Saturday, September 29, 2007

Emu boy

I think i'm a little sick....

Thursday, September 27, 2007

explain the best thing part.

Chinmoku's boyfriend - best thing
Risou - Even better
??? - the NEXT best thing... poor Risou...



A Short Story.

"Chinmoku-Chan", he said softly, "I... I'm not quite sure what it is that I'm trying to say." At a loss for words, Risou could only look at her.

It was a chilly fall afternoon, and the sun was low in the sky, the naked trees casting long shadows across the park where they met. Chinmoku was standing a few steps away from Risou, arms across her chest. Her eyes were brimmed with tears, and she said nothing, hugging herself against the cold.

Beautiful. For some reason the thought struck him as Risou looked at her in the light of the setting sun. A wry smile twisted his lips, Not that she looks any less beautiful at any time. Baka! Your head keeps running away like that, she probably thinks you're laughing at her or something! He thought to himself.

Softening his expression, Risou again spoke quietly. "Of course I care about you! Would I continue these efforts if I didn't? If I didn't care, I would walk away right now... but I can't ever walk away." Risou began blinking back the tears. "Baka! I can't ever talk about these things!"

Chinmoku tried her hardest not to smile. It was so hard because he was so darn cute when he got flustered.

Rubbing his eyes, Risou sighed and began again. "If you could only see how I felt about you, Moku-Chan!" Shaking his head, "But I just don't have the words. I don't think you're stupid... although you do some things I think are... not very bright." Chinmoku raised her eyebrows and put her hands on her hips. "Ahh... I do too... do dumb things that is." Sighing again and dropping his head, Risou said, "Look... you have a boyfriend already... I don't want to get in the way. Besides... I don't think I want a girl who would drop her boyfriend for the next best thing to come along... after all - what happens when the best thing comes along after me?"

Chinmoku looked thoughtfully at Risou, who looked questioningly back at her.


I hope you enjoyed it...

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A Bit of Randomness

1) No I don't hate anyone. I hate, loathe, and despise your actions (depending on the actions, up to or all three and perhaps other negative emotions). But no I don't hate YOU. Ever.

2) The lust of my life. At least for now.

3) Too much homework sucks. Professors who assign homework like they're your only professor should be the first ones up against the wall when the revolution comes.

4)I have writing soon. Whee.

More later, or another day, or something like that.



Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Hope? Huh.

So... I used to have hope. Maybe I still do somewhere. Probably or I guess I'd go kill myself. Or maybe I've just got something else to live for... eh. About that hope...

So... from as young as I can remember, I've always known that I would get older and then marry the girl of my dreams. She'd be so awesome! We'd go hike in the woods, we'd read books, shoot guns, ride bikes, swim, play video games, program things... She'd be smarter than me in just about every way, except for the ways I'm smarter than her. And she laughed at that sentence.

She would be amazing with words and people - someone that I certainly am not. But she would understand me. She would see through my lies and give me that look that says, "I know you're trying to lie to me, buster. Don't make me beat you!"

We would also spar. And dance. We would just sit together and people watch. And we would discover more about each other as time went on.

And sometimes we'd find out things that were painful. And we might get hurt... But we would always be able to come back to each other.

Why? This is the important part...

Because she loved me and I loved her.

Now you might say - "Why?"

And I would say, "Well, duh! Isn't it obvious?"

You would reply, "No! Quit being a dork and pretending we're having a conversation when you're really just talking to yourself! You're creeping everyone out!"

I would retort, "Shut your mouth, jerk! I'll do what I want!"

And then you'd hit me over the head with a clue-by-four, after which event I would tell you why we loved each other.

Simple. We enjoyed doing similar things. And then we made a simple, but lasting choice. That choice was that we loved each other and we wanted to be better people, together.

And for those of you that are about to voice an objection... No. It is that simple. You can make a choice to love someone. And then you follow the course of action. It doesn't work without both of those parts.

You can't pretend to love someone without the evidence of your love. You can't show the evidence of your love and pretend that you don't love someone. That last part is tricky though, because there are a lot of selfish things that look a lot like love, when they're really not.

*sigh* and there are even selfish looking things that are really love.


I've given up hope for that bright future... at least... I don't think I believe that it will ever happen. I've seen too much evidence of the lack of girls who fit my criteria...

So my options are between 1) settle for something less (how about not! That wouldn't be fair to the girl, because I would probably treat her like I had settled. Or I would treat her better but continually be looking. Neither of those are fair.) 2) wait forever with a tiny bit of hope that one day... just maybe... perhaps I'll find a friend.

Good freaking luck.

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More Clarification...

