the friends/dating, but worse. Worse because you made a commitment to be a boyfriend/girlfriend. Why is that worse? Because you should be faithful to that person. And they should be faithful to you. And if you decide they're not really as cool as you thought they would be... then you have to terminate your relationship and you have to end this commitment that you entered in to on a whim.

So that gives you all sorts of problems down the road - commitments aren't really that important. You enter into, or end all sorts of things that you really should have taken more time, thought, and consideration before you committed to.

I suppose that's part of my "problem", is that I've always been like that - I didn't (and still don't) make commitments that I don't intend to keep. And if I miss my commitments, there better be a great reason, like I died or something.

The other problem with "going out" is if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it's okay (in society) to be physically intimate with them. The degree is determined by various things, such as how far you've gone in the past, peer pressure, hormones, environment...

See, I never really wanted to get that intimate with a girl - why? Because I was... anywhere from 12-19, and I wasn't planning on getting married until after I'd been on a mission, so why should I? There was certainly no benefit, I'd just be having a good time. So apparently my lack of desire to play suck-face translated into I didn't feel for them or something. Interesting how my desire to keep them pure, and myself pure wasn't a desirable quality.

So what if "making out" was involved? To be clear - making out is defined as open mouth/soul/french kissing, tonsil hockey, suck face... etc. Well, that's an action that arouses passion in its participants. Making out isn't a bad thing, it's just when it happens at a bad time. The good part is it increases emotions and passions for one another, which if you're married, that's a great thing. But what if you're not at the stage where you want to marry this person? What if you're just "going out"? This is where the problems occur - you have a desire, physically to be with this person. But mentally, intellectually, your sense tells you this person is kinda a dork, and (s)he really wouldn't make a good husband/wife/father/mother. So you get really confused, and you aren't sure what you want/need.

And then you have the pesky situation where one person has had... more experiences. Well there's a desire to continue having those experiences, and so unless they have a lot of control, they'll want to "expand their horizons" so to speak, which just exponentially increase the prior problem.

And now down the road, this person is married to someone (else). Unless they have amnesia, they will remember and think of those former experiences. Especially if they were better than the current ones. But I think even worse - there's this habit of jumping into things, and hey if it doesn't work out, we'll just end it, whatever, it's not like I haven't done it before.

I don't know if it could be directly linked, but I wouldn't be surprised if the casual "dating" attitude of kids could be linked with the high rate of divorce.

So I really do (and did) have problems with the whole "going out" thing...

I could probably write more, but I'm done for now.

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

Should i wait until i find someone with the qualities i want, or just take the first decent thing that comes along?

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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Results are not typical.

"Thanks for stopping by. Not usual."

Actually you're right. But neither here nor there.

Today I'm going off to work - at the Student Center. Tomorrow I may be slaving again... yikes :(

We shall see...

Oooh, also, my friend, L is coming in town! w00t! So it will possibly be that we hang out on friday...

good times and great oldies!


Monday, May 07, 2007

Night dreams and Penguins

I had a dream last night.

I caught a baby penguin that was flying. I fed it little grubs, and it got huge and bloated and kind of clearish - kind of like the water monster in the Water Temple in Zelda: Ocarina of Time. The next morning it was full size and I had to go to church. We walked around and it went swimming...

it was a WEIRD DREAM!!!!


I suppose that's all I have to say, although I am curious how many people actually read this...

Sunday, May 06, 2007


So today, I decided to try shaving upside down