*theatrical sigh* too bad I'm not perfect or I would've got my point across the first time. As it is I get to come back and explain a little something.

How I feel and the things I wrote?

They have nothing to do with who you are and how I feel about you.

You have unlimited potential and I think you're rather amazing. But I also think (read: know) you aren't living up to the smallest bit of your potential.

*sigh* Why do I even bother? I mean... seriously, I'm asking because I have no idea why I continue to hope... ahh... and that's the subject for my next post...


What Do You Call...

A beautiful human being who has a LOT of potential, but she usually thinks she's not worth much. When she's told how important and beautiful she is, she reacts to these compliments with not gracious acceptance, but sometimes vehement denial, sometimes substituted with "whatever." She is perfectly willing, when she's sad or in any way hurt, to take advantage of the love and compassion shown to her by some male, but unless, and sometimes even when he's really down in the dumps, she will favor the type of male known as "jerkicus maximus", or "abusivus totalaraius". As a matter of fact, she will reject every type of advice, call to action, or plea to get some GOOD specimen, and will instead stay with this type of male. On occasion, she will reject one for the other, or bounce between several different subspecies of these, but she will probably never get a male who treats her right. On occasion she will reject all males in favour of the single life, or even in favor of females, where she will find the exact same treatment she had.

So what do you call this type of person?

Why, the type of girl that I've always loved, of course!

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Monday, September 24, 2007


If any of you should ever NEED me - i.e. that jerk that you're with now is abusive and you need somewhere to hide out, You're feeling depressed and more emo than me and want to kill yourself, or anything like that? Yeah, feel free to give me a call/IM/e-mail. I'll be glad to be there for you then... but...

I'm kinda sick of doing oh, so much, and getting nothing in return except for a few hours of company.

Sick of being used, abused, ignored, and all that great stuff.

To you, the one who's pissed off at me and wants to shove me into a locker? Enjoy your life with the guy you love. Or without him, as the case may end out. But I'm done with the games, I really don't have time for them.

Interestingly enough, though, when I saw you at MY school, you were looking as beautiful as ever. It still hurts... well, no need to burden you with how I feel. Don't worry... But please do enjoy your boyfriend or whatever he is. I'd hate to hear that you were unhappy.

To the rest of you? Well, I don't have time for YOUR games, either.

If you want to be a part of my life... the balls in your court now. I'm sick of the games, the pain, the ignoring my needs and desires.

And honestly? Nobody can fulfill those needs and desires. Because I NEED someone at school with me in my classes - but I don't have that. And I won't have that.

Until I get that... I'm pretty much done trying to help YOU. I've got nothing but broken heart after broken heart, trying to be there for you, be there for others... Just trying to be a nice, selfless guy.

Honestly, I think I lost a lotta years doing that.

So... anyway. I hope that helps clarify things.

Take care, and I hope you find happiness wherever you go. The happiness that I've missed...

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Done With People...

I'm not doing so hot in school right now.

Why? Because one of my teachers sucks a little, one sucks a lot, and one is pretty good. And I try to interact with people.

In the spring semester of college I got a 4.0. Why? Because I didn't have any friends. They were all dead or had moved away. And I had two days a week to do homework and it worked out pretty well.

Now? Insert major suck-fest here, please.

People I care about and try to please. Trying to actually develop relationships.

And honestly? I'm kinda sick of it. I give to people and what do I get in return? I get ignored for guys who are worse jerks than me. Or times that I have homework I have to do, that's when everyone wants to talk. And so I ignore my homework because I'd rather spend time with people I think care about me.

But then when I need someone to care about me?

Mmmm... ignored, mistreated, or really whatever. It's all SORTS of fun, let me tell you... NOT.

So... please leave me so I can be a whiny emo kid and actually get some work done.


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Sunday, September 23, 2007

Do You Ever...

Just get tired of people and life in general? The "coy" little games they play?

But why should you get all the fun? The dumb things I do upset me, too.

I'm sick and bleeding tired of these games. I mean, am I still in junior high or something? I try, though, to just... stop interacting with people when they're playing stupid games. At least if I feel they're stupid games.

So if you've noticed I've made no overtures to talk to you in a little while... something you've done has been selfish, stupid, hurtful, annoying, or I just am plain busy.

Mainly though, I'm really sick of life in general. Because I have to interact with people on a daily basis and they all suck. Even me. I try to suck least but I doubt I do.



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Friday, September 21, 2007


Mmm, tasty!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Severe Frustration!


I'm severely frustrated with math class.

I have zero confidence.

My textbook? Crap.

My instructor? Only help, maybe, if I go hunt her down.

This severely sucks.


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To Whom It May Concern:

If you don't recognize what I'm talking about, then this is probably not about you. If you have to ask it probably isn't. But if you'd like to ask I will be sure to allay your fears by confirming that it's really not about you at all.

I'm not anti-You or bitter towards or about you. I'm sad, hurt, and you could probably say bitter, about the fact that you are settling for something that isn't even that good for you. And that's because of the MANY people I know who have just taken the easy way, and it's turned out horrible for them. If someone looked at the predictions I've made they might think I was prophetic... but honestly... well, I can explain it like this:

You look up and see a piano with rope wrapped around it, ten feet above your head. A similar looking rope is tied to the wall right next to you. What happens when you untie the rope?

The majority of people would be under the impression that this piano will fall on their head. Probably killing you.

Let's liken this to relationships, shall we?

The forces governing the relationship of that piano and you would be gravity, weight, acceleration, and friction. There's enough friction in the knot or hitch to keep the piano from falling on your head. When you remove that friction, the gravity acts on the mass(weight) of the piano, increasing its acceleration until it's stopped by your head.

For relationships you have the desire to reproduce, the desire to possess, commit, and be wanted/needed.

So if you get in a relationship with someone, you probably want to be committed to each other and wanted/needed. Some guys are like pianos above your head. Only some small knot, probably a slippery hitch really, is keeping them from dropping out of your life and crushing you. Or doing something that's just really not cool.

It's not a matter of "oh, we can beat the odds" when it's only one person who really even cares.

That's the problem. In my relationships, I've been the only one who cares, and they've left me for someone who didn't (usually).

You are your own person and need to make your own decisions. You can take what I've said and think about it and decide if I make sense. If I don't it's your responsibility to disregard my opinion on the matter. If I do, however, make sense, then you need to decide if you want to do what makes sense or do whatever you want to do.

And then you need to take responsibility for your actions.

If you want to make a decision, then make it. But make it because it's something that you want, not because it's something someone else wants. To borrow a line from Dumbledore... sometimes it's not between right and wrong, but between what is right, and what is easy. Heck, sometimes even the right way is the easy way.

I don't profess to know everything, if I did, I'd figure out who I'm supposed to marry and get in a relationship or something with her already. Then when I see people I care about doing stupid things, I can just shake my head and say, "That's too bad." Because I won't have anything to lose.

Meh... I'm 100% sure I'm making very little sense, but I'm tired and want a nap. Math class drained the heck out of me. I'm not sure what those theorems have to do with finding zeros or why it's ever going to be important... I really do wish I could figure that one out. Maybe it's just the logical process? I'm really not sure.

I just know I'm about to pass out. Too bad we have a meeting later. :P

To everyone reading this, I'm fairly certain I care about you. If I know you then I know I do.

To the one that this concerns, I certainly care for you and I don't want to see you like the many girls I know - hurt and friendless. Except for me who has too big of a heart. But what's gonna happen when my heart belongs to someone...?

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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Oh, to be Young Again!

The other day I was reading over some old chat logs, and I was quite amazed. To be young again would be such a delight! To play silly games in relationships... to be invincible...

Monday, September 17, 2007

Back to life...

So I realized something rather exciting. I'm beginning to get back to being that guy I used to be. Specifically, really caring about gals. I got to the point where I was really just kinda "eh, whatever", but I've started to change and that's exciting.

Well, school time, so I'll ttyl


Wednesday, September 12, 2007

My Introversion and Relationships...

I do believe I've come to a realization about myself... or an understanding. Something of that nature.


The other day as I was reading that article on introverts, not only did I realize I'm somewhat of an introvert, but I also realized something else. I've never been terribly interested in being the center of attention. Ever. As a matter of fact, I'm usually fairly uncomfortable when any attention is thrown my way. Unless of course I'm on the stage. Then I want my due attention and all that good stuff.

But in person I'm often reserved, some might say aloof or standoffish. Which are both also probably true.

When I'm with people that I've gotten to know, I feel fairly comfortable speaking to them and having a good time. But I still prefer to listen and observe. I'm rarely uncomfortable with silence, unless it's with people that I don't know. But I do quite enjoy just being comfortable with someone, listening to them. In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman calls the personalities a "babbling brook" and a "dead sea". I'm the dead sea - calm and really no need to make waves. I prefer to just listen to the babbling brooks babble. It's rather comforting to me. Heck, I even fall asleep listening to people I care about because it's so comforting.

The other part of my realization was more about relationships.

A lot of people seem to have this thought about marriage and what-not, that basically says, "Oh when I'm in a good relationship, it'll make me so happy! I just can't wait!" - as though the very act of being in a relationship determines whether or not they're happy. But if they're not happy, then the relationship must be a bad one. It really has nothing to do with them or their ignorance or intelligence. Or their desires or their actions.

It just seems to me that the whole goal is the relationship or marriage, and if anything only very little to do with their partner. I've never been that way. Marriage has simply been an extension, or a name, really, to describe what the relationship was. I've never cared for the labels to put on relationships for that reason - it seemed that people were so worried about the name, rather than the event... or process, really. Relationships aren't events, but processes. Forever processes, really.

But in my mind, I always could see that I was married to some wonderful girl who loved the outdoors, working with her hands, working with her mind, learning new things, having adventures with me... all of those great things.

I'm reminded, for instance, of my brother and his wife. They are both taking a japanese course (that's what he gave her for her last birthday). They bought a beginners electronic experiment kit, and then she watched him fix the garage door opener.

Throw in some outdoor adventures - going hiking and all that good stuff, and you pretty much have a small picture of the kind of vision I have.

I think the problem in all my relationships have been that I've wanted so much for them to be the awesome person I wanted them to be that I acted as if they were. And they were just the boring people that I really don't enjoy doing things with.

For instance. I love to swim, it's great fun. Too deep for too long and I can't touch and get tired and that's no fun. But standing in the shin-deep water is really not fun at all. If you have someone to play with it's not bad, but it gets old after a while.

I couldn't live with someone like that. I don't want to marry someone that I can predict everything she'll do... that's BORING. I like some stability... but too much gets old fast.

Well I have class, that's not all I could talk about but that's all for now.

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007


Oh so tired... I had a great post in mind about something or another... and I seem to have forgotten what it was :P

I know I had my post about love/relationships... that's coming soon...

Oh well, I've gotta get crackin for school.


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Monday, September 10, 2007

I might be an introvert...

And that's just fine

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Silly Things

The other day I heard of something rather interesting...

A friend of mine who's still in highschool had a boyfriend. Said boyfriend dumps her because he's graduating next year and going to college. Tells girl, "I'll take you back if you graduate early and come to college with me."

Girl now decides she's going to graduate early so she can go to college with him.

Now, before you go to thinking that's terribly sweet of her... Let's stop and think for a minute and decode this transaction. We'll go to the meaning behind the words and actions...

Guy: "Yes, I'm going to withhold love from you. I really don't understand that withholding love is a sign that a) I don't really love you or b) I'm really going to become abusive either in word or deed. Or both."

Girl: "I'm so afraid that no one will love me, after all, I'm terribly worthless and ugly. I'm afraid of being alone, but you say if I jump through hoops for you, I'll be loved by you and I believe that"

Now, you may call me cynical, which may be true, but I prefer (when I'm not married to someone) to expect the worst because I'll only be pleasantly surprised. Sadly this encounter does not surprise me.

Do you think I'm mistaken or just plain wrong? Please leave your comments and suggestions...

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Sunday, September 09, 2007


I did something last night that I haven't done for a long time. I don't remember how my light got off or I got from my chair into my bed. I just... woke up.

Weird stuff.

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Friday, September 07, 2007

w00t! Booo!

So... I had a dream last night that was both awesome and sucked.

Awesome: I dreamed that this shoe store on campus had a pair of size 10.5 Heelys. And they fit, just a little snug, but they fit. And I bought them and totally started rocking out with them. It was pretty funny.

Sad: It was a dream and also the purchase overdrew my bank account. Devils!

I have to poop.

Sunday, September 02, 2007


As far as i know... I can send a much of these as i want. That could be useful if i weren't fagged out. Later.


There's some song about that, isn't there? I probably have it, I'm sure.

Mostly because I love music. And I also love some womens... but I get jealous, it's kinda sad I guess? I don't know. Maybe I can blame it on biologics.


How it works - I meet a girl and begin to develop affection for her... and then I'm jealous of pretty much everyone else. I mean I don't do anything with it, usually. Though sometimes I feel pretty hurt...

But I want to be her ONLY object of affection. I realize this is both silly and stupid, because that would just be 1) horrible and 2) I don't want her to be my only object, usually. And in most cases she isn't...

Know what's really silly? I even get jealous of dreams. For instance, a friend of mine had a dream about being in an elevator with some guy who kissed her. Aaaand I got jealous. Is that sad a pathetic or what?

Or do you get jealous, too?

p.s. Being jealous does not mean I don't want to hear about that kinda stuff - I would much rather know and have to put down the feelings of jealousy, when it's easier because I know you're sharing something with me, than wait until I find out through the grapevine and then I can't trust you. So yeah.

